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Monday, June 18, 2012

So, why don’t you just adopt a baby?


I stole this title from my Dr’s blog. My apologies Dr! I selected this title because this is exactly what people ask about adoption (very casually!), without bothering to understand what we are going through. Here is Dr.Aniruddha Malpani’s post about the same topic.

To tell the truth I haven’t faced this question often. But when some people advise me to adopt in the most uncompassionate way possible , I get hurt. On the other hand, I have friends who really care for me. Recently I got a mail from one such person. She wrote to me explaining why I am special and how I have touched her life. She then asked about adoption in the most compassionate way possible. ‘Manju, I know you for a long time. I understand the struggle you are going through. My mind sometime thinks why should Manju not adopt a baby?'  She also said ‘Manju, I understand that you know better; might be you want to have a little one as a symbol for the wonderful love you share with your husband’. How thoughtful my friend is! When I read such a compassionate mail, the respect I had for her increased several times more and I am not hurt a bit. Love you dear for what you are!

Why can’t you adopt? I want to ! After undergoing this struggle, I will be happier to adopt than to carry a baby in my womb (I really mean it !). Now-a-days I feel getting pregnant and carrying a baby is a Herculean task. My journey to get pregnant is like this - take fertility drugs, wonder whether my ovaries will respond properly to them, obsess about the number of follicles and the amount of eggs that will be collected, continue to panic about how many will fertilize and divide; and wonder how many will be competent enough on day 3 or day 5 to be transferred to the uterus. After transferring, obsess each and every second about the symptoms and wonder whether the embies will implant or not. When the pregnancy test turns out to be negative I break down to pieces emotionally and the psychological impact that cycle created  will take months to heal. If the test becomes positive; again I have to keep wondering whether the baby will cross the 8 week, 12 week mark. If there is no vomiting, I have to panic whether everything is OK.  Oh my God! Women who get pregnant without knowing when and how should appreciate how blessed they are!

We are making attempts to adopt a baby. But adoption is not as easy as shown in a movie. In movies they will show a woman who is desperate for a baby. Her in-laws will abuse her. The woman will be crying always. Her loving husband will one day decide to give her the gift of her life. They both will go to an orphanage and find a baby who is very affectionate and attractive. They will talk to the head of the orphanage and take the baby home the following day! How sweet and convenient this process is ! But unfortunately this is not true in real life! Adoption is a very complicated process , which can consume all your time and energy.

It is not the inconvenience of adoption process we panic about. When I tried to register myself in CARA I got a mail saying that the registration process is closed and they asked me to e-mail to German adoption agency (Gemeinsame Zentrale Adoptionsstelle- GZA). When I mailed them , a lady replied by saying that the process will take a long time (she wrote international adoption will take several years!) and we have to know German perfectly to succeed in the process because there will be lots of home study. She also warned me repeatedly about the long waiting list! 

So, adoption is not as easy as everyone thinks. Babies available for adoption in India have gone down. This is thanks to awareness about birth control, easily available home pregnancy tests and abortion facilities ! I am happy that unwanted children are no more generated and thrown away like stray cats or dogs! Infertility rates have also gone up because of late marriages and adoption is no longer a social stigma.  Hence there is heavy competition for babies which are available for adoption. There is a thriving black market for adoption – but you need to be a VIP to tap into this. When I talk about adopting a baby, people come up with another question. Why don’t you adopt an older child? I am not comfortable doing so for many reasons. When you adopt, the initial bonding which develops between an adopted parent and the baby is very important. Older children, naturally would have started to form opinions about everyone and everything and hence the ability to show and receive unadulterated love which forms the basis of parent-child bonding will be greatly affected. I am worried this may give rise to bitter problems in the future.

Last but not the least - just because a couple is fertile and are able to produce children, it doesn’t mean that they have the special privilege to be judgmental about an infertile couple. Before asking an infertile couple why don’t you adopt a baby; ask yourself ‘Why I didn’t adopt a second baby when I already had one of my own?’ If you have an answer, the same answer applies to infertile couples too. Do not forget we are humans like you with all the fears and uncertainties which you have in your mind. Just because we are infertile it doesn’t mean that we have to be more compassionate and charitable than you are! When you ask an infertile couple 'why don't you just adopt?', it is like asking a terminally ill person 'why don't you just die?'. When a person dies his existence in this world  ceases. When a person fails to reproduce his gene transmission ends there. We stop being part of our future generation. Every living organism exists just to reproduce and transmit its genes. If the basic reason for our survival is in question, then naturally any human will try their level best to fight for it. That is why infertile couples are ready to move heaven and earth to get their much desired baby. Our genes are as selfish as we are!  Another argument which has no rationale is ‘if you adopt a baby, you will have your own baby out of that happiness’. Nothing can be as hurting as the above sentence. If I adopt I adopt for the sake of love. I will never adopt thinking that this will help me receive my own genetic child.

Actually, an infertile woman is the best mother in the world. Giving birth doesn’t make anyone a mother. Being a mother is an inborn quality. Woman who are kind, loving, caring, empathizing, understanding and ready to sacrifice their happiness for the people whom they care for are all great mothers. An infertile woman learns all these qualities so quickly because of the troubles she undergoes. Even a mother forgets her child sometime , but an infertile woman’s heart always thinks about her prospective child. She learns to look at every child with love and with lots of adoration. For me, every new life I see-from sprouting buds to dividing embryos is something which I respect and look at with wonder. I understand that creating a life, which is perfect in every little aspect  is not easy. A small copying mistake in our genome from ‘A’ to ‘C’ can cause havoc in the life which is being created , which is why anything which is perfect is a great miracle to me. I love every little child as if they are my own and I am sure every infertile woman does so! So next time when you celebrate Mother’s Day never forget to wish me or any other woman who is struggling to have a baby. We deserve that wish as much as every woman who has a child does!

On a lighter note,  my mother gave me the above picture and it suits this topic perfectly. If someone is ready to give me  Krishna , I don't mind being Yashoda :) I get lots of pampering now-a-days. My mom and my DH buys me whatever I desire. I have so many new things now and Mumbai is great for shopping. I get lost within myself when I walk in Colaba Causeway (great shopping area). One of the few joys of being infertile! :)

15 comments:

  1. This is a wonderful post, I agree with everything you have said. I will now try and private message you my blog link and if not I will post it here as another comment. You are wonderful and you've brightened up my day with your well-considered words which apply so closely to how I feel and my situation :-)

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  2. Dear Shakthi,

    Very nice to meet you : ) Thanks : ) Keep in touch!

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  3. A good post and certainly pertinent to anyone experiencing infertility. I've actually been "looked down upon" by quite a few people for wanting to pursue IVF. And of course, the critics are either completely uninterested in ever having children or have a litter of babies themselves. What bugs me the most is that they seem to think that it's the job of the infertile to save the troubled children of the world. Granted, that is a noble endeavor, but why is it any more MY duty than those who are fertile?

    Most people don't know how immensely complicated (and expensive!) adoption is. In some cases, it's even cheaper to succeed at IVF than adoption. And even after you've shelled out tens of thousands of dollars, there still is no guarantee that everything will go smoothly. Some of my acquaintences tried to adopt abroad and their child got stuck in limbo in a state nursing facility for 2 years after birth. Believe me, if adopting were as simple as taking a stroll to the local catholic monestary to pick up a child, I'd be a father many times already!

    But if its one thing that troubles me least about adoption it's the genetic difference. I always saw something romantic about choosing to love a child, rather than being coerced into the relationship by Darwinian destiny. What DOES bother me is that, when you adopt, everyone seems to want to get their talons in your child one way or another. In the United States, domestic adoption is a seller's market, which means adoptions are "open." In other words, the "birth parents" stay in regular contact with THEIR children and sap away the joys of parenthood while the adopting parents shoulder all of the burden. If it's one thing I simply couldn't handle, it would be some stranger visiting at Christmas, telling my child how much he/she takes after THEM.

    Even if you adopt from abroad, there is this accepted truth in society that somehow your child is not entirely your child. That some essential part of them remains in the place that they were born. That you must pay some kind of homage to the "culture" from which their soul has apparently sprung forth. And its this social perception of adoption that strikes me most painfully: that even though you put in 100 percent of the love that any other parent would, the adopted child can only really be half yours, in the end.

    In the United States, our television channels are littered with shows about adopted children going off to reunite with their "birth" parents. That they simply felt lacking until they were able to become one with with their "birth family" again. All the while the adoptive parents are expected to stand back and smile. The adoptive parent is expected to share the thing that parents of biological children are NEVER expected to share. It may sound selfish, but I could never share my children in this way. It would break my heart.

    And so I think that's what pushes me toward IVF most.

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  4. Dana, happy to see you !

    Hope all is well with you both.

    You have written it so beautifully. I wish you could write a blog.

    Can I use this comment of yours as a blog post ?

    Manju

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  5. Yes, things are well on our end, though it was touch and go for a few weeks. The pregnancy did turn out to be ectopic, but it looks like it didn't do any damage. It was sad, but informative.

    You could use the comment as a blog post, if you'd like, though it might be a little bit crude. Throughout the day, I just have these "component" thoughts that come to me and I string them together in my head along thematic lines. Sometimes they are kind of lyrical or humorous. I have a few outlets for them (like my wife!) but to be honest, I never thought about writing a blog, mainly because I couldn't imagine why anyone would want to hear what I had to say!

    I was actually writing a novel that included a lot of these types of thoughts on parental love and adoption. It was about a Neanderthal boy that was cloned by paleontologists and raised as a baby in a laboratory setting without ever knowing what he was. Much of the story is about the confused but close relationship between the boy and the project's PI, whom loves the Neanderthal boy but is ultimately forced to exploit him for research purposes.

    I got about 300 pages into it but shelved it and have been thinking about returning to it. Maybe a blog might be a good place to dust off the pen. Where would I start, exactly?

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  6. Your book sounds interesting ! : )

    Your comment is pretty good. Thanks for giving me the permission to put it in my blog.

    It takes time to build a readership for the blog. Just go to blogger.com and open a account and then you can start posting : )

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  7. Dear Manju,
    All ur posts are so so touching. Actually after I got married we often used to discuss whether we should adopt a teeny weeny baby and she will be become ours..but then we dropped the plans thinking what if we are not able to love her with all our hearts and what would happen in the scenario if by chance we have our own baby..will we start neglecting her ...and also in Indian society there are always the nosy neighbours and pesky relatives..who might hurt the small child with their callous comments!!!

    Dont lose hope!!!And I will surely wish u on Mother's Day after wishing my mom!!!!

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    Replies
    1. I understand how you feel (((HUGS))). I will be waiting for your wish every year Debjani. Thank you for reaching out to me ...It feels too good.

      Manju

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    2. Dear Manju,
      My daughter is down with viral fever, so I might not come to work for couple of days..and when she is ill I hardly get time for myself..so am wishing u in advance as promised...Happy Mother's Day!!!!Hope u have a great day!!!

      Love,
      Debjani.

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    3. Dear Manju,
      My daughter is down with viral fever, so I might be unable to turn on my system..so am wishing u in advance as promised...HAPPY MOTHER"S DAY!!!!Hope u have a great day!!!

      Love,
      Debjani.

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    4. Thank you so much Debjani! I am really overwhelmed by emotions now. I wish that your daughter gets better very soon. My love to her ! Your wish is the first Mother's day wish I got in my lifetime, and I hope I will get this wish many more times :) Wish you too a very Happy Mother's Day ! I am sure your daughter has got the most caring mom - if you care for me whom you have never met, how much you would care for your loved ones ! Happy to know you, and be blessed and happy always !

      Love you a lot,
      Manju

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  8. Dear Manju,
    Thank you for providing a new insight into the journey of infertility treatments,apart from the medical aspects.Yes it is true in these days people are more sensible and do not ask us after so many years of married life"why don't you have kids".in person these people are were compassionate and "understanding" telling us,"so what there are so many couples out there without children,so don't bother.What's more hurting is the same people tacking behind our backs and worse is similar people conveying that to us..
    But your post really has given me a different point of view,it really lifts my spirits when u say that you don't have to have children to be rated a "good mother".
    Awesome post.Thankyou.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you too for taking your time to write to me ! I am happy that this post helps you.

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  9. One of my friends struggled for few years before conceiving. Few months ago, she told me 'you should just adopt ya'' .. .I just stopped interacting with her...

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