To cerclage or not to cerclage!

Before going into the topic let me clear one thing, I am pregnant only with a singleton and not with twins. Actually, I never said that I am carrying twins. When one of my blog readers asked whether it is possible to see two heart beats with a single embryo transfer, I explained that it is possible for a single embryo to split and form two babies. I did have two heart beats within me - one mine and one my little one's :) My apologies, it is just a small prank! :)

After the 7 week scan, (will include all the scan reports as separate post next week!) I had scans every week thereafter. The seven week scan was perfect. The doctor who did the scan noted multiple myomas (small fibroids) in the uterus, so I stopped the supplemental estrogen which I was taking. After every scan I was able to relax a couple of days. Then the worry starts again. After going through so many setbacks in my journey, my mind refused to believe that all will be well. The 8 week scan was perfect too. Dr.Malpani actually said it was an excellent report. It was wonderful to see how much an embryo could grow in a week. I didn't have much morning sickness. That made me nervous all the time. During the 9 week scan, I was actually shivering  lying on the table waiting for the scan. Rajender was too shocked to see that and so was the doctor who did the scan. I could breathe only after he said everything looks good. 

The time for NT scan came. I had my NT scan at 11w2d. All was fine; the doctor who did the scan said that I don't even need to have any blood tests. That was (NT scan) such an important milestone and we did feel a lot better.

After the NT scan, Dr. Malpani was asking in every of his mail when I was going to have a cerclage. Not only Dr, all my family members were on the pro-cerclage team. The only person who didn't want me to have a cerclage is my gynecologist. She is such a good doctor and I am very lucky to have found her. She is knowledgeable, kind, patient, compassionate and empathetic. She could understand her patients' fear and concerns and could make them feel comfortable and secure. She told me, "I think your cervical problem during previous pregnancy was due to carrying twins. Until this moment I don't find any problem with your cervix (It was 4cm at that point). I will check you every week. If there is some problem then we can think of a cerclage". At that moment, it sounded too good to me. Having a cerclage is not without any risk. The biggest risk is losing the pregnancy itself, although, the odds for such happening is miniscule when the cerclage is done during early pregnancy before any cervical changes occured (I will write a separate post on cervical incompetence and cervical cerclage later). Even though I liked my gynecologist's suggestion, my previous experience with incompetent cervix made me very paranoid. As the weeks progressed my mind was playing all as sorts of games with me. "What if the cervix just opens and my baby falls down!", this fear was not allowing me to have a normal life.  Dr. Malpani told me, "you will feel much better after having a cerclage, please go for it". In Germany, they don't do a cerclage before 15 weeks. I told my gynecologist that I want to have a cerclage and it will give me peace of mind. She talked to the head of the clinic regarding this, he was a very good surgeon. But, unfortunately at that time he was going on a holiday for 2 weeks. I went and saw another lady doctor in the clinic who did all my early scans with twins. She was so happy to see me. When I told her I was pregnant again, her eyes were shining with utmost joy. She got married recently and with so much happiness she shared with me the news that she was pregnant too. She immediately arranged for all the tests that has to done before having a cerclage. She suggested me a doctor too who is well experienced in performing cerclages. When I was about to leave she asked, "Manju can I give you a hug". I still could feel the warmth and kindness in that warm embrace. This world is full of kind people!

My gnecologist in the following week took a cervical swab and sent it to the microbiology lab. I was eagerly counting days to have the cerclage. The microbiology lab results came. The verdict was "The swab was positive for Staphylococcus Aureus".

Did they allow me to have a cerclage? My cerclage experience is another interesting, educative story. Stay tuned :)

I will never ever carry a baby

I need a surrogate. This is the only thought running in my mind after I lost my children. It was dark and cold in Germany. I was longing for the warmth of a little one.  All my post-pregnancy hormonal fluctuations made coping even more difficult. I was in tears and full of fear.  All I needed is a baby as quick as possible!

Immediately after losing our twins we decided to go back to India. I had my own fears about shifting to India but my hubby (Rajender) was very adamant. Rajender’s coping mechanism was very different than that of mine. He needed to keep quiet and be within himself. For me, I needed to talk all my fears to someone; I needed words, comforting words. Although few thoughtful friends dropped in some time, everyone had to look after their life too. I am very thankful for the ones who came with their little ones. Those were the times of solace for both of us, a little oasis in the horrible desert we were in. There are friends who never came. I understood them too. Many are even afraid to face us, didn’t know what to tell us. But the truth is, when someone is going through difficult time in their life, the best thing you can do is to spend some time with them. Your time and comforting words are the best gift you can give someone during such times.

As time went on, I saw the truth in Rajender’s words; staying back in Germany will only make the situation worse. We needed the warmth of sun. We needed our parents so badly. In India, the situation for our parents was not any better. They wanted to see us, wanted to keep us within their wings.  I would say, Rajender took the most appropriate decision and I followed him.

The only idea that was brewing in my mind is to use a surrogate. Not only that, I was so greedy and unreasonable too. You will understand that when I explain what I actually wanted. I was constantly pestering Rajender for surrogacy. I told him, if I get pregnant again and if I have to lose the baby, I will no more survive. I never intended these words as blackmail; it’s the way I felt. He tried a lot to make me see the situation in a better way. He asked me, in your quest for your baby, will you exploit another woman. I told him, I am not exploiting anyone, I am going to give money which they need and I will have my little one. He looked at me eye to eye and asked, ‘what is the guarantee that you will have a baby with surrogate?  What will we do if the surrogate loses her life in the process, although it is unlikely, there is no assurance that it will not happen.  If something like that happens how will we be able live with such a huge guilt?’ I was shocked. All I can do is to cry. But this didn’t deter my spirit of pursuing surrogacy. I saw so many blogs where surrogacy gave the couples their much needed baby. I was so adamant and crying every day. I had only one more soul who could help me decide – my Dr! I asked Dr. Malpani’s opinion. All he said was to wait until the grieving period ends. He said, ‘whatever you decide now may not be correct. I never tell anyone what to do.  It is your life and only you have to decide’. I had no mood to listen to his wise words; all I needed was a path in front of my eye, the path to a baby so that I can remain peaceful. At last seeing my pain and agony, Rajender told me: ‘Manju, you are the one who has to carry the baby. If I can carry the baby I would do so happily. I will leave the decision in your hands. Whatever you decide I will support you. If you think surrogacy is the best option for you let us pursue that’. I should have been happy with those words, right? But unfortunately not!  I wanted from Rajender one more thing too; I told him that I will never ever do ovarian stimulation again. I have no strength to go through that roller coaster. If the remaining two frozen embies do not stick to surrogate’s womb then we will opt for donor eggs. He was shocked beyond belief. He said, why you think so far. First let us transfer the two embies, and then let us decide. But, the adamant, greedy person within me was not satisfied. Rajender didn’t yield to my unreasonable demand. He told me clearly that, if those two embies do not stick, we will adopt. I am not against adoption; all I wanted is a baby to spend my time with when my maternal instincts are high. But I thought, if not my genes, why not I have at least Rajender’s genes in my child – I know how animal instinct rules us but I perceived the power of it!

                            ....... A new beginning, will update whenever possible :)