We met Rita for the first time

One day, in the clinic, we met Rita. I was excited to meet her. Rajender was a bit reluctant; I could see it in his eyes. When Shonali came and told us that Rita was waiting for us in a particular room, I became a bit nervous too. What should I talk to her; I haven't prepared anything in my mind. I was wondering how she will look in person! Will she look undernourished, sad, and mature-looking for her age? Somehow that is the image I had about her in my mind. I was even afraid to find a woman whom my heart will reject on the very first look. I am a very intuitive person and I normally develop an impression about someone on the very first look.  As I went closer to that room, I could hear my heartbeat in my ears very clearly, I was excited and nervous too. I eagerly opened the door to have a first look of the woman who will carry our child and I must say I felt very relieved.

The moment I looked at her all my anxiety vanished. There stood a younger-looking, healthy, humble, friendly woman with a warm smile. She looked just like my sister.  There is of course a tinge of anxiety in her eyes too. I held her hand to make her feel comfortable and to make myself less anxious too. I asked Shonali to stay in that room so that she could help us in communicating with Rita, I was not so confident about Rajender's Hindi language skills :) I asked Rita how she was, her family etc.., the normal conversation which could bring some ease between us.  I could understand Hindi, (thanks to Doordharshan, our only entertainment when I was young) so I was following what she was saying. After the initial introduction, she told us that she was sorry about what happened to our pregnancy. She said, 'I was careful enough but somehow it happened'. Before she finished those words her eyes were tearing up. I told Rajender, 'please tell her that it was not her fault. Such things happen to many early pregnancies and she was not responsible for what happened'. When saying this I saw Rajender's face for the first time after we entered that room. I could see that his face has softened. He told Rita what I told him. This conversation brought much more closeness between us. Rita's body language became much friendlier, her face appeared relaxed. She started to open up much more. She was talking about her children. She said that she was married at a younger age and her son was now 12 years old. Her daughter was around 8 years of age. She showed her family pictures which she had in her cell phone. They all looked so healthy and happy. Her eyes were beaming with pride and happiness. She said that her children go to English medium school. I asked her about her husband, whether he takes care of her well. I was trying to read her face. Definitely there was a genuine happiness and content when she said that her husband loves her so much. She paused for a moment. Her face showed some pain.  She lowered her head and said, my husband was doing business; we faced lots of loss in it. We need money now. That is why I decided to work as a surrogate. Even my mom doesn't know this (I was not happy with this statement!). She also said, 'I do not stay idle at home, I do work. I run a small canteen at home'. I could understand that she was feeling humiliated, wondering what I was thinking about her! I told her that she must be proud of herself for coming forward to support her family and help us too. I explained her how priceless is the help she will be doing for us. I told her why we needed surrogacy. I showed my children's picture to her, my 5 months old twins ( our children whom we lost at 20 weeks of pregnancy ), the ones whom I will love and cherish forever. I couldn't stop my tears. Those pictures are very personal ones but I thought I must share it with her, after all, it will tell her clearly about my inability, our situation. I could see her eyes getting wet too and her grip tightening around my hand. 

I gave her a saree which I brought for her and chocolates for her children. Rajender gave her some money and he was thanking her again and again. I could understand him. He was totally overwhelmed by that meeting. He said, ‘we are sorry that you have to go through this trouble because of us, sorry that you have to go through that miscarriage’. I was happy that he was empathetic enough to think about Rita's pain.  I was so proud of my husband as usual.

It was time for my scan. I had to leave. Rita gave me a very warm hug. She said, ' I like you both a lot, I will be very happy to carry your child. When I become pregnant again I promise that I will be extra careful. Do not worry '. She said, 'I wanted to meet you both. I was always asking Dr. Malpani when I could meet you and I am so happy now'.

When I and Rajender came out of that room we felt a lot more happy and confident. Dr was after all very correct in saying ' Manju, you must meet Rita and you will feel a lot better’ 

The day of embryo transfer came. On that day I was present in the clinic too and ...

Beginning of our 7th fresh IVF cycle

Every IVF cycle is like a roller-coaster ride – they are scary as well as exciting! As you get used to it, you will learn to enjoy the fun and suspense. Beware, it can be addictive too! I wonder whether women (including me) who go through IVF get addicted to the thrill of it.  I find no other sane explanation for going through it again and again. Of course, the urge to reproduce, to propagate one’s own genes, does play a major role in going through this insane IVF journey. Few months ago, I was so sure that, I will never go through a fresh cycle again. I was in so much pain and everything appeared scary. But, spending some time in India, in the warmth of loved ones was enough to get back the Manju I lost. Thinking of crossing the bridge was fearful, but when I came near it, I got the courage to do my best.

I wondered and wondered why I wanted to use donor eggs in the first place. There were several reasons. This IVF journey is eating up our normal life. All we are doing for several years is to wage war against infertility. I think, we forgot, how a normal life would be! On the other hand, I would rate our life as very interesting when compared to most other people. It is painful at times, but extremely challenging too. We learn a lot about life because of our infertility struggle. I thought, we have learned too much already (which is not too good too :), and I just want this struggle to end as quickly as possible in a pleasant manner, so that we can move on to the next stage of life. I am already 36, and one of my biggest fears is, the possibility of high risk of miscarriage and begetting a child with genetic defect when using my own eggs (although still the possibility of such happening is not extremely high!) I thought, if using donor eggs could reduce miscarriage rate and give us a higher change of having a healthy baby, why not go for it? Afterall, I and Rajender want a baby to make our life more interesting, we badly want to nurture our parenting instinct before it vanishes with age. You might ask why not adopt then, we tried. We did go to an adoption agency in Madurai (Grace Kennet foundation) to collect details. When we asked about international adoption, the response was, it will take many years. For domestic adoption, we have to live in India for a year and then we are eligible to apply for adoption. If we apply, it might take another couple of years to actually finalize the entire process! Rajender went with so much expectation and when we came out of the adoption agency I could see his forlorn expression. After we lost our twins, the longing to have a little one in our life as early as possible is very high for Rajender too.  He was able to quench his paternal instinct by the company of little ones in our family and immediate neighborhood.  

I started preparing for another ovarian stimulation. Dr. Malpani asked me to measure my AMH and AFC. Two and a half years before my AMH was 1.8 ng/ml. I was wondering what will it be now! When I started my IVF journey it was in between 4.5-3.5 ng/ml. One fine morning, I went with my mom to a nearby lab (Thyrocare) to give my blood for measuring AMH. I also asked them to measure my Vit D and TSH. I waited for the results anxiously.

I called Rajender and told him not to expect much out of this IVF cycle. I said, I am much older now and I have no idea how I will respond to stimulation. Perhaps, I might produce only a few eggs. Might be, we will not have enough embryos to grow to blastocyst stage. Who knows, I might not respond at all! I told him, be prepared for everything. He knows about me and how negative I could get. He thinks I am pessimistic, but I think I am cautiously optimistic and it helps me a lot to accept whatever comes my way.

Two days later my AMH results came. As I expected it was such a poor value. When I sent the results to Dr.Malpani, he sent me a sad smiley in return! My Vit D was 12 ng/ml and the normal range was 20 ng/ml (and this is after my skin enjoying lots of Indian sun!)

MY AMH WAS A MERE 0.6ng /ml :(

We faced our third miscarriage

There is no miracle to share. The scan after one week showed that there was no sac in Rita’s uterus. She started to bleed and our little embryo was gone. Our fourth ’maybe’ baby was no more. When I received mail from Dr. Malpani, regarding this, I felt numb. Dr has tried his level best to reveal the news in the most compassionate manner, I know it hurts him too. I just sat like that for some time. Although I expected this outcome from the previous scan result, it was still hard to face the reality. I lay down curled up trying to find some comfort. I couldn’t cry and didn’t want to. My mom was around. She is nearing her 60s. She might tolerate the miscarriage news but not her little one’s pain. My heart was crying and my mind was racing with so many thoughts. ‘What will I do next’ was the question inside me. This question is the one that keeps me going. I know well that, if I become stagnant, I will lose my life! My heart was bleeding; my last chance to have my genetic baby is gone; my blog’s title will not have any meaning anymore. I lay like that for 15 minutes trying to collect myself. I know that Rajender will be eagerly awaiting my phone call. I know that this news will cause him enormous pain. He is always more optimistic than I am and hence he is the person who undergoes enormous pain too. For me, the pain of what happened is less when compared to the pain I will undergo when I break this news to Rajender. To tell our loved ones that their dreams are no more valid is the hardest task. I collected all my strength and called him.

Every miscarriage is like unrequited love! You fall in love with a little embryo; you burn with desire to hold it in your hands happy and healthy after 9 months; you forget the entire world and the little one becomes your focus; you spin all your life’s dream around the little one; as time goes on you wouldn’t be able to imagine your life without him/her, you get addicted to the love of your life ; every cell in your body fills up with love; you are ready to give your life or do incredible things for him/her, but, one fine day, the little one is gone forever. You realize that you mean nothing to the little one who meant everything for you. You wonder what wrong you have done to get punished like this. You will have so many people around you yet you feel alone and abandoned. You were broken because you believed in your dreams. You might have been a fearless, independent person but now you are broken to pieces, an emotional wreck. You find life worthless. You long for a life you can never, ever get back – an angel which has left its footsteps in your heart and mind forever! You realize that how bad it could hurt to lose something which you never really had. It is a pain to love but to love in vain is even more painful.

"Love, unrequited, robs me of my rest. Love, hopeless love, my ardent soul encumbers, love, nightmare-like, lies heavy on my chest and weaves itself into my midnight slumbers."

                                                                                                          

                                                                                                                William S. Gilbert

But isn’t it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

For me, the miscarriage was painful, but, not as painful as it was when I lost my twins.  I somehow felt not so connected to this pregnancy; it doesn’t appear real at all. The reasons were twofold: we lost the pregnancy pretty early and I didn’t undergo any of the process to get pregnant. All I gave is money and some other women did everything for me! I wondered about Rita, I wouldn’t expect her to feel the pain of losing a ‘maybe baby’, but I am sure she had her own set of fears and worries. Poor thing, her first surrogacy experience ended in not so good way. She might be afraid that she will be blamed for the outcome. She might wonder whether she would be used as a surrogate mother at all! How painful will it be for her to lose the compensation she might have got? Will anyone even care to ease her worries and fear? 

I called my husband. I could imagine how anxiously he will be waiting for the call. For the first time I had tears. I collected all my strength and conveyed the message to him. There was silence at the other end for some time and then he said, ‘ok, what to do now, leave it!’ This is what all he said. I felt his pain. I tried to tell him not to worry; searched for some comforting words frantically. I wanted him nearby so badly, I wanted to hug him and cry aloud. We were three for 2 weeks now, but again we were back to being our usual self, only two! I thanked God – at least I am not alone!

After few minutes I asked Rajender what to do next! I am sure he would have been angry (I never, ever gave him enough time to grieve) but he kept his cool and asked me, ‘what you want to do?’ I said, ‘we will ask Dr to find an egg donor, please!’ I cried and said, I want to have at least your baby, a baby with your genes. After few seconds of silence he said, ‘Manju, can we please try one more time with your eggs?’ In that question, in that tone with which he asked me, I felt his love. I felt his eagerness to beget a child with me. I felt proud – he loves me, he wants me! I don’t know from where I got the courage and determination which I didn’t have until that moment. I said firmly, if that is what you want, I will be very happy to do it.  I sat down to write a mail to Dr. I asked him ‘When can I start another stimulation cycle?’ I received a reply pretty quickly and he said me something else too which I will reveal later!

Our surrogate is pregnant and meeting of two infertiles!

I am sure most of you would have guessed it correctly. Yes, Rita is pregnant! Dr. Malpani sent me a mail one fine day saying, ‘Congrats! Rita’s beta HCG is 721.72 mIU/ml’ (12dp5dt). We were at Hyderabad during that time; we were traveling to meet Rajender’s niece. When I showed the mail to Rajender, he felt so relieved. I could see his face calming down after that day’s tension about the outcome of the surrogacy cycle.  I felt so relieved too.  But we were not overjoyed or not even happy. We held each other’s hands and sat quietly. Neither of us talked anything about it. That day was quite beautiful, there was a relief yet both of us were aware that there were still numerous hurdles to cross! To be honest, I was a bit proud too, my decision was right after all! My last chance to have a genetic baby is still bright because of what I decided to do with my last two frozen embies. I thanked God!

I am pregnant and my little embryo is growing in a woman’s womb whom I have never met. We don’t even speak the same language! I am not sure what to do. Should we call her, will she feel comfortable? After a deep thought I decided not to call Rita. But again Dr. Malpani insisted that I must meet her. I could understand what Dr.Malpani is thinking. He wants Rita to feel comfortable about this pregnancy. If we meet her she will bond with us and also with the little seed that is growing in her. I understood this, but again I was thinking what if this pregnancy ends soon (I learned to be pessimistic in order to ward off horrible emotional pain). If I meet her now and if the pregnancy doesn’t progress well, I will be again in hell and I don’t know how long will it take for me to recover; I agree I was selfish!  The pain I went through few months ago was still raw and it is for Rajender too. I don’t want to travel to Mumbai, meet Rita and raise our hopes too high, too soon. So I decided to wait for 3 more months to meet Rita. I was totally unaware at that time that I will meet Rita very soon.

Rita’s HCG value appeared pretty high for me. I was wondering whether both my embies implanted! Even though I knew how dangerous a multiple pregnancy can be, my heart was longing for twins again. How nice it would be if both my children come back to me – this is what I thought! Everytime I do want my life to be a fairy tale with a happily ever after ending but my fate is otherwise! Our mind is the most wonderful time machine, our thoughts could take us anywhere in a fraction of a second. I was dreaming of twins; I was dreaming of meeting Rita; I was dreaming of receiving two healthy children in my hands; I was dreaming that one of the child is a boy and another a girl; I was even dreaming of bringing Rita and her family to our place to celebrate the birth of our children…Isn’t five minutes enough to dream a whole life?

The next day I left to Madurai without Rajender. That was our first time to be away from each other after 6 years of married life. I was happy that I will be spending time with my mom and I was unhappy too to leave a person with whom I share a bond which is not easy to explain. He has been everything in my life: my best friend and my worst enemy too at times, my mom, my dad, my guardian angel, my boss, my lover, my husband, my child, everything, everything! I told him 1000 times to be careful, to be safe. I was the one who pestered him to send me to Madurai but then I was angry too that he is sending me away. With tears in my eyes I waved him good bye in the airport. A very big fear gripped me, if something goes wrong with this pregnancy in the next few weeks, I wouldn’t have a shoulder to cry on nearby. But I also felt relieved that if something goes wrong I don’t have to see that hurt expression in my husband’s face, the expression, the pain which I hate to see in Rajender’s face! That is what that hurts me the most.

After a week I received the ultrasound report. There was only one sac in the uterus. But even before that, I guessed that it might only be a singleton. Rita’s second HCG doubled only 70% in 48h.  To be honest, I felt a bit unhappy. I felt deprived of something which I deserved. But I consoled my mind thinking that a singleton pregnancy is safe, it is easier for Rita too and all I need is a healthy baby in hand.

Time in Madurai moved very slowly. I avoided discussing with my mom about the pregnancy. She was careful too not to talk about it.  All my loved ones just behaved as if there is no such happening at all, the pain everyone went through has made them very cautious. Nobody was ready to acknowledge that pregnancy. On one such lazy day in Madurai I happened to meet my friend; she studied with me in college. First I saw her mom in the nearby farmer’s market. She was selling some of the produces from her farm. I enquired about my friend and she said that she doesn’t have children too. She said, ‘I will definitely ask ‘I’ to meet you’. One day my friend came to my home. She appeared as the same person as she was in college - bubbly, tralkative, laughing a lot. When she heard what happened to my twins her eyes were wet. She said, ‘Manju, you must have gone through hell. I am really sorry for what happened, do not worry, I will pray to God, you will have your children soon’. All the time I was watching her, she was not a bit sorry for herself. She genuinely felt my pain, worried for me, tried to comfort me.

I struggled for the right words to ask about her. She opened up. She said, ‘Manju, I have gone through very difficult times. We both had all the treatments that were possible.  As a result we lost everything. My mom was telling to call you since you gave her your phone number. I wanted to talk to you so badly but you know what, I don’t have enough balance in my SIM card to talk to you. This is our situation now. We have lost everything due to infertility treatment. The company my husband worked was also closed due to some reason. Now we both work far away from home. Being away from home town also helps us to escape from several uncomfortable questions we face here. I have heard so many hurtful words till now. All my siblings have children, when I go to some family functions it is very difficult to face people and their thoughtless comments.  Manju, I wanted to adopt my brother’s son after my sister-in-law died. In my home everyone was ready to give him for adoption but my in-laws didn’t agree. I have accepted my fate now. We will be without children, nobody will there for us during our old age. Time goes on very slowly. I stitch clothes and that helps to pass some time. There is a kind of emptiness always. The only solace is my husband; he takes care of me well; we just live for each other. If some stranger asks me about children, nowadays I say that they are staying with my mom and studying there’. She was telling all this with tears flowing down her cheeks and with a smile. We both were holding each other’s hand and crying silently. I had no words of wisdom to tell her. I understood she had ovarian failure. I even tried to coax her into using donor eggs. She just said that children are a closed chapter in her life. She said, ‘only now I am bit peaceful, please do not ask me to do anything more’. She left after sometime wishing me all well. I sat there confused and baffled, will I too end up like this!

My friend’s ordeal and the pain she is going through lingered in me for a long time afterwards. I compared my situation with hers. I felt grateful to be able to afford such treatment and for having very supportive loved ones around, but at the same time I wondered whether I am doing everything right. The question which always arises within me and which I try to keep suppressed came back with full force - am I going too far to have a baby? I consoled myself by saying, I am not doing anything immoral and I assured myself that I will do my best to Rita. This gave me some peace of mind. 

The 6^th week scan results came. I felt numb seeing that. I called Rajender and said not to keep his hopes high. I mailed Dr. Malpani, he agreed too that it is worrisome but he said, ‘let us hope for the best’. The scan report at 6 weeks read as below:

Gestation sac: 8.3mm =4.5 weeks

No fetal pole seen as yet

Chorionic reaction is poor

A bleed seen inferiorly, measuring 8x9 mm

Miracles do happen, now the question is – WILL IT HAPPEN FOR Manju?