Contact me !

If you need to contact me , please write to me to this email ID : I will be happy to help.

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Happy Festive Season !

Wish you all a Merry X'mas and a very Happy 2015 ! May all your wishes come true !

Thursday, December 11, 2014


The little one in the last picture is my friend's daughter. The time I spent with her were very special moments and I was able to get an outlet for my motherly feelings. My God daughter :)

Friday, December 5, 2014

Some early pregnancy ultrasound pictures

I am fine and so is my little one. I will be completing 33 weeks of pregnancy tomorrow. This week my cervix measured 2.6 cm with a 2 mm funneling. This kind of funneling is very normal at this stage of pregnancy. When the funneling exceeds 5 mm or greater than 25 percent of the entire length of the cervix then it is something to be concerned. So, all looks fine now. After 34 weeks I am allowed to increase my activity levels. I just pray that I carry my little one atleast to 37 weeks.

My blog readers contact me and ask many questions about pregnancy related stuffs like, interpreting their ultrasound pictures, the technical terms used in it and also about NT scans. I must be very honest and say that I am not well-versed enough to explain such intricacies. For gaining knowledge I need to read a lot which I am unable to do now. Writing is becoming difficult; emotionally I feel completely drained out. Even for writing this I struggled for words! I hope things change with time. I am posting few ultrasound pictures of my LO taken during early stages of pregnancy. If you want any help interpreting your ultrasound pictures, this blog will be of great help : www. You can also write to Dr.Malpani, I am sure he will help too. His mail id is You can write to me too, I will try my level best to help as much as my knowledge allows. And, if any of you are wondering about my second name in the scan reports, it is our family name :)

Seventh IVF cycle timeline

Embryo retrieval : May 3rd
Embryo transfer : May 8th
First positive pregnancy test : May 15th
First ultrasound : At 7 weeks

7 week ultrasound

8 week ultrasound 

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

I am 30w4d pregnant and in hospital!

Yes, I am 30w4d pregnant. So far so good.

Today morning I came for an ultrasound to measure my cervix. It is 2 cm and my gynecologist saw a little funneling. She sent me immediately to the clinic where I met Dr. E. He is the one who performed my cerclage. He didn't find any funneling but has asked me to take corticosteroid for lung maturation. He dismissed my fears saying, "Oh, you can be still pregnant for another 4 months :)" Whether it is true or not but it eased my fears.

Rajender was very worried when I was asked to stay in the clinic for 5 more days so that they could monitor me and the little one. They took swabs from every opening of my body excluding my ear ;) They will monitor uterus contraction thrice a day. Fortunately I don't have any. They will monitor baby's heart beat too. All is fine until now. I have to have two shots of steroid, one I took today afternoon. Felt warm after the steroid shot, my face appeared flushed. From morning they monitored our little one's heart beat thrice and obviously our LO is very upset. During the last monitoring it kicked the lead which is kept on my tummy to monitor its heart beat vigorously, not once but several times. The nurse was shocked by that forceful kick. She was holding that lead to my stomach :) Tomorrow I will have one more dosage of steroid.

I am in a room where there are four more women. Rajender was upset that he couldn't stay with me :) He was too worried about the steroid shot. He was asking whether our little one will have long hands and legs because of that. I replied I would love to have a tall child :) So, until Monday, I have to be in hospital and if everything goes uneventful I will go home. I will miss cooking for Rajender, he hates cooking. I have spent 90% of my pregnancy, after cerclage, lying down. I cook for 15 minutes and that's it. All other work Rajender does! Our home is spic and span more than a neatly maintained hospital room. Rajender cleans everything with lots of antiseptics and disinfectants :) I will miss home, the calmness and the comfort there. I will miss my husband's constant company. But, I have to miss all this inorder to safeguard our little one.

Write to me. Will be happy to reply whenever I could. It will also keep me engaged. The ladies here are constantly chatting with each other. It is very hard to hear it all the time after being in such a quiet environment for so long :)

I will upload all the ultrasound pictures after I return home. This post contains our little one's picture at 12 weeks taken during NT scan :)

All your prayers and good wishes are most welcome :)

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Cervical cerclage (stitch) at 15 weeks


When the cervical swab which my gynecologist took came back positive for Staphylococcus aureus (a bacteria which is not usually present in vagina) she called me. She said that there was only very small amounts of bacteria found (it can also just be a contamination from elsewhere since S.aureus is a normal skin flora) and it was not something that was serious enough to stop the cerclage procedure. She gave me a local vaginal disfectant (a pessary) and asked me to insert in the vagina once a day. I had 5 more days left for the cerclage. In the clinic, they have also given me clindamycin (antibiotic), which I have to take for 7 days. My cerclage was scheduled on a Monday morning. Rjender was worried about my swab result. He was telling me, "the clinic people will make a big fuss about this swab result, perhaps they won't do the cerclage on Monday because of it". I thought his worry was unnecessary. But, on Friday evening, I got a call from the clinic. An intern physician talked to me. She said, "I saw your swab result and you can't have your cerclage on Monday morning". I was so upset and irritated. I was taking antibiotic and that local disinfectant as instructed, whatelse do they need to kill that stupid microbe! Already I was 15 weeks pregnant (cerclages done before 16 weeks are less risky), and one more concern was that the doctor who will be doing my cerclage will be on holiday the following two weeks. I told her that I was taking antibiotic. Her reply was, "Sorry, we can't perform a cerclage without another swab which comes back clear". I don't know how to convince her. I demanded that I want to meet the doctor who will be doing my cerclage. She said that he will be available only on Monday morning. She suggested me to come to operation theater directly on Monday morning and talk to him. I thought, if I meet the doctor directly I will convince him for the cerclage. I talked to Anju (my sister) who is a gynecologist too. She was upset too, she said, "We perform cerclages all the time. We never do a cervical swab. After cerclage we just give them IV antibiotic and send them home. I have never seen one adverse outcome (infection due to cerclage) in our setting ( she works in an Indian government hospital!)".

So on Monday morning we got ready and went to the clinic. From the moment I entered the clinic, I was asking the nurses there whether the doctor who will be performing the cerclage knows that I have come for the operation. Everyone's answer was yes. So I relaxed a bit. I thought might be the surgeon decided that my swab result was not a concern and decided to proceed with the surgery. They prepared me for the surgery. I wore a special gown in which I appeared like a clown. They brought a nice hospital bed and wheeled me to the operation theater. I waved good bye to Rajender; the thought whether I would see him again flashed within me as always. I have gone under anesthesia umpteen times in these 7 years and I was always lucky enough to see him again! I smiled and took leave from him, he planted a kiss on my forehead. Such loving gestures are the ones we remember most than the intimacy we enjoy during happy times, don't we?  Sometimes, however scary the ordeal may be, when I will be wheeled down to the OT a kind of childish excitement takes over me as if I am entering a brand new world. I was not tensed a bit, I know I will be having spinal anesthesia and I was looking forward to the experience. I was wondering who will be in the theater and how will the surrounding be! The only thing that was disturbing me was, they didn't do a scan to check the baby or the cervix before taking me to the OT. I thought might be in OT they  have an ultrasound machine. I noted in my mind that I must ask for a scan if they didn't do it before the operation.

When I reached the operation theater the nurses there was not happy with my attire. They brought a different gown, put me into that, and took me to the theater. The first face I saw was a very familiar one. My face bloomed with a smile. There stood the anesthesiologist, who was my colleague, my friend, whom I met in lab while I was doing my PhD. He was working for his doctor thesis in the same lab. We got to work together. He has come to our home with his girlfriend, we went to his place. He was such a pleasant person and my worry was halved on seeing him. He said he was the one who will be administering me spinal anesthesia. I was so relieved. They connected me to ECG leads and blood pressure monitoring instrument. Then the anesthesiologist asked, "Can I give you the anesthesia now?" I told him, "Please wait I want to meet the surgeon first, I need to ask him something". I told the anesthhesiologist about the swab and what the intern doctor said. So they waited for few more minutes and again he came to me. He said, "I will give you anesthesia first, since it is only spinal you can talk to the doctor after he comes". That was ridiculous, I thought. In case if the surgeon doesn't want to perform the surgery, why should I go under anesthesia unnecessarily! I told him this and he called the surgeon via mobile. After sometime the surgeon came with a warm smile. He asked what the matter was. I asked him whether he has seen the swab result and he was totally clueless about it! He looked at me with a confused look and asked the result of the cervical swab test to me. I was taken aback. I told him that they found Staphylococcus in it. He asked me again whether it was coagulase positive or negative bacteria. I asked what difference it would make to the surgery. He said if it was coagulase positive bacteria he wouldn't perform the surgery! I didn't want to tell him it was S. Aureus. I wanted him to know the result by himself. So he left the room in search of the result and came back after 30 minutes or so. I was chatting with my anesthesiologist friend until then. I expressed my concern over how unorganized they were and how they didn't even bothered to look at the baby before bringing me to OT. The surgeon came after 30 minutes and said, "Sorry I can't do the surgery today, it was S.Aureus and it is a coagulase positive strain". Lying down on the operation table, I argued that I was on antibiotic and have taken the local vaginal antiseptic too. I told him what Anju told me - how in India they perform cerclage without a cervical swab. He came near me and spoke in a soft voice. "I understand your fear. But, the climate in India is very different from here. Your amniotic fluid is in German climate. This S. Aureus is an extremely blood loving bacteria. It is very dangerous to do the surgery without another swab to make sure it is gone. You haven't yet completed the full course of antibiotic". I expressed my concern that he will not be available for the next two weeks and I am already in my 15 th week of pregnancy. He said, " Come tomorrow morning, I will take a cervical swab once again. I will make sure we get the result as quick as possible so that you can have the cerclage on Thursday or Friday". He promised me he will do the cerclage. I said good bye to everyone there. The anesthesiologist assured that he will be there on Thursday and Friday too. I was wheeled again to my room. Rajender was surprised to see me so early. I explained him everything. I changed to my clothes and took leave from the nurses.Thus ended my first attempt of having a cerclage :)

Next day I went to the clinic and they took another swab. Everytime they disturb my cervix I feel so uncomfortable. I made sure they used sterile speculum everytime. Some doctors without the least concern use the speculum whatever they get in hand. When it will be too big it made me scream with pain, all they would say is, "Please relax!" (afterall it's your fault!). When will my life become free of stirrups and speculums?

The results came on Wednesday. That afternoon I received a call saying that I can come on Thursday morning for surgery as the swab came back clear. This time I was given an ultrasound scan (to confirm baby's heartbeat) before preparing me for the surgery. I was wheeled to the operation theater. Anesthesiologist was waiting. I was given a spinal anesthesia. The anesthesia procedure was not painful but uncomfortable. I just prayed that they don't paralyze me by mistake. Within a few minutes lower portion of my body started to become numb. I couldn't feel my lower portion and it felt funny. They lifted my legs on to stirrups. I could hear nurses talk as they were preparing me for the surgery. The room was a bit cold. Anesthesiologist was talking to me now and then. One or the other person was coming near me every few minutes and asking whether I was ok. Anesthesiologist asked whether he could give me some medicine in IV so that I could sleep. I hated that idea. I wanted to be awake, I felt, by being awake, I have some control over the surgery; I wanted to stay awake to protect my little one. I believed that they will be more careful if I was awake. The surgeon came. He wanted to do a Shirodhkar cerclage which is more invasive than Mc Donald's cerclage (there are different kinds of cerclage, please wait for my post on cerclage). Dr. Malpani also wanted me to have a Shirodhkar cerclage as it will placed a little higher than Mc Donald's, and since the sutures run within the cervical muscles the chance of infection is lower too. I told the doctor to be very careful. He smiled assuringly and disappeared behind the screen which shielded my vision from what is happening in my nether region. The doctor has bought two interns too with him. I could hear him asking for specific surgical instruments to the nurses; I could hear him continuously instructing the interns which at times left me in panic. I wondered whether he is allowing them to handle the cerclage procedure. I wanted to say no but I decided to have faith. I started to feel cold at one point and they circulated warm air through a plastic bag and kept it on my chest. That helped a lot. I also felt very nauseous sometime which faded away quickly. Spinal anesthesia is horrible and I wondered how good general anesthesia felt! I tried hard to distract myself. Catholics believe that every soul which enters this world is assigned a guardian angel. I imagined my guardian angel standing near me holding my hands. The angel had a beautiful smile which was so soothing to look at and had big compassionate eyes too. The angel's hand was soft and smooth. The fingers were long, mine appeared like a dwarf's comparitively. That imagination helped me to relax and distracted me from unnecessary fears. I closed my eyes and believed that all will be well. The surgery lasted for one hour.At the end of the surgery the doctor assured me that all went well. He also said that he found no problem with my cervix, it was long and strong at that point.

After the surgery I was wheeled back to the recovery room. I was waiting for my lower part to regain its senses. Everyone who were brought after me started to leave that room but my legs doesn't seem to move at all. As time went by I started to panic, "Will I regain my senses in my leg?". When I was wondering so, the atmosphere around me became restless suddenly. All the nurses there surrounded me quickly. There was some machine in one of the nurses hand. They started to remove the gown that covered the upper part of my body. I was wondering about the sudden attention I was getting. Someone spoke, "We need to take an ECG, you are having tachycardia, your heartbeat is in the 130 range. Please do not panic its just a precautionary check". I was baffled for a second and then asked them whether they are having me on tocolytic medicine (a drug to prevent uterus contraction). They checked and said yes. I relaxed, tocolytics naturally have the tendency to increase one's heart beat. When they tried to remove the cloth covering my upper body to fix the ECG leads, my hand automatically pulled the cloth up like a reflex action. Until they laughed I didn't understand what I was doing. Only when a male nurse there said, "Ok I will turn to the other side,"  I realized what I was doing. It was really humiliating. I wondered whether I was taught (by the society I grew up) to look at my body as mere sexual object! I have always admired the fact how women in western countries feel comfortable about their body! It took me almost 3 hours to move my legs. Once I proved the nurse that I could move my legs I was allowed to leave the recovery room. They wheeled me into a room where Rajender was waiting for me. I stayed there for 5 more days. I was given IV antibiotics. They checked my blood parameters for infection periodically. That hospital stay brought us all the memories of 10 horrible days I spent lying down with twins. It is the same for Rajender too. We were too afraid of everything that could go wrong. With twins, one fine night, one of my little one's amniotic sac broke. That was the most haunting experience for us. We were so afraid whether it will repeat again. A very small movement from me would wake Rajender up. He never left me alone in the hospital, he made sure that he stayed with me at nights. Although I felt safe I couldn't get comfortable in Rajender's presence. I have to think several time before I turn in bed. I would be worrying that it will wake him up. I understood his fear and anxiety. I saw him sleepless and paranoid. I insisted that he must stay at home but in vain. He carried(s) me and my little one in his head and heart always!

The hospital stay was eventless. They discharged me after 5 days with one more course of oral antibiotic to take for the next 7 days. Before that they did an ultrasound to confirm our little one was ok. The cerclage was a welcome relief for every one of my loved ones. I must thank the doctor for doing a wonderful job, the cerclage is holding on fine until now without further problems. Might be my cervical problem was just a twin thing, I will never know!

So, how far along I am? Definitely my next post is all about that :)

Thursday, October 30, 2014

To cerclage or not to cerclage!

Before going into the topic let me clear one thing, I am pregnant only with a singleton and not with twins. Actually, I never said that I am carrying twins. When one of my blog readers asked whether it is possible to see two heart beats with a single embryo transfer, I explained that it is possible for a single embryo to split and form two babies. I did have two heart beats within me - one mine and one my little one's :) My apologies, it is just a small prank! :)

After the 7 week scan, (will include all the scan reports as separate post next week!) I had scans every week thereafter. The seven week scan was perfect. The doctor who did the scan noted multiple myomas (small fibroids) in the uterus, so I stopped the supplemental estrogen which I was taking. After every scan I was able to relax a couple of days. Then the worry starts again. After going through so many setbacks in my journey, my mind refused to believe that all will be well. The 8 week scan was perfect too. Dr.Malpani actually said it was an excellent report. It was wonderful to see how much an embryo could grow in a week. I didn't have much morning sickness. That made me nervous all the time. During the 9 week scan, I was actually shivering  lying on the table waiting for the scan. Rajender was too shocked to see that and so was the doctor who did the scan. I could breathe only after he said everything looks good. 

The time for NT scan came. I had my NT scan at 11w2d. All was fine; the doctor who did the scan said that I don't even need to have any blood tests. That was (NT scan) such an important milestone and we did feel a lot better.

After the NT scan, Dr. Malpani was asking in every of his mail when I was going to have a cerclage. Not only Dr, all my family members were on the pro-cerclage team. The only person who didn't want me to have a cerclage is my gynecologist. She is such a good doctor and I am very lucky to have found her. She is knowledgeable, kind, patient, compassionate and empathetic. She could understand her patients' fear and concerns and could make them feel comfortable and secure. She told me, "I think your cervical problem during previous pregnancy was due to carrying twins. Until this moment I don't find any problem with your cervix (It was 4cm at that point). I will check you every week. If there is some problem then we can think of a cerclage". At that moment, it sounded too good to me. Having a cerclage is not without any risk. The biggest risk is losing the pregnancy itself, although, the odds for such happening is miniscule when the cerclage is done during early pregnancy before any cervical changes occured (I will write a separate post on cervical incompetence and cervical cerclage later). Even though I liked my gynecologist's suggestion, my previous experience with incompetent cervix made me very paranoid. As the weeks progressed my mind was playing all as sorts of games with me. "What if the cervix just opens and my baby falls down!", this fear was not allowing me to have a normal life.  Dr. Malpani told me, "you will feel much better after having a cerclage, please go for it". In Germany, they don't do a cerclage before 15 weeks. I told my gynecologist that I want to have a cerclage and it will give me peace of mind. She talked to the head of the clinic regarding this, he was a very good surgeon. But, unfortunately at that time he was going on a holiday for 2 weeks. I went and saw another lady doctor in the clinic who did all my early scans with twins. She was so happy to see me. When I told her I was pregnant again, her eyes were shining with utmost joy. She got married recently and with so much happiness she shared with me the news that she was pregnant too. She immediately arranged for all the tests that has to done before having a cerclage. She suggested me a doctor too who is well experienced in performing cerclages. When I was about to leave she asked, "Manju can I give you a hug". I still could feel the warmth and kindness in that warm embrace. This world is full of kind people!

My gnecologist in the following week took a cervical swab and sent it to the microbiology lab. I was eagerly counting days to have the cerclage. The microbiology lab results came. The verdict was "The swab was positive for Staphylococcus Aureus".

Did they allow me to have a cerclage? My cerclage experience is another interesting, educative story. Stay tuned :)

Thursday, October 16, 2014

The Horrible 3WW and A New Beginning

Even the most difficult times of our life will be strewn with happiness. That was the case with my 3WW. I am thankful that I had the heart to enjoy those happiness amidst that horrible uncertainty. During 2WW, I was praying to God, "Please let it be a positive so that I can stay with my mom for some more time". I was away from her for 10 years. Every year, or sometimes once in two years, I got to spend only a couple of weeks with her. I feel guilty that she is alone with my very old grandfather. She herself is getting old. If the pregnancy test had been negative I wouldn't have been able to extend my stay in Madurai. I have to go with Rajender. I was away from him for more than a month and already every of his relatives were asking him when I would be back. My mother-in-law was too worried too that we were staying apart. So, when I got a positive, my joy knew no bounds. I had a valid reason to stay back.

The other reason for my happiness was our cats. We always had pets in our home. We had a peacock (actually a peahen), parrots, squirrels, rabbits, dog and even a wounded crow as pets. Actually, I was gifted to grow up with pets. Pets can teach young children many important life's lessons. They did teach me how to be caring towards the weak, to be compassionate, empathetic; they did teach me unconditional love and thus polished my nurturing skills. They not only taught me about life but about death too. Death of our pets did bring in lots of sadness and pain, but, those experiences were invaluable lessons which taught me how to grieve for the loss and get over it. It introduced me to the concept of death at a very young age and made me realize that death is an inevitable part of life. I think because of such valuable lesson I learned so early in life, I managed to get over many other losses in my life in a better way.

I must say I grew up with cats. There will be several cats running here and there in our home at any time of the year. When I left for Mumbai, for treatment, two of our pregnant cats have given birth. Oh, what a joy it was to see those tiny creatures! There were altogether 7 kittens. The most beautiful part about kittens was to observe them play when they grow a bit. When you watch those tiny bundles of joy you would forget all the adversities. Because of the 3WW I got the chance to be with them longer, to see them grow and to enjoy their playfulness and naughtiness to my heart’s content after a long, long time.

Rajender on the other hand was not used to pets as I was. He is afraid of them, or, the more apt expression would be, he is not comfortable with them. He thinks that they carry harmful germs. When he married me and came to our home, he was shocked to see cats roaming everywhere. And, he was more shocked by the way I play with them. He made sure that they don't come near him. If at all our cats wanted to be friendly with him and came near him, instead of shooing them away he would move away from that place quietly. This obviously increased our cats love and respect for him. The more he tried to be away from them, the more the cats grew fonder of him and wanted to get closer to him. They showed their love in so many ways. They used to cajole him by friendly brushing their body against his legs, (which made him keep his legs lifted away from the ground when he was sitting on the sofa :) or sometimes, when everyone of us were watching TV, the cats wanted to climb only to his lap and to no one else's :) When we were newlywed, one fine morning, I got up early and went to the kitchen to help my mom. I left the bedroom door open. I and my mom were chatting and suddenly we heard my dear husband's distress call, " Manju, Manju, where are you!" My mom was too worried. She said. "Go and see Manju, he sounds very disturbed". I ran to the room. On the cot, at one end, my dear husband was sitting with lots of sleep still in his eyes and I could see some fear too. On the other end of the cot one of our sweet little cats was sitting and watching Rajender interestingly and naughtily. I would never forget that scene. On seeing that, I broke into laughter. Rajender said, “I was sleeping and it came and laid between my legs"  He said, "It is not going away, I had to get up, please take this away". Our cat wanted some warmth during that December month's early morning. It usually finds some comfy place in between my mom's legs when she was sleeping. With the same expectation it went to Rajender. I removed the cat and came out. From then on until now, Rajender reminds me when I come out of the room in the morning, " Manju, please close the door" :)

One other thing I learned from our cats is the joy of motherhood. I have been seeing our cats get pregnant and giving birth from a very tender age. I have seen and felt a pregnant cat’s tummy so many times. It is a joy to feel the little ones from outside. When I keep my hand on a very pregnant cat’s tummy, I could feel the head of the little ones rolling inside. When they move, you get a tickling sensation in the palm, I used to enjoy it and would count how many heads are there inside. After giving birth the mother cat turns into a bundle of love. It purrs gently (the purring actually sounds like a little motor running inside its body) and feeds its young ones dutifully. I have even helped our cat birth its little one - worked as a midwife for it! It was such an experience to see it give birth. I have not only shared their happy motherhood times but also have seen them grieve the loss of their little ones. The greatest enemy for new born cats is a male cat, even its own father. If the male cat finds the place where the little ones are, it just bites and kills them. It is of course horrible! The reason why it behaves so is, if the little ones are no more, the female cat reaches its estrous cycle soon due to the lack of feeding period and gets ready for the next copulation! The plight of the female cat that lost its children is not any less than that of human. It cries and cries for days. It will keep on roaming around the place where the little ones were kept. Whenever it hears a mewing kitten somewhere it gets paranoid and runs around to see whether it is her children. Like every living being, it gets over its grief gradually, comes to an acceptance, and moves on!

I spent my 3WW with my mom and our cats. I ate very well, enjoyed all the native delicasies and my mom's cooking. I vomited very rarely. When compared to my pregnancy with twins it was a cake walk. I didn't have smell sensitivity, no constipation, there was no constant nausea, foods and its smell didn't turn me off. The more I felt better, more I was getting depressed. The only consistent symptom I had was gagging when brushing teeth.  When I get very paranoid I would take my brush and attempt to brush my teeth any time of the day :) My mom would look at me very surprisingly and with worry!

I literally tortured Rajender. I would call him and ask where he is. Whatever he says was enough to trigger my self-pity and anger. If he says he was with his friends or with his niece watching a movie, I got so irritated. I would cry, tell him all nasty things. I would say, "Here I am struggling every moment with uncertainty and fear, you left me to deal with all this alone and you are enjoying there", this was my constant accusation.  He would say, "I asked you several times whether I must stay back and you said I can leave. I will come back now". My mom on watching this got very angry one day. She said, “This is very unfair. You only asked him to go, I heard it myself, why are you now torturing him?” She would murmur, “It is not your fault, it is his fault. He has pampered you so much". I got so furious and told her, “When I have the heart to think about his happiness, his comfort, won't he think about me? It is his child too and how can he even come and ask me whether he could go? If he wanted to go, should I plead him to stay back?  I will never do that. That's why I asked him to leave". My mom had nothing more to say. She understood I was very disturbed and let me be the way I was. Not only with Rajender, to many of my loved ones I showed my anger and frustration. They understood me, forgave me. This is the reason why it is important to be with your mom during IVF times and not with your in-laws. If I have behaved the same with my in-laws our relationship would have definitely got strained. I also realized something after this incident between us, in any relationship compromise and sacrifice will not do any good. Make sure that you remain happy first. Only a happy person can keep others happy too!

At last, the day of ultrasound came. As the time got nearer I became surprisingly calmer. I prepared myself for the worst. I told Rajender that he must be strong. He said, "We have done our best, nothing more is in our hands, whatever is the outcome, please don’t worry". I told Dr that I will not mail him if there is no heart beat. He replied, “I will be praying and awaiting your mail". Before I entered the ultrasound room I looked at my mom. I was breaking down inside. I thought, “Whatelse and all she has to endure because of me!" I told her, "Amma, you must be brave. Even if there is no heart beat you must not worry too much, I will not worry too". I entered the room when my turn came. I felt I was carrying so many people's expectations, my heart was heavy. That was the first time in our 7 years of infertility history I was going to have a scan without Rajender. He was always with me for hundreds of scan I had before.

In the scanning room there stood the same lady doctor who measured my antral follicles. I gave her the necessary information. They first did an abdominal scan. Then they asked me to move to the other part of the room where they will do the vaginal scan. I looked at her and asked eagerly, "Is there a heart beat?" She said, “I have to look vaginally". There was a big screen in front of me and I could see the live scan picture on it lying down. I closed my eyes. My heart was beating so fast. The picture got clearer on the screen as the doctor focused on my little one and......


Wednesday, October 8, 2014

7dp5dt - faintest line on hpt!

Do you see a line in the above picture? :)

I and Rajender waited anxiously for 3 minutes and looked at the test window of hpt, it was white as snow, no sign of a line. I thought it was all over. After sometime, I again peeked at the test window without much hope. I felt that I saw something. Rajender also took a look. We were totally confused. Was it really a line? There was a shadow but it didn't have a pink hue to it. We then took a look at the second hpt which is a different brand from the first one. It showed a faintest possible line too, like a shadow. I felt happy, Rajender was happy too. The times where we celebrated for getting a line on hpt were all gone. We just looked each other in disbelief. Even if it is a positive we knew that there is a long, uncertain road in front of us. I called my mom and showed the line to her. I also warned her that she shouldn't raise her hopes too high. She said, "Manju, all will be well" I smiled at her in disbelief.
I took a picture of hpt and mailed it to Dr. Malpani. I know he will be happy to know the result. He replied, "Will you do a blood test, please?" I understood that he was not sure about that faintest line. I called the person who measured AMH, his name is Arun. He said that he will come and collect blood. He promised to give the result by evening. Those 6 or 7 hour wait for the blood test result was horrible; it felt as if the time stood still. When I got a call from Arun, my hands were shivering. What if the line I saw in the hpt was just an evaporation line, did I imagine it to be a positive! I picked up the call and he said, "It is a positive ma'm, your beta-hCG is 44". What a relief! I called Dr and he was very happy, he said that it was a very good value for that stage of my pregnancy. “Repeat the test after 48h”, he suggested. Everything appeared magical. I replayed in my mind all the events that happened during the last few months. I was in utter disbelief. “Are we blessed or will this joy end prematurely”-that was the question in my mind. I prayed, "God, if it is destined to end, let it end now. I can't go through another pain. It will cripple my life forever".
On 9dp5dt (48h later) Arun came to our home and collected blood again. I waited for the evening and for his call. He called promptly and said, “It is increasing”. I asked eagerly, "How much is the value?" He replied and my heart broke. It was a mere 65! It didn't double. The doubling time was 85h (31h-72h is normal). It increased only 47% (a 50% increase by 48h is considered normal)! I felt life is playing another cruel joke with me. After the initial self-pity and tears, I regained my original self. I understood that nothing could be done if it is going to end. On the other hand, I also wondered about the possibility of lab error. I called Arun again. Poor guy, he must have regretted his luck of having a customer like me. I asked him so many questions, I wanted to know how he transported the blood, was it exposed to high temperatures, what kind of test kit and machine they use, was it automatic or done manually, how was the standard prepared, whether it was done in duplicates or triplicates, did he use the same lot of test kit as it was done two days back. He was frustrated. At the end he told me, “please come with me I will perform the test in front of you” :) He also told me, why don't you give one sample to Bose clinic. It is a bigger lab which is there in Madurai for a long time and hence famous too!

In the evening, we went to Bose lab. They collected blood and said that I will get the result the next day evening. Again another horrible waiting game started! Next day evening I called them. Someone spoke on the other side. She said, your beta-hCG is 18! I was in shock, absolute shock. It took me some time to come out of it and think clearly. I thought, "What nonsense is it! I took hpt this morning and evening too, the lines are getting brighter than it was on 7dp5dt. Then how could the beta-hCG be 18!" I got so irritated and called the lab again. After I told my grievance, they connected me to the head of the lab. He introduced himself as a doctor. He said, “come again and give blood, we will talk in person”. I hided my irritation and asked whether they have my previous blood sample. He said that they still have it. So I asked him to repeat the test with it. He promised, “I myself will check your blood tomorrow and call you with the result". I kept the phone. I couldn't believe anyone. I thought, “how poorly they run labs in India, if I hadn't used hpt how scared I would have been by now!" I and Rajender again went to nearby medical shop, brought hpt, checked my urine again for beta-hCG, the line was getting brighter. It had a beautiful pinkish tinge to it. If the line is brighter than on 7dp5dt, my value can never be 18. And moreover, the sensitivity of hpt I used is 20 miu. I have to atleast have 20 miu in urine to have the faintest line!  This means my blood levels should be much higher. I gave a deep sigh of relief.

The next day morning, first thing I did was to call Arun. He was humble and kind enough.He came home for blood collection. It was 11dp5dt. I asked him to collect two samples, one to measure in his lab and one to send to SRL! 

11dp5dt report came and it was 116, a decent increase from the previous value which is 65. SRL report showed almost similar value. I started to have faith in Arun. That doctor from Bose lab called me in the evening. I picked up the phone and he said, " I checked it myself today and it is now 19". I don't know whether to laugh or to cry. I didn’t even have the strength to explain him, to say that their test is wrong or to shout at him. I just said OK and kept the phone. I decided I will never ever go to them! 

Then 69h later (14dp5dt) my beta-hCG was 242. 96h later (18dp5dt) it was 832.  The doubling time was never 48h or less. Except the first two values (where the doubling time was 85h) everything else fell within the 72h doubling time limit. I kept on having blood tests. After 25dp5dt it crossed the 10,000 mark. I haven't seen such shaky betas online and most women with such slow rising betas didn't have a happy ending. I was confused, sad and afraid. I cried many a day. I told Dr, “Dr, if this is not meant to be, let it end quickly. I couldn't bear this torture". He replied, "I am praying for a happy ending 36 weeks from now".

I didn't go for a scan early. I decided I will go for a scan only at 7 weeks and not before. If I go early and again if I end up with some uncertainty, like, sac is there, fetal pole is there but no HB, then that suspense will kill me. So I decided to have a scan at 7 weeks irrespective of Dr's advice. I was scared of ectopic but I was even more scared of an inconclusive report!

Rajender asked me, "Manju, will you stay with amma until your first scan, can I go to AP?" It was very boring for him in Madurai; his parents will miss him and would want him to be with them; he has friends there so that he will feel better there and moreover his niece, who is doing medicine, will come for holiday so that they could spend some time together."  I said, “Ok, you go there. I have to just go for scan and I will manage." I really, really thought he will feel much better in AP with his parents and sister. He asked me again and again whether he must stay back. Deep inside, I wanted him so badly near me; it was horrible to live with uncertainty and alone. But I wanted him to be comfortable too. I felt sorry for him when he sat at home all day without knowing what to do. So, I said firmly, “you can go, I will manage". One fine day he left to AP and I made him regret his decision!

The horrible 3ww started. My mom will buy everyday 2hpts for me (like buying chocolate when I was young). That was my only solace, taking pregnancy test morning and evening! The lines got thicker and thicker and when the test line reached the thickness of control line, it remained the same.

How did I get through the 3ww? What happened at the end of it?
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