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Friday, July 25, 2014

Our surrogate is pregnant and meeting of two infertiles!

I am sure most of you would have guessed it correctly. Yes, Rita is pregnant! Dr. Malpani sent me a mail one fine day saying, ‘Congrats! Rita’s beta HCG is 721.72 mIU/ml’ (12dp5dt). We were at Hyderabad during that time; we were traveling to meet Rajender’s niece. When I showed the mail to Rajender, he felt so relieved. I could see his face calming down after that day’s tension about the outcome of the surrogacy cycle.  I felt so relieved too.  But we were not overjoyed or not even happy. We held each other’s hands and sat quietly. Neither of us talked anything about it. That day was quite beautiful, there was a relief yet both of us were aware that there were still numerous hurdles to cross! To be honest, I was a bit proud too, my decision was right after all! My last chance to have a genetic baby is still bright because of what I decided to do with my last two frozen embies. I thanked God!

I am pregnant and my little embryo is growing in a woman’s womb whom I have never met. We don’t even speak the same language! I am not sure what to do. Should we call her, will she feel comfortable? After a deep thought I decided not to call Rita. But again Dr. Malpani insisted that I must meet her. I could understand what Dr.Malpani is thinking. He wants Rita to feel comfortable about this pregnancy. If we meet her she will bond with us and also with the little seed that is growing in her. I understood this, but again I was thinking what if this pregnancy ends soon (I learned to be pessimistic in order to ward off horrible emotional pain). If I meet her now and if the pregnancy doesn’t progress well, I will be again in hell and I don’t know how long will it take for me to recover; I agree I was selfish!  The pain I went through few months ago was still raw and it is for Rajender too. I don’t want to travel to Mumbai, meet Rita and raise our hopes too high, too soon. So I decided to wait for 3 more months to meet Rita. I was totally unaware at that time that I will meet Rita very soon.

Rita’s HCG value appeared pretty high for me. I was wondering whether both my embies implanted! Even though I knew how dangerous a multiple pregnancy can be, my heart was longing for twins again. How nice it would be if both my children come back to me – this is what I thought! Everytime I do want my life to be a fairy tale with a happily ever after ending but my fate is otherwise! Our mind is the most wonderful time machine, our thoughts could take us anywhere in a fraction of a second. I was dreaming of twins; I was dreaming of meeting Rita; I was dreaming of receiving two healthy children in my hands; I was dreaming that one of the child is a boy and another a girl; I was even dreaming of bringing Rita and her family to our place to celebrate the birth of our children…Isn’t five minutes enough to dream a whole life?

The next day I left to Madurai without Rajender. That was our first time to be away from each other after 6 years of married life. I was happy that I will be spending time with my mom and I was unhappy too to leave a person with whom I share a bond which is not easy to explain. He has been everything in my life: my best friend and my worst enemy too at times, my mom, my dad, my guardian angel, my boss, my lover, my husband, my child, everything, everything! I told him 1000 times to be careful, to be safe. I was the one who pestered him to send me to Madurai but then I was angry too that he is sending me away. With tears in my eyes I waved him good bye in the airport. A very big fear gripped me, if something goes wrong with this pregnancy in the next few weeks, I wouldn’t have a shoulder to cry on nearby. But I also felt relieved that if something goes wrong I don’t have to see that hurt expression in my husband’s face, the expression, the pain which I hate to see in Rajender’s face! That is what that hurts me the most.

After a week I received the ultrasound report. There was only one sac in the uterus. But even before that, I guessed that it might only be a singleton. Rita’s second HCG doubled only 70% in 48h.  To be honest, I felt a bit unhappy. I felt deprived of something which I deserved. But I consoled my mind thinking that a singleton pregnancy is safe, it is easier for Rita too and all I need is a healthy baby in hand.

Time in Madurai moved very slowly. I avoided discussing with my mom about the pregnancy. She was careful too not to talk about it.  All my loved ones just behaved as if there is no such happening at all, the pain everyone went through has made them very cautious. Nobody was ready to acknowledge that pregnancy. On one such lazy day in Madurai I happened to meet my friend; she studied with me in college. First I saw her mom in the nearby farmer’s market. She was selling some of the produces from her farm. I enquired about my friend and she said that she doesn’t have children too. She said, ‘I will definitely ask ‘I’ to meet you’. One day my friend came to my home. She appeared as the same person as she was in college - bubbly, tralkative, laughing a lot. When she heard what happened to my twins her eyes were wet. She said, ‘Manju, you must have gone through hell. I am really sorry for what happened, do not worry, I will pray to God, you will have your children soon’. All the time I was watching her, she was not a bit sorry for herself. She genuinely felt my pain, worried for me, tried to comfort me.

I struggled for the right words to ask about her. She opened up. She said, ‘Manju, I have gone through very difficult times. We both had all the treatments that were possible.  As a result we lost everything. My mom was telling to call you since you gave her your phone number. I wanted to talk to you so badly but you know what, I don’t have enough balance in my SIM card to talk to you. This is our situation now. We have lost everything due to infertility treatment. The company my husband worked was also closed due to some reason. Now we both work far away from home. Being away from home town also helps us to escape from several uncomfortable questions we face here. I have heard so many hurtful words till now. All my siblings have children, when I go to some family functions it is very difficult to face people and their thoughtless comments.  Manju, I wanted to adopt my brother’s son after my sister-in-law died. In my home everyone was ready to give him for adoption but my in-laws didn’t agree. I have accepted my fate now. We will be without children, nobody will there for us during our old age. Time goes on very slowly. I stitch clothes and that helps to pass some time. There is a kind of emptiness always. The only solace is my husband; he takes care of me well; we just live for each other. If some stranger asks me about children, nowadays I say that they are staying with my mom and studying there’. She was telling all this with tears flowing down her cheeks and with a smile. We both were holding each other’s hand and crying silently. I had no words of wisdom to tell her. I understood she had ovarian failure. I even tried to coax her into using donor eggs. She just said that children are a closed chapter in her life. She said, ‘only now I am bit peaceful, please do not ask me to do anything more’. She left after sometime wishing me all well. I sat there confused and baffled, will I too end up like this!

My friend’s ordeal and the pain she is going through lingered in me for a long time afterwards. I compared my situation with hers. I felt grateful to be able to afford such treatment and for having very supportive loved ones around, but at the same time I wondered whether I am doing everything right. The question which always arises within me and which I try to keep suppressed came back with full force - am I going too far to have a baby? I consoled myself by saying, I am not doing anything immoral and I assured myself that I will do my best to Rita. This gave me some peace of mind. 

The 6th week scan results came. I felt numb seeing that. I called Rajender and said not to keep his hopes high. I mailed Dr. Malpani, he agreed too that it is worrisome but he said, ‘let us hope for the best’. The scan report at 6 weeks read as below:

Gestation sac: 8.3mm =4.5 weeks

No fetal pole seen as yet

Chorionic reaction is poor

A bleed seen inferiorly, measuring 8x9 mm

Miracles do happen, now the question is – WILL IT HAPPEN FOR Manju?


  1. Praying for you and your family-- u know how hard the whole process is having been through it as well. Hugs


  2. God is able my dear Manju. Let's keep trusting him.XX

  3. Congrats!! I am so happy for you!

    1. Kandie, thank you so much !

      My hearty congratulations on your pregnancy. I tried to wish you but your blog comments section is a bit uncomfortable for me to use.

      You are already 34 weeks ! Time just flies by ! Will be eagerly waiting to see your LO.

  4. You must be feeling terrible, and lonely without your husband. Thinking of you.


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