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Sunday, May 14, 2017

What not to say to a woman who is struggling to conceive ?

Haven't written for ages. Haven't replied emails. But , on this Mother's Day I just couldn't keep mum. So here are my thoughts. Hope all are doing good. My hearty wishes for a journey which will yield you all what you desire most ❤

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. I couldn't fathom how I am feeling about it. After 8 years of infertility treatments , I had my daughter. If I think of those days when I was grappling with infertility - I remember the repeated failures ; struggle ; emptiness ; hopelessness ; enormous yearning for a kid ; and I also remember the constant ultrasounds ;  hundreds of injections and lots of medicines.  Not only that , I also remember how strong I got day by day ; how that experience spiritually transformed me into a better person. I also remember fondly the people who helped me achieve Anisha. More than everything , I am thankful to people who had the right things to say.

There are people who think Mother's Day is not for someone who didn't give birth ( Doesn't everyone has a lovely mother even if they didn't give birth by themselves ! ) So , wish everyone ( every woman deserves mother's day wish ) - no body comes into this world without a mother.

On this Mother's Day , I want to share with people the things you shouldn't say to women who are childless.

1. Don't say "Children are God's gift"

You might use this sentence very innocently. But women who are struggling to conceive can be very hurt by this ' well - meaning " statement. When you say so , you automatically take a higher position. It indirectly means , God has gifted something very precious to you , while He has denied that to them. Pause for a moment , and think before you speak. If children are God's gift , pedophiles must be infertile - are they really infertile ? Is there a bigger sin than sexually assaulting an innocent child ?

2. Don't brag about how easily you got pregnant

No woman who is struggling to have a baby would love to hear that. Yes , some women get pregnant at the drop of a hat. It doesn't make her superior in anyway. Even animals get pregnant very easily . For example , haven't you seen pigs ? It's nice that your fertility apparatus is functioning fine - but , bragging about it to infertile women says a lot about you than your fertility apparatus.

3. Do not ask to adopt

Being infertile , doesn't warrant an infertile couple to be more charitable than you. Infertile couples have the same fears and concerns like you about bringing a new human into their life who is not genetically related to them. If you think adoption is such a great act , why didn't you adopt one when you have a child ( or children ) of your own ?

4. Do not say infertility treatments are costly and futile.

Every couple going through infertility treatments know well about it's pros and cons. Definitely , you are not more knowledgeable about them in this matter. So , it's better to keep your mouth shut. Do not scare them with your unscientific beliefs , like , infertility treatments causes cancer or birth defects. For your information , " No , they don't "

5. Don't talk about their age , weight , etc.,

Unless you are a medical professional , don't talk about the above mentioned things. They know well what is in favor of , and what is not in favour of them when undergoing treatment. Many women choose to get married later for many different valid reasons - even if the reason is not valid for you , it is for them.

6. Don't assume to be a "sexpert"

Do not advice about better sexual positions for conceiving. We have tried many you wouldn't even imagine. Don't advertise yourself as a "sexpert". We understand very well what you are trying to brag about ;)

7. Don't ask unnecessary questions

To probe , who is infertile - whether the man or the woman , is the worst kind of question you could ask an infertile couple. Don't be a nosey parker , it's none of your business.

8. Do not ask to relax

" Don't think too much - if you relax you will get pregnant " - This is the worst advice of all ! Will you tell a person suffering with cancer the same - " relax , you will be cured "  ? Infertility is also a medical problem. Stress will not prevent someone from conceiving. Infertility causes stress , stress didn't cause infertility. When facing a life crisis , not only we , you too will think about it all the time - because we need solutions , we all desperately search for a way to end the crisis. Which dumb person will sit and relax when something is going wrong with their life ? Not me !

9. Don't tell them to pacify God

First , infertility is not God's wrath. It's not God's curse. God has nothing to do with someone procreating - be it human or animals.  Yes , you have always come across a particular couple , who went to particular place of worship and got pregnant. But , you wouldn't know how much more a woman yearning for a baby is doing to cover all the bases ( from fasting , praying without ceasing and visiting many places of worship ). Don't add something else new to the list. And there are couples who see their problem in a purely scientific way - your well - meaning suggestions can be of no use to them. It's always wise not to bring God into infertility.

What can you say ?

If someone shares their infertility problem with you , it means they believe you. They believe that you won't hurt them. The best thing you can say to someone struggling with infertility is - " This too will pass , I am sending you my prayers and good wishes " More than saying something , show that you care by helping them in little ways, like ,  spending some quality time with them. It will help them forget their struggles for sometime.

Happy Mother's Day ! It doesn't matter whether you carry your child in your hand or heart , or in your memories - you are a beautiful mother ❤

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