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Wednesday, November 11, 2015

How lack of knowledge about infertility treatments can deny you the baby you need most !

This is an email I received from one of my blog reader. It is a privilege to receive emails from women whom I don't know personally - they open their heart and soul to me ! I am humbled by the fact that I am gifted to act as their confidante , their sounding board.
This email bares the heart of a woman who struggled to have a baby - but unfortunately who is not successful ! She nails the fact - how lack of knowledge about her own fertility ( or infertility ) and lack of money, prevented her from having the baby she most desired.
Although, there's a lot of self-pity in her emails, she is also very intelligent - she has understood clearly what deterred her from having a baby. This letter must be read by women struggling with infertility - not all wisdom have to be gained from your personal experience ! You can learn a lot from others' failure stories rather than success stories - that's why failure stories are precious when going through infertility !
I would be publishing more of patient queries and stories, hereafter. I would be happy to publish your success or failure stories, too. Please do write to me : I will not be revealing any of your personal details in my blog, you will remain anonymous - if you want to be so ! By sharing your story, you are sharing your knowledge and wisdom with many fellow women who are in need of knowledge, support and inspiration. So, please come forward to do so. 
Do leave your valuable comments, it helps a lot, too !
Hi Manju,
I know you are very busy with your baby Anisha.  I wish and your family best of luck.  Manju, I read your blogs very ofthen. Today I have read about how your education and your profession helped you a lot in your pursuit to ahve a baby and solve your infertility problem.  Ane you know, I am unlucky that during my school days I was not interested in science subjects.  I was such a fool that even after my marriage I did not know what is ovulation.  It is not that I was illiterate but that nobody talks to me about sex and and infertility.  I used to hear that God gives child to married couples and children born before marriage are illegal children.  When I faced the infertility problem I did not know which doctor to see.  What to ask the doctors?  And now I have learned so many things That I talked only of IVF and the procedure.  And I tell fertile couples that if IVF would have not have been expensive I would ask every fertile couple to try it at least once in their life to know what IVF is.  Even though I don't have a baby in lap, I have known what is pregnancy although for a little while.  Nobody can understand what I have undergone. How painful my journey of infertility was!  From zero knowledge of infertility I am now full of knowledge.  I read your blogs and I laugh  at my stupidity.  I wanted to be a good mother, to give my knowledge and to share my experience to my offspring.  I can not blame anyone nor can I say that God did not give the time to solve my infertility.  If only the government of my country would have thought about infertile couples in our country all the women of my age would not have suffered for a child of their own.  We infertile couples of our country have spent a lot but still our government is not talking about IVF to be introduced in our public hospitals.  We live in a country where education is free, health is free,  transport is free for students and old aged persons and our welfare state provided so much facilities to needy people. Old aged pensions, subsidies on Gas and what not do we get but no seriousness about infertile couple.  In the year 1972, the government introduced the Family Planning to control birth and the result is that nowadays they are talking of increasing population because we lack people in country.  By the year 2050 we will be have more old aged population than working population.  So, it will be a major problem to provide those people with old aged pensions.  You might be thinking why I am telling you all these.  Yes,  because I know how difficult it is to look for money to spend on infertility.  I stood alone to struggle this problem in my life and today I am back to square number one.  I could not raise my standard of living due to this problem.  I did not have the courage to adopt a child fearing of society and perhaps my greatest desire was to see my own genes.  Ever since I am married, I have found myself talking to myself.  I am always happy for couples who enjoy the happiness of their own child in their laps after having struggled so much.  There was a teacher of mine who got his baby girl after twenty years of marriage and he told me that it was the fruit of his prayer and now he prays a lot.  He even has a mandir built by him where he goes to pray morning and evening.  One day he told me that his infertility was due to his low count of sperm.  I have seen so many miracles happening.  IVF itself is a great miracle by Dr Edwards and Steptoe.  Had they not discovered this, so many infertile couples would not have been happy nowadays.  My infertility was due to high level of testosterone, endometriosis and blocked tube due to endometriosis.  All these I was not told by doctors, I discovered them on my own by reading and research and by doing blood tests. I don't understand why I am telling you all this.  Perhaps I am on holidays, idle and thinking and regretting my past.  Loneliness teaches you a lot.  Loneliness makes one realised how busy others are.  Once I had cursed myself with my jinxed tongue that "...........what if I come to be infertile?"  At that time I was only 20yrs old, not yet married.  Now I think well before talking.  I don't want to hurt anyone with my words.  There is nothing in life pleasant for an infertile lady.  There is nobody around her.  She is surrounded with memories and heartcries.  However hard I try to say let bygones by bygones yet I cannot forget how many times my private parts have been seen by different doctors.  Sorry.........................................

Friday, October 16, 2015

Pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day

An angel, in the book of life , wrote down my babies birth , then whispered as she closed the book ,
  Too beautiful for earth !
Yes, perhaps my little ones were too beautiful for this world. It is going to be two years since I lost them. Although, Anisha's presence has eased the horror and pain of losing my children, the scar still remains. The more I get to know Anisha , more I miss my twin's presence. These two pairs of beautiful feet will never walk in this world, but they will walk in my heart and mind until I am gone. If I am given one more chance to relive November 5th, 2013, I would love to hug and kiss them, feel their warmth, and show them with my touch and presence how much I love them !
I heard the below story somewhere when I was little. Once a person met Buddha and asked for his blessings. Buddha said, let your grandparents die, then your parents, then you and then your children. The man got very angry on hearing this. Buddha smiled and said, I have given you the best blessing , just imagine how your life will be if death happens in the reverse order of what I just said ! How true those words are ! The pain of seeing young buds wither is never easy. That's the most cruel pain anyone could endure. When a young bud shrivels and is gone , it crushes one's hope and faith in life and living. My heart goes out to all the strong moms who had to go through pregnancy and/or infant loss. If you have survived it, you can survive almost anything in this world. You must be proud of yourself for being so strong and brave !
On this day, I want to say two things. The first is, if you are pursuing IVF, please opt for single embryo transfer. Multiple pregnancy carries many unpleasant risks. The pain of not conceiving is several times easier to deal with when compared to the pain of losing your precious little ones. With the improvement in embryo culture techniques, single embryo transfer has very good success rates, too.
The second thing is, we are very, very grateful to have Anisha in our life. After all that happened, there was every possibility of Anisha not happening in our lives, yet, she is here, happy and healthy. So, after pregnancy or infant loss, there is very high chance of having a rainbow baby in your life. Just don't give up ! Be persistent in your efforts. Have an open mind and try to explore all the different options which science offers, before giving up.
I just wish I will have my son back too in our lives someday :)

Monday, August 3, 2015

Anisha is six months old !

Anisha is six months old, going to be seven soon. This month, she has reached some great developmental milestones. She hasn't started to crawl yet. I think she is a bit lazy, like me. She is happy to be in our hands and expects us to do what she wants - to pick her toys and keep it near her, and so on. In this way, she doesn't have to do much of the moving. But yes, she does try to get moving when lying down. She raises her front and back, and then instead of moving forward she moves backwards a couple of steps :) I think, soon she will be crawling and I have to run behind her. I can't wait for that day.
She has started to take solid foods, but, still her main nutrition is mother's milk. I give her almost everything - from idly to meat and liver. She doesn't prefer fruits, anything sweet makes her to gag.
I think, I have an angry little one. When she wants to say no to food, once her stomach gets full, she grunts. That means I must stop feeding. This grunting applies to many other things too. It just means - "stop that, won't you !"
She has started to talk - I mean, to babble. It feels like she is talking. When she gets up early in the morning (at 4'o clock) and start to babble and play, believe me, my heart just melts, however tired I may be. Now, when watching rhymes, she babbles with it too.
Her dad is her playmate, a person who appears too funny. Whatever he does, she giggles, giggles and giggles. Even if he bends, that's something very amusing for her. She eagerly waits for her dad's arrival from work.
I am her love. Or, I wonder, whether she is afraid of someone stealing her milk when she is away from me ;) She wants to be in my hands all the time, and this behavior is more pronounced in the evenings. Even if she is in her dad's hand, if she sees me entering the room, she wants to come to me. How good it feels to be someone's priority !
Her fear of strangers is still there. This weekend, she cried and cried when one of our friends picked her up. I am happy in a way. As she grows, I don't want that she goes to strangers, I don't want that everyone holds her. 
That's how Anisha is nowadays.
I agree, I haven't done much justice to my blog. But, I am working on something else whenever I find time, I will soon let you know about it. It's all about infertility support ! And, I need all your support for that.
I hope, I am not hurting anyone by talking much about motherhood.  You will all understand my joy and ecstasy if you know my journey to get Anisha. And moreover, when I lost my twins, I hopped from blog to blog looking for little ones' pictures, especially IVF or surrogacy baby pictures, to find some hope. That helped me to keep my faith strong. I hope Anisha's pictures does help some of you in a similar way.
I do reply to e-mails. Please do write to me if you have any questions; answering your queries keeps me happy too when I feel really worthless and depressed. 

Sunday, June 28, 2015

Happy Birthday, Dr !

Dear Dr,

It has been three years since I know you, and knowing you has made a huge positive difference in my life - thank you ! Before I knew you, I came across your blog (blog.drmalpani.com every article you posted. I learned a lot from it ; it also gave me enormous moral strength to go through my excruciatingly painful IVF journey. Your blog contains a treasure of information which every patient, especially IVF patients, must read.  I wonder how you manage to update your blog everyday - it just shows the passion you have for your profession; the passion for sharing information with the patients; and the passion for educating them ! 

When I started my IVF journey, everyone around me, including the doctors I met, asked me to stay away from internet. Whenever I went with some questions and suggestions about my treatment, I was discouraged and sometimes even ridiculed. I was made to feel that knowing about the treatment details of my infertility is none of my business. I was warned that knowing little is dangerous; I was mocked for trying to play the role of a doctor without a valid medical degree. 

The below picture, I took recently from an intern's FB post:

This is how most doctors react to their patients' eagerness to take an active part in their treatment.

I am a person who want to involve myself in my medical care. When I was 5 or 6 years old, I fell down and broke my crown. The wound was bleeding profusely. My mother and her friend took me to a nearby hospital. On the way, they were talking about how big the cut is and was wondering whether the doctor will give a suture. They were saying that, if the doctor sutures the wound, it will be very painful. I was hearing everything silently. Once we entered the clinic and saw the doctor, I told him very clearly that I do not want a suture as it will cause much pain. When I heard this incident from my mom, I was so proud that I was able to voice my concern even when I was so little. Although, the final, well-fitting decision was in the hands of the doctor, I made sure to let him know my wish too as per the information I received. If I haven't done so, might he would have sutured the wound. Might be after hearing my concern he thought of leaving it as such with a dressing. My mom said that he looked amused by his little patient and promised that he wouldn't do a suture. 

I am a biologist who could understand my treatment details very well. I could have an intelligent conversation with my doctor. Even then, I was discouraged to take an active part in my treatment. After five failed IVF cycles and a FET, after trying a therapy called paternal lymphocyte immunization therapy which is of no proven benefit, I was at wits' end. Infertility is an emotionally debilitating illness. Adding to that,  lack of proper information and guidance could instill lots of fear. I was haunted by many questions - "Is there anything I could do more ? Why won't my embryos implant ? Is there anything I could do to improve the outcome of my IVF cycle ? How long should I try IVF ? Is there a magical solution ? Why my doctor is not giving me any information when my IVF cycle fails, apart from saying, sorry ? Since the paternal lymphocyte immunization therapy failed to provide a successful outcome, does it mean I will never have a baby ? What is wrong with my body ?" My questions remained answered !

I started to look for IVF doctors in India. During that time I came across your blog. It was so good to see you introducing yourself as a patient advocate who prescribes information therapy. Your blog not only helped me to find the answers I needed but also counselled me. My fears calmed down. I found solace in penning down my emotions and opinions in your blog. You suggested me that I must write a blog too and it will be highly therapeutic.

That is how my blog came into being. You gave me suggestions regarding what topics will be helpful for the patients. You patiently corrected all my articles. My English was very poor, I even had no idea how to use proper punctuations (still I don't !). But, you always had kind words to encourage me. You are humble enough to say that you learn a lot from me too. The more I wrote, more I learned. The more I learned, more confident I became. As you said, writing a blog is very, very therapeutic - I started to look at my infertility in a whole new light.  Putting my thoughts and feelings in words helped me to look beyond my fears and failures. 

My blog is only  three years old and has 500,000 hits. I get lots of e-mails from patients. Helping them to find answers to their questions has helped me too - I learn a lot too ! Counselling them has helped me to overcome my fears too. Not only patients, even doctors write to me congratulating me for my articles. Once a doctor said that she would love to print my (our!) articles and give to her patients. Recently, a doctor wrote to me saying that, my articles will not only help patients but doctors too ! 

I am not registering everything here to boast about you or about myself.  I just want to let people know what kind of magic a good doctor could create; how he could help patients to help themselves and to help others too; how important it is to be a well-informed patient and also to find a doctor who will answer all their questions patiently and involve them in their own healthcare decisions.

Dr, thank you so much for everything you have done for me ! I have learned a lot from you. You have taught me :

Intellectual humility - You have shown me that there is something to learn from everyone I meet and from every situation I face. After all, life is nothing but a learning experience !

To think outside the box -  I have never seen you following the masses. You have an original outlook about anything and everything. For example, you never suggest some therapy to your patients just because everyone else is doing so ! You weigh carefully the scientific evidence and its pros and cons.

To be consistent and never give up - Your blog, website and the patient education materials you create are a proof of that ! You are blogging for more than 10 years and that too almost everyday ! You relentlessly update your website and create patient education materials.

To stand for what I believe in - Your efforts to promote information therapy says it all ! 

To be passionate about what I do.

To be a well-informed patient and the importance of it.

Apart from my blog, apart from the good things I learned from you, I am now extremely grateful to you and your team for helping us to have our little Anisha. Atlast our dream has come true ! She has made our life very beautiful and lively. 

If not for your presence and guidance, if not for my blog, I might have given up IVF a long back. I might not have had Anisha. Thanks a ton Dr for being there !

Today is your birthday. I wanted to let you know that you will always be thought of with so much fondness for who you are. I hope you will be honored for your efforts in promoting patient education and information therapy in India.

Happy Birthday, Dr ! May you stay very happy, healthy and blessed ; may all goodness follow you for many, many, many more years to come !


Wait Dr, Anisha wants to tell you something too :

Hi Dr :) Anisha here. Hope you are doing good. I am fine; amma and appa loves me so much and I am basking in that love and warmth. Amma said that today is your birthday - happy birthday ! Be very happy always !

Thanks a lot for helping my parents to bring me into this world ! May I ask you something - when can I have a picture with you, just like the above picture where you are with a cute little one ?

Love and hugs,

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Anisha is 5 months old !

Time flies by, our little one is growing fast. Anisha is fine and so are we. She has started to roll over exactly at four and half months. She has to try so hard to achieve it and she was practicing the skill whenever she is lying down. One fine day, she rolled over and was happy, happy. The way she looked at me proudly, after achieving the feat, will remain etched in my heart always.

One thing that worries me is, nothing entertains her more than Chu Chu TV rhymes.  Recently, I could see how involved she is in those cartoon characters by her facial expressions. She even smiles when her favorite rhyme appears on screen. She thoroughly enjoys it. I try to be a good mom and entertain her as much as I can. I take her out, show her flowers and plants. I try to read her books and play with her. But, there are times when I have to do house hold work and I then leave her in her comfort chair with rhymes on. I hope it doesn't hurt her in any way. If anyone of you have any suggestions please let me know !

Breast feeding continues. After crossing four months, she started to take feed more often than before. That took a toll on my nipples again; now they are cracked at the tip. It does pain, but, not as worse as it was in the beginning. I thought, Anisha will start to sleep long stretches as she ages, but I don't see it happening anytime soon. She still wakes up two times every night for feeding. I tried giving her solid food. But she wants only milk and  she is satisfied with it. Hopefully, after six months, this trend changes. I can't wait to feed her different foods and understand her tastes.

She has started to let me know that she needs me and searches for me when I am not around. Yesterday, I went out to throw the garbage. She was in her dad's hand. She saw me leaving. When I entered few seconds later, the reaction in her face was precious. She was surprised, her eyes were wide open and was so happy to see me. She was trying to catch my attention with a broad smile as if she was trying to say, "oh, you are here again !"

She now catches things and moves them here and there. She wants me nearby all the time, especially, when sleeping at night. She wakes up even if I am not nearby her for a few minutes. I, on the other hand, will never be able to sleep alone without her nearby. Sometimes she prefers to sleep on my chest and at times I take her and keep her on my chest even if she is sleeping nearby. I don't know who is spoiling who, but, I do whatever it feels good for her and for me - a typical me who follows the heart more than my brain !

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention something else - we have moved to a new city ! This place is awesome, satisfies all my dreams of living in a country side. The last two pictures are from the place where we live now. This place is famous for wine making and what you see on the slopes is vineyards.

Life has changed a lot and I understand it will continue to. I am ready for changes, but, let every change bring with it lots of happiness for Anisha. That's my only prayer nowadays. I hope every one of you are doing good. When I receive e-mails like, 'I want an Anisha too', 'Anisha gives us hope', 'Anisha is like our niece', 'I come to your blog to see Anisha', I am so much humbled. Thanks for all the love !

Again, if I haven't replied to anyone of you, I am really sorry ! Shifting to new place has taken lots of my time and I was not feeling that great for sometime now. I will definitely get back to you soon.

As usual, some of Anisha's snaps below :

Thursday, May 14, 2015

God, infertility and IVF

I was introduced to God by my parents at a very young age; perhaps during the time when I started to imitate my elders. They took me to temples , asked me to keep my palms together and said, “Ask God that He should take care of you and protect you”. I repeated what they said without even understanding the meaning of what I am repeating “God please protect me !”. My parents were very happy and so were my near and dear ones . They enjoyed the childishness in the words I uttered. They were pleased that I would grow into a “God-fearing” child. But I had no idea who God is. I felt happy to be in a temple because I could see so many different people there; I was excited to repeat what I was told to - because everyone’s attention was on me and I got lots of appreciation for what I did. This is how God came into my life. I never knew at that point of time that this invisible person, whom I will never meet, will shape my life; will have a strong control over me and will provide me with emotional protection. I also never knew that He can make me feel guilty and fill me with irrational fears !

When I grew a bit older, my parents used God as a tool to control my pranks. They used to say “Manju, if you tell lies God will pierce your eyes; so do not lie.” I used to get terrible dreams of losing my eye sight every time I lied. However, the lie saved me from my elder’s anger more effectively than God would. But the fear that God will punish me remained etched in my mind.

I was educated in schools run by Christian organizations. I learned a lot about God there. We had a church within the school; there were regular prayer meetings and bible studies. In such an environment, I got to hear the message - “God loves you” , and this was a very new message for me. I was taught until then that God will protect me from harm and He will punish me when I do something wrong; but no one told me that God loves me and I had no insightful thinking to assume that the “super power”loves me. Those were the times I started to feel closer to God ; I started to treat Him as my friend. I shared with Him my fears and wants; when I was worried, and when I could not talk to anyone about what bothered me, I knew where to go. I went to church, kneeled in front of Him, told Him my worries and asked for help. When I reached out to Him, my fears appeared less bothersome and I strongly believed that I would get help. I asked Him help for everything –for getting good marks, so that my dad wouldn’t get upset; for protecting me from my teachers’ wrath whenever I failed to do my homework; for giving me the things I desired; for protecting my mom, dad and sister; for curing my dear ones - and for many more things ! God became my confidant – He knew everything about me – each of my secrets. I struggled hard to keep my thinking good – I was scared that bad thinking would bring forth God’s anger and He would punish me ! I also learned to seek His forgiveness whenever I did something wrong; whenever I went against my conscience. I got a lot of relief when I could repent and get His forgiveness. The bonding I had with Him increased day by day , and I am sure He loved me unconditionally!

I was taught this prayer during school days – and I can recite it even now :

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name, Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread; and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us; and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever and ever. Amen.

Then came my teen age years – I was physically and mentally metamorphosing into a new person. Raging hormones; physical changes; and lots of new, exciting thoughts and feelings set in. With that came in a lot more guilt ! I became uncomfortable about the fact that God knew “all”my thoughts. I struggled between keeping myself pure so that God remains pleased with me , but my “Mills and Boon”desires seem to pull me away from God many a time ! That was the most beautiful and highly confused period of my life. I tried hard to keep my thoughts “blemish free” and concentrated on my studies.

As I grew, I learned to bargain with God too. I would tell Him “God I will not eat non-vegetarian food on particular days; I will control my desire to eat it– can you please make my wish about coming first in this test come true ? “I used to panic a lot when my mom fell ill; and I always ended up feeling guilty because I believed that God was punishing me by making my mom suffer because of my evil thoughts and deeds ! In short, when my thought processes were not fully mature , I viewed God as a powerful person , who knew everything, including my innermost thoughts and desires . I believed that if I was good , I would be spared of His anger and He would bless me by granting me all my desires. This fear of God acted as a protective shield from many unwanted distractions I encountered in life. But it also curtailed my rational analyzing power many a time , and left me with irrational feelings of guilt !

Then came my college days and a much more mature me. I went to temples whenever I could and felt very peaceful when I stood in front of Him with my hands folded. I no longer kept my eyes closed when I prayed to Him. I found happiness looking at Him; talking to Him just like I talk to a friend - and I started to love Him too. I felt immense strength when I had Him near me. I prayed to Him frequently to give me a good future – a good job, a good life-partner and I constantly pestered Him to make my wishes come true !

Soon I entered into a period of life where I was well-settled; I found a wonderful life-partner and was ready to have lots of babies. Life was happy - but I found to my dismay that I could not get pregnant. I saw that something which was very natural and easy for others was denied to me. During this time I got a lot of advises on - which God to pray; what to offer Him; what kind of fasting and prayers I could do in order to please Him so that I could get my child! I prayed to God faithfully; swallowed the “prasadams” which was offered to Him - and fasted as instructed. I got pregnant – but went through a traumatic miscarriage!

This was when I was exposed to “life”. My pain made me receptive to other’s pain. I started to look around and realized that there are many others who suffer more than me. Suffering leads to “enlightenment”;suffering and pain opens up our mind; it makes us to search for “truth”. We only learn from adversity in our life – and what we choose to learn is upto us ! I am sure the “Bodhi tree” stands as an euphemism for “suffering” - and everyone becomes a little Buddha during some point in their life when they are faced with grief and agony !

The pain of infertility was so intense that I did my best to escape from it. The only reasonable way out, which is within my reach, is to acquire knowledge. When I say knowledge , it doesn’t mean scientific knowledge alone , but an attempt to get some rational answers to philosophical questions. Why did this happen to me ? Why did God forsake me ? Why is He making me suffer ? What did I do wrong ? Why do I have to endure this pain ? Is infertility a punishment ? Why can’t God help me out ? Why does God bless someone with a baby when they don’t want one - and when I need one so badly, why is He denying me that happiness ? Why are unwanted babies created and thrown in dustbins when there are so many people struggling to have one ? Why are so many children born to people who cannot even feed them properly ? When many drug addicts and pedophiles can have a baby without trouble, why can’t I? Why do bad things happen to good people ? I needed answers; answers which could ease my pain. Whom should I turn to? Where will I get the answers so that I will find peace of mind ?

When I carefully analyzed all the questions which arose in my mind, I understood that God is the anchor and all the questions are connected to Him in one way or another. I realized that, I will get the needed answers only if I could understand who God is ! Do I really know the person whom I am depending on all my life ? Where is He, what does He look like ? Does He really have anything to do with suffering ? Does He punish us when we do wrong ? Will He wipe my tears ? Does He posses the magical wand to make our reasonable desires (my baby wish !) come true ? WHO IS HE ?!

Below is my humble attempt to understand who God is ! I am no expert in religious literature, although I do try to grasp the crux of what is said in them. This article is like a baby’s first step , and I hope it doesn’t hurt anyone’s ideology. I hope I will not get a mail saying I am a blasphemer! The following definition I developed in my mind about God helped to me to be at peace with myself - and I hope it helps some of you too.

God is a form of energy. There is a powerful energy which is operating in this world. We can understand it when we think about this world’s architecture. In fact, why consider such complex things –just think about our body and how reproduction happens. Two minute cells unite to give birth to the most complex living organism. Being a biologist, I am always bewildered by all the minute yet complex processes that work in unison to keep us alive- and to create a new life form ! For such a complex process to work perfectly, there should be a designer. Doesn’t the accuracy by which this world functions and by which our body functions demand the existence of an omnipotent designer ? I believe there is a “super brain” at work behind the complexities and perfectness of life. There is an unimaginable and unfathomable force that operates in this world and we call that energy God. Imagine neglecting your home for a few months – the orderliness of your home will be gone ! Your home needs “you” to keep it in order ! Likewise , this world needs a “super power” to maintain its orderliness!

However, that energy (God) has nothing to do with making us cry or wiping your tears; it has nothing to do with the sufferings that happen in this world; it has nothing to do with giving me a baby or not giving me a baby; it is not responsible for our happiness or sadness. In short, it is an energy which doesn’t operate keeping an individual’s goodness in mind. It doesn’t even have a mind (thoughts like humans !), it is just an energy which is dissipated evenly throughout this world!

Such magnificent energy cannot be seen but it can be felt. You can feel it when you immerse yourself in the beauty and magnificence of nature. You can feel it in the kindness which people show you and in the love you give others. You can feel it when you help others - and when they help you. You can feel it , if you keep your heart open, in the work you do; in the warmth and compassion in this world; in a baby (any baby - not only in a human baby!); in suffering and pain; in happiness and joy; in a beautiful smile; in the perfect functioning of our body everything, everything ! You can also feel that energy when it takes a destructive form - in a storm, in a tsunami, in an earthquake. The same energy which protects this world can destroy it too !

Why is it so; why do bad things happen ? Why there are natural disasters ? Why there are diseases, hatred, war, crime ? Why do humans inflict suffering on fellow humans ? Again , it has nothing to do with that energy’s intent. You can use that energy to help you; to make you a better person; to live in absolute love and peace; to increase your happiness; and to make this world a better place to live in. You can also use that energy to destroy your happiness; to destroy peace and love; to make yourself miserable; and to bring darkness into this world. That energy which pervades everything actually takes the form of the mind which uses it. The negative form of that energy is very powerful and dangerous too. But without its negative form , we will never be able to appreciate its positivity.

This is why it is said that God is everywhere, in all life forms. I don’t believe in a God who is ready to wipe my tears; I don't believe in a God who is waiting to punish when I do something wrong or reward me when I do something good; I don’t believe in a God who gives me what I desire; I don’t believe in a God who will come to help me when I am in pain ! All this cannot be performed by God (by that energy)– but humans can do it , with the help of that omnipotent, omnipresent energy. Every human takes the role of God many a time. I see God in the love I get, in the help I receive, in the warmth and compassion of many fellow beings, I see God in a beautiful smile, in a child’s happiness and I see God in myself too , many a time.

A Chinese student works with me; I help him in his work. Few days before he asked me when I am going to India; and I told him about IVF treatment and so on. I told him when everything goes OK , I will go very soon for having a FET. Few days later he came to me and said, “Manju, I want to tell you something”. I thought he wants to talk about his work. But he said “ Manju my mom and dad got married very late. I was born to my mom at 35 and my little brother was born when my mom was 40; so Manju, please do not worry, everything will happen in good time for you as well “. I saw that positive energy in him; the energy which wanted me to give me some courage and comfort. I had tears in my eye - and even now they roll down my cheeks when I write about his kindness. There is God in the feeling I am having now - absolute gratefulness !

Please do not think that sufferings are a punishment from God. God doesn’t punish or reward anyone. When we are happy and content we never think “Why me ?”. We accept it so naturally. Just like happiness and joy, pain and suffering are an essential part of life; and we need to accept them too. Every adverse moment helps us to grow spiritually; it teaches us to use the omnipotent energy in the proper way. When there is no pain there is no gain ! We should learn to use the positive form of God (love, empathy, compassion, contentment, gratitude , knowledge, wisdom etc) to keep us strong during difficult times. After all, the aim of life is to find its purpose and such an“enlightenment” comes only during arduous times ! Remember, only the people who go through tough times make this world a better place to live in, with their contributions to mankind ! Gandhi was determined to fight for freedom only after he was thrown out of the railway compartment by an arrogant Britisher ! He transmuted his anger into a positive desire to help his suffering countrymen ! God comes wherever there is pain and suffering. You get to know God better when you suffer.

Always keep in mind that our thinking has enormous power. That is why we unknowingly attract people whom we love and repel people whom we hate. We are what we think ! Prayer is nothing but concentrated thinking. Praying to God may not get you what you want , but it will help you to accept what you get . Thinking and praying is also an expression of that omnipotent energy – good thinking bring forth good deeds and hence a better life ! A better life doesn’t just mean physical comforts; a better life doesn’t always mean a baby; a better life doesn’t mean good health – a better life means a heart ready to accept things as they are, and a mind which is prepared to face the struggle and come out of it successfully !

So, instead of searching for God somewhere else; instead of believing that God will help us ; instead of believing that God will make this world a better place; if we try to use the energy which is within us; which is around us; which is everywhere–we can make this world a better and beautiful place to live in. God is the energy that keeps the world going. It is the energy that keeps us going too. Perhaps that’s the energy which gives me the courage and strength to fight infertility! There is no guarantee that I will end up with a baby in hand with the help of God; but I am sure I will be a better person at the end of this journey - and that is what matters the most !

I believe in God, but not as one thing, not as an old man in the sky. I believe that what people call God is something in all of us. I believe that what Jesus and Mohammed and Buddha and all the rest said was right. It's just that the translations have gone wrong.

-          John Lennon

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Anisha is 4 months old !

Our little one has grown up a lot. During the previous medical check up, she is much taller than she should be. She is almost 7 kgs now. I can't be proud and thankful enough. Even German mothers comment, "Oh, she is big !" I think, feeding her whenever she needs and co-sleeping, has made this positive difference.  Breastfeeding continues without any problem.

Anisha, watches TV ! She loves watching animated rhymes and I love it too. When I was young, in the rhymes book, there will be a single picture depicting a scene of the rhyme. That picture combined with my imagination made many characters in the rhymes come alive. I still remember worrying for the broken humpty dumpty ! Now, these animated rhymes make every character come alive so beautifully, even I can't take my eyes off ! Children's world is just amazing. I am happy that I could be part of it again. Before Anisha falls asleep at night, I sing her many rhymes. She will smile and smile, get hungry, drink milk and fall asleep.

Anisha, nowadays love playing with my nipples. She keeps her mouth, takes it off and this game continues until she really gets hungry. When I say, "Anisha, it pains", she looks at me and flashes a very naughty smile. The pain vanishes immediately and I allow her to continue the prank. Another comedy is, during night, when she gets up for feeding, she wants to find my nipples in that dim light. She has also recently developed the habit of throwing her hands around my breast covering part of my breast and hiding her mouth. I will be sleepy too. We try to find each other in the dark - she searches for my nipple and I for her mouth. This continues in vain for sometime and she starts crying in frustration :) This makes me wide awake and I try to solve who the problem as quick as possible. She doesn't want that I talk when feeding. When I talk to Rajender she stops feeding and gives a very discontent look. If I continue talking, she raises her hand showing a finger and makes a crying face. That means, I must stop talking :) Oh, this little one !!!

She wants to sit. We try hard to keep her back well supported. She sometime gets very frustrated because of this and start screaming. She raises her back and tries to sit in her comfort chair.

After the completion of her third month, she attended three parties. Two, hosted by our friends, and one, we held to introduce Anisha to our friends. The very friendly, all smiling Anisha, was crying, crying and crying. She was not happy with the crowd and the noise. Only her dad could pacify her for sometime and she felt comfortable staying with her dad all the time. She was not happy to see a different mom - a mom who was always in nighty and no make-up to a mom wearing a saree or suit and with make-up !

She gets up once a night, rarely twice. Very recently, she has started to try to catch the playthings hanging on her play mat. She also had her first set of vaccinations.

Resemblance - hmm...yeah, I should admit that she looks more like Rajender. I still believe she has eyes which resembles mine, hopefully ! And, I love people when they say that she resembles me.

I can't be happy and thankful enough when I see her. We always remember our dark days and wonder how life has changed. All the past happenings have made me realize that everything will pass, until then, it is wise to be happy everyday for my blessings !

Please keep Anisha in your prayers ! All your blessings are priceless.

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Is it mother's day or a day to celebrate procreation ?

Yesterday, my mom sent me mother's day wish. I must have been very happy, right ? Unfortunately not ! I realized my mom never sent me a mother's day wish before. Now that I have given birth, my mother thinks I am eligible to receive mother's day wishes ! Not only my mom, most people think so too. I wonder whether what we are celebrating is, mother's day or procreation day ! Isn't there a difference between the two ? Mother's day is celebrated to honour our mother or someone who has taken that place in our heart - to celebrate a person who has shown us unconditional love and cared for us ! We are not celebrating the ability of a woman to give birth;  we are celebrating the nurturing that we receive and received. There are mothers who just carried (reproduced) and there are women who cared irrespective of their ability to undergo biological process of giving birth.  No one has come into this world without a mother and everyone deserves a mother's day wish ! Isn't it a day we must all celebrate irrespective of our own motherhood status ?

After I got married, I crossed several mother's day expecting someone would wish me too. Once a person wished me for mother's day and later apologized for doing so after learning that I do not have a biological child ! I thought, "Stupid, I don't have a child but I have a mother" !

Thank goodness,  I was not active in FB before ! Today, when I saw the feeds in FB, I was astonished to see the flooded messages ! I would have definitely felt very, very alone if I have seen those messages before. And surprisingly, even after having Anisha, I felt an uneasiness spreading within me when I saw those overhyped mother's day messages especially the one's from women who have produced their biological offsprings. Most of them didn't talk about their mother but about themselves - how proud they are to be a mom !

I sincerely wish that there will be a day called procreation day where every women and men could celebrate their victory of producing offsprings. Until then, please include every women and every men too when celebrating mother's day. Remember, no one here is an alien being ! We are all human beings and without doubt everyone has a mother ! Moreover, an infertile women is the best mother in this world as she is already doing a lot physically, emotionally and financially for her prospective child. If people who look down upon women who are infertile understands the strength and determination an infertile women poses, they will be jealous about her.

Happy Mother's Day folks ! Never feel alone and unappreciated on this day. Everyone of us are the best mother in this world. I have a great mother and I am very happy to be a part of today's celebrations. I hope I stay as a good mother too !

Sunday, May 3, 2015

Anisha's First Birthday !

Yes, scientifically speaking, today must be Anisha's first birthday. Exactly today is the day Anisha came into being. On May 3rd, 2014, Dr. Sai selected one of Rajender's sperm and injected into my egg, the result of which is the formation of a new life, a single-celled zygote. That single-celled life is now our daughter Anisha. Everything that happened appears really miraculous. We are thankful for the presence of Anisha everyday. I can answer scientifically how everything happened but I do not have an answer for why everything happened ! Should I just say everything happened due to chance or whether there is a force which we can't easily decipher and explain, working behind the scenes ? I will never know. I would love to write what made all the difference, hopefully soon.

Once again my sincere thanks to Dr. Sai, who is so happy and kind enough to send his blessings for Anisha as soon as I reminded him that this was the day he created Anisha :) My heartfelt thanks to Dr. Malpanis' and their wonderful team for using their scientific knowledge and talent to make Anisha happen.


Wednesday, April 29, 2015

How Anisha entered this world ? (Labor story - Part II)

As I was staring at the monitor with fear, a doctor and a midwife hurried inside the room. They came as quick as a lightning. "Manju, turn to your left", they ordered. I struggled to change position and the midwife helped me. Within few seconds, Anisha's heartbeat became normal again. I was still trying to make sense of what was happening. The doctor talked, "We are monitoring your CTG from labor room; we saw your baby's heartbeat drop, that's why we came". That's quick I thought, that was really, really quick. I was thankful for the medical care I was receiving. The doctor immediately inserted an IV canula in my arm. She said, "Let it be there, just in case if we need it". They looked at the CTG measurements for few more minutes. Everything was normal. The doctor told me, "Go and sleep; if you have unbearable pain come back again". I was wondering how to sleep ! "What will happen if Anisha's heartbeat drops again, how will I know that in sleep ?" I looked at the doctor and asked my concern. She saw the worry in my face. She asked me to wait and disappeared into the labor department. After few minutes she came back. She said, "We have decided to monitor you closely, please come with me !" I felt an enormous relief on hearing it.

When I was about to enter the labor department, Rajender came. I explained him what happened. I was also happy that he was not nearby. Poor thing, he might have become so frightened. I didn't tell him that Anisha's heartbeat dropped to 40s. I just told him that it dropped below 120. A midwife took us into a labor room. It was looking beautiful, just like a 5 star hotel suit. They asked me to lie down there and connected me to another CTG instrument. The plan was to monitor me continuously for an hour. I looked at the ceiling. There were many tiny bulbs embedded in the wall which emitted blue light, they appeared like stars. There was also one big bulb inbetween those tiny ones emitting milky white light,  it appeared like moon. I was captivated by the beauty of it. I told Rajender, " When Anisha will be coming out, when I will be in enormous pain, I will look at the ceiling and relax".

That one hour passed eventless. There were no contractions, Anisha's heart beat was stable. The doctor came inside again. She said, "I understand your worry. You have to trust me. I believe all is well now. If you are monitored continuously, the machine might pick up some more abnormalities of no significance. There are no contractions too. Just go and sleep peacefully". She continued, "We must plan a C-section for you, we will discuss about it tomorrow".  What she said appeared sensible to me. I consoled myself by saying, "C-section is OK too. I just can't bear this uncertainty anymore. Whatever the mode of birth is, Anisha must be safe in my hands".

On the other hand, my pain was increasing too. I told doctor that I was having lower back pain. She sent me saying, "I will ask the nurse to give you an anti-spasmodic and paracetamol". I went to my room again. I asked Rajender to stay with me. He has brought some bedsheets with him. Although there was another lady in our room, I insisted that he lie down near my bed. I was not comfortable staying alone and he knows that without a valid concern I wouldn't ask him to stay. He prepared his bedding on the floor near the room heater. At the same time a nurse entered the room and handed over a buscopan vaginal pessary. She also had paracetamol which will be given intravenously.She looked at Rajender and said, "You are not allowed to stay here. There is another patient in this room". I looked at her helplessly. The other woman in the room on hearing what nurse said, talked. She said that she has no problem if Rajender stays there. I was very, very thankful for her understanding and compassion.

The nurse then tried to insert the needle in the IV canula. She did it so carelessly, the blood oozed out and stained the bedsheets and some poured on the ground too. I asked her to remove the sheets and replace it with clean ones. She looked at me nonchalantly. She gave a reaction as if I was troubling her and said, "I have no one to help me. I can't change the sheets now". I was so tired and angry too. My pain was getting too bothersome, I just want to lie down. Rajender tried to interfere but I calmed him down. I told him, "This is the difference between Germans and non-Germans. I have no energy now, leave it !" That nurse was a non-German ! I have found Germans to be very dedicated and perfect in their work. There is lots to learn from them !

We switched off the light and laid down. The paracetamol seemed to calm my pain a bit. But within 10 more minutes my pain became so intense I couldn't bear it. So, I inserted buscopan pessary too ignoring Rajender's concern of the medicine hurting Anisha. I tried to close my eyes. All I felt was pain and fear. I was constantly thinking about Anisha's heartbeat. Ten more minutes passed. I couldn't lay down anymore. I woke Rajender. I told him, " I couldn't bear this pain, it is increasing rapidly."  By that time, contractions were coming 5 minutes apart and was extremely painful. So, we went out of the room towards the place where CTG monitoring was done. I saw a midwife and told her that my pain was unbearable. I pleaded, " Please do something. I have too much pain. Normally, I bear pain very well. This is not something which can be ignored". She said, "Wait for sometime, I will come back". She left us in the corridor and vanished. I was screaming in pain. I forgot that there were people around. I just screamed. Rajender was looking at me with concern and was trying to pacify me. The midwife came. She said, "I want to check your cervix please lie down in that room!" I was like, "What! You want to insert your finger now !".

I had no other option than to obey. She prodded my vaginal area and looked very confused. She said, "May be 2 cms". Then she said, " I am not sure, I will call someone else to check too". She came with another midwife. She checked my cervix and smiled. She said, "It is 7 cms" ! "I knew, I knew, the pain was horrible !"

Then they called the doctor. Doctor came and looked at me with a smile. She said," your baby is going to come today". I was happy but was also in too much pain. I pleaded, "Please give me epidural, I couldn't bear this". They immediately agreed to my request. They said, "We will take you to labor room and we will call the anesthesiologist as quick as possible". They were also looking at each other with a sheepish grin. I was  wondering about it. The doctor said, "We have too many patients who are waiting for delivery today and the labor room is full. This happens very rarely".

I was taken to labor room and was connected to CTG machine again. As the anesthesiologist was preparing for peridural anesthesia, they gave some other drug via IV. I had no strength to ask what it was and that was very unusual of me ! Before anesthesiologist gave me anesthesia I could feel my pain subsiding. I was wondering about it. By the time anesthesiologist gave me the epidural and left, I had no pain. I and Rajender were left alone. We were staring at the monitor. There were no contractions at all, I had no pain too.  I was feeling warm and my heart beat racing. I thought it was the effect of anesthesia. But when a midwife came and when I asked her what was it they were giving via IV, I came to knew I was being given tocolytic to prevent uterus contraction. I understood why my heartbeat was too high. In the beginning, I thought, they gave me tocolytic so that it will be easier for the anesthesiologist to give epidural. Now, I doubt, whether they gave me tocolytic to postpone the delivery as the labor department was full and they didn't have enough staffs!

After some time a new midwife came and she wanted to do cervical check one more time. Since the epidural was there I didn't feel any pain or discomfort. My abdominal region didn't have any sensation but I could move my  legs. That was amazing. I would strongly reccomend taking a peridural anesthesia if you are offered one. The midwife felt my cervix and looked at me with confusion. She said, " It is only 1 or 2 cm open". I felt very, very irritated. Are they playing with me was the question in my mind. Then another midwife came. She felt my cervix again. She said, " It is wide open, I could feel baby's head. There is lots of hair! (Not again!) But there is something which is blocking the cervical mouth". She said, "let doctor come and check once". I was hearing everything and wondering how things will proceed. Then the doctor came in. She checked my cervix again. She said," It is open. Since you had a cerclage I think there are some scar tissues". She also proceeded to break my amniotic bag. As she inserted a stick like instrument and broke the bag, a gush of warm fluid came out and I could feel it. I asked the doctor whether the amniotic fluid is clear. I wanted to make sure that there was no meconium in it. Doctor showed Rajender the dripping fluid. He also confirmed that it was clear. That was a relief, "Anisha must  be fine", I  thought. The presence of meconium in amniotic fluid is one of the signs of fetal distress !

After that, from 2AM to 6 AM, I was left like that. There were no strong contractions, no pain. I wanted to sleep but Rajender has no place to lie down. I didn't want him to feel alone. So, we both were wide awake looking at Anisha's heartbeat in the monitor. Rajender was not happy with the breaking of amniotic bag. I have to explain him that it won't be a problem and Anisha will be fine. Even then he was not so convinced. 

After 6 AM, new set of doctors and midwives started to come. They started the process of delivering Anisha. There were two junior doctors, a head nurse or midwife and another nurse in the room. They removed the tocolytic. After removing the tocolytic I started to have contractions. To speed up the process they gave oxytocin (pitocin) too. After starting oxytocin drip, contractions started to come more frequently and stronger. The pressure that was building inside was so huge, it felt very, very uncomfortable. I didn't have pain because of anesthesia but I could clearly feel the pressure build up. Within few minutes of starting pitocin, Anisha's heartbeat started to fall rapidly. Rajender was so upset on seeing it. I could see his face loosing colour. He was in fear and there was enormous tension building up. Midwife asked me to change position and breathe deeply. They said that I must breath well to help Anisha get enough oxygen. They stopped pitocin quickly and gave a huge dose (bolus) of tocolytic intravenously which they have prepared already. As soon as the pitocin effect faded away by tocolytic's action, Anisha's heartbeat normalized. This happened few times before my body got used to pitocin.

After that everything happened pretty quickly. I was having the urge to push every few minutes. I had to learn how to push and the midwife who took charge of the situation was amazing. She was tall and strong. She told me how to push. Shifted people around me to different positions. Rajender was near my head. Everytime I wanted to push, he lifted my head and my back a little. One doctor and another midwife stood near each of my legs. When I pushed they held my leg bending it towards my chest so that it is easier for me to push efficiently. One other doctor had a cloth around my pelvic region. After everytime I pushed, she tightened the cloth so that Anisha doesn't move back inside. I think it took 8-9 pushes to bring Anisha out. After every push I was so tired. It was like running a marathon. During the entire pregnancy, I was lying down most of the time because of the fear of my cervix giving away. I didn't even walk a few meters continuosly. But, at that moment, I needed to use all my muscles and that too with enormous force. I was losing hope inside. I was thinking, "Will I be able to do this ? Won't they get me some help ? Can't they use something to suck Anisha out ?" When I was wondering like this, people around me were appreciating me. They said, " She is strong and so is her baby. She didn't even shed a drop of tear ". I thought, " I have never cried in my life for any physical pain or discomfort. Only emotional pain makes me to cry at the blink of an eye"

I should mention something else too eventhough it is a bit embarassing. When I was pushing hard, I pooped a little. It was so embarrassing ! The midwife  cleaned it immediately. I looked at her and said, "I am sorry". She looked straight into my eye and said, "Manju, never mind. This shows that you are pushing in the right way. Great going, I am very happy the way you are doing it". That took away my embarrassment. Those words gave me confidence and courage. I admired and appreciated her for being so professional, for helping me to feel good. 

Anisha's head was visible in my vaginal tract at one point and they asked me whether I want to feel her before she comes out. I was so afraid, I said I didn't want to. After few minutes, there was one more contraction coming, the pressure was building up. I gathered all my strength and pushed. That push brought Anisha to this world. She came out screaming. Oh, what a sweet voice it was, my daughter's ! Rajender broke out into tears, happy tears ! He gave  a kiss on my forehead. He has kissed me several times before - out of love, out of happiness, out of lust, just as a routine, but the kiss I received at that particular moment is very special. His kiss told me so many different things which words will not be able to express. It said, "Thank you" ! It said, "I love you". It said, "you mean a lot to me". It said, "I appreciate and respect you" ! The memory of that kiss will last through out my lifetime. 

And me - I was smiling ! I have thought about that moment so many times before and everytime I had cried. But in reality I was smiling. That horrible pelvic pressure was gone. So, I felt extremely relieved. I had a sense of achievement. I felt happy and relieved knowing Anisha is fine. After Anisha came out, before I could see her, I was asking doctor like a mad person whether Anisha is fine. The doctor asked me, "What was your worry all about ?" I told her, "I was worried about some genetic defect" She assured me that all is well. 

They wiped Anisha, weighed and measured her, brought her and kept her on my chest. That was my first meeting with my daughter, in person. I have seen her as a five day old embryo, I have seen her via ultrasounds but on January 13 th, 2015, exactly 250 days after she entered my uterus, I had  her in my arms as a fully formed tiny human; everything tiny, tiny - tiny fingers, tiny nose, teeny-tiny eyes, my tiny miracle ! I have longed for that moment for 7 long years. I have gone through excruciatingly painful times in search of my little bundle of joy. It felt so good to touch her, to kiss her. I was ecstatic. I was calling her with different endearment terms. She felt amazing. Anisha didn't appear as a strange person, she is not new for me. I wanted her, I knew her, I longed for her and I loved her, for years ! Finally, she is here.

After I spent some time with Anisha, the nurse took her away. I was lying down thinking when I can feed Anisha. The doctor said that she has to stitch my nether region as I had few tears. I believe I had 4 or 5 tears, a couple of which were second degree tears. As the doctor was working on my nether region to mend it,  I was busy sending Anisha's picture to my loved ones. Guess, to whom I sent Anisha's picture first ? Ofcourse to my Dr !

When everything was done, I was transferred to a new room where they brought Anisha to me. As soon as I kept my nipple near her mouth, she latched as if she was a pro on sucking. That was so surprising and amazing to look at! 

After 7 long years of struggle, after 7 IVFs, after 10 embryo transfers, after transferring 24 embryos which failed to become our live baby, Anisha came into our lives, she is our 25 th embryo. My pursuit for perpetuating my genes has changed the way I look at life forever. Infertility has broken me many a time, made me mad, made me fearful of life, it has given me enormous pain. On the other hand, it has made me strong, taught me perseverance, patience, resilience and humility. It has introduced me to people whose memories I will treasure forever. Infertility has also given me Anisha, without infertility Anisha wouldn't have been Anisha ! Anisha's mom wouldn't be the person who she is today.

Yesterday, Rajender was talking to Anisha. He was telling her, "Princy nana (nana is an endearment term, also known as father in Telugu language), why didn't you come to us for seven long years ? I and your amma (mother) were trying for you for a long, long time. You never came. Your sister and brother came but they left us inbetween. We were so sad. We even searched for you in adoption centers. You never came. And one fine day our princy nana came ! We went to Mumbai and brought you, do you know that ? You came because you understood that we were very sad. Your brother and sister left us so that you could come to us". He was telling like this to Anisha in childish terms, just to talk to her. The little one was smiling as if she understood everything. On hearing this my eyes teared up. I kept looking at the father and daughter with contentment. Atlast, I was able to give Rajender his yearning - a child with whom he could play with after coming from work ! Infertility has also given us a story of our lifetime which we will cherish forever !

Oh yeah! Thus Anisha came into this world, into our life. Thus my search for propagating my genes ended successfully and I sincerely wish you all lots of luck too  ! 

So, is this an end or a new beginning ? ;)

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Letters to my daughter

Dear Anisha,

As I type this letter, you are 2 months and 20 days old. I have given you a nice bath with an oil massage. You are wearing a white dress and sleeping peacefully. You look so beautiful, cherubic and I am deeply in love with you.

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