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Monday, July 7, 2014

How do you deal with a friend's pregnancy ?

Recently I received a mail from one of my blog reader (I would proudly call her my friend now), she asked me, how I deal with a friend's pregnancy! My simple answer would be, by sharing her happiness. I can't imagine myself crying and fretting over someone's pregnancy. For me, it equals to insulting my soul, not respecting or loving myself. This question is a great chance to put in words what I think and how I deal with the pregnancy of people around me. Thanks V !

Dear V,

You write so beautifully. It would be nice if you write a blog, it will help many.

Yes, it was a very hard time. Losing our twins have changed the way we view life. Seeing the death of our most precious children and not able to do anything about it has taught many harsh realities of life. Although I have recovered a lot, still the fear of uncertainty is haunting me many a time. But V, time heals many things, so hopefully we are getting better and trying hard to face life with the same enthusiasm. We spent 6 months in India, the sun and the love from our relatives has helped us a lot. I want to believe that this suffering will make me better, but sometimes too much of hard time can make a person as hard as a rock so that nothing grows on it ( no positive emotions too ! ) I just pray God that he doesn't take me to that situation. 

V, so many women get pregnant everyday. Getting pregnant is such a natural thing which is unfortunately denied to us. We are humans and it is  very natural to feel hurt when we hear that someone close to us is pregnant. Have you watched children ? When there are two children and when you ignore one child and give a chocolate to the other, how will the neglected child feel ? The first reaction would be sorrow, a feeling of hurt ( the child cries ), when the crying is over there will be anger,  then it turns as jealousy,  then the child might fight with the other child for the chocolate, at the end it might even hit the other child and try to take away the chocolate by force. Children are not corrupted with anything ( they do not know good or bad ) , they just reflect the basic human mentality. We are grown ups, that's true, but we are humans.  There is nothing to feel guilty about how we feel about our friends pregnancy. This doesn't mean we are mean. We are not intending any harm to them. We just feel sorry for ourselves.

Now the question is, how long and how far we can nurture this feeling ? For me it is important to kill it in the beginning so that I feel comfortable and good about myself. I am not a child who has no control over his emotions . I know the consequences of negative emotions. If I grow it, it is going to affect me as well as the friendship. Above all, it is will make me to feel bad about myself. 

How do I deal with the pregnancy of a friend ? Nowadays it has become much easier. Might be I am much more mature than I was before. In the beginning when all our friends start getting pregnant, I used to ask my husband, whether it hurts. He used to give a very funny reply - when I am not responsible for that pregnancy why should I worry :) But nowadays I know it hurts him more. I tell him, every life is different and this is our life. If we do not have children and if we have to fight hard for that, there must be a reason to it. At least we have the money to take such costly treatments. There are so many who cannot afford treatment. More than everything, there so many other horrible sufferings in this world, we are spared of that. So we should be thankful for that.

I don't lie that I don't get hurt. But only for a moment ( my inability hurts ), then I do try to be genuinely happy for my friend. Since I have undergone so much to have a child, I know what a blessing it is. Instead of being sorry for myself, it is better to be happy for the pregnant woman. In that way I feel proud and good about myself. I appreciate myself :)

Once I was talking with my sister who has two cute boys, she is a gynaecologist too. I was telling how great motherhood is. She replied, even pigs give birth to so many children. I was dumbfounded by her reply. But when you think deeply, other than motherhood, it takes much more to be a woman, to be a human. Our society has hyped motherhood out of proportion. I don't think there is something to feel inferior if our reproductive system is defective. Only when we feel defective we get easily affected by other's pregnancy news. Just believe that your turn will come, even if it doesn't there are so many other ways to become a mom. Carrying alone doesn't make anyone a mom, caring does ! I sincerely wish, when you meet your friend you don't feel inferior or lose your real self and confidence. Hope what I wrote helps you in someway, I am not sure though :)



  1. Dear Manju, nice to see you back with your posts. We missed you.

    This post describes so aptly what I felt few days ago when I came to know about my younger sister's pregnancy. She is younger to me and got married much later than me.
    I couldn't stop crying when I came to know this and later I even fought with my husband. Later i felt the guilt for the way i behaved as i thought this may jinx her pregnancy. I had no courage to talk to her.
    I have failed 2 IVF cycles with total 4 transfers.

    1. Dear Anon,

      I understand you completely. Can I give you a warm hug ? (((Hugs)))

      Thanks for the warm welcome !

      I felt that I was more hurt when I heard my younger sister is pregnant than any of my friends pregnancy news. Might be I am much earlier in my journey at that time or might be of the simple fact that I always felt superior than her because I am the elder sister. When our sibling gets a gift and when we are neglected, it hurts more than if one of our friends receives a gift :-)

      You don't have to feel guilty. You are human. You will not jinx anything by your thoughts too. Can I suggest you something? Please call your sister, talk to her. Participate in her happiness. Wish her all well. If you are staying nearby go and give her a hug. After all she is your little sister with whom you shared everything. Eventhough pregnancy is a happy time, she will have her own fears. She would need someone to hold her hands and say all will be well. When you do so, believe me, all the heaviness and guilt in your heart will melt away. We are no more children or just animals who can keep our emotions raw, our emotions will not jinx anything for others but it will hurt us mentally which is not worth in anyway. After all this we have been going through we don't deserve that bitter feeling about ourselves.

      And believe me, when you see your sister's little one you will melt, your heart will melt like a chocolate. That's the most nicest feeling and after all the little one is your son or daughter too ! :)


  2. Thanks Manju!!
    I know you can understand me as you have been through similar situations and that's why i shared all this here. I was afraid when my sis got married that she might conceive before me. But when you are afraid of something and it happens, it makes you stronger. So, as of now, I am not worried of any thing as whatever i feared, has already passed. Its true that your siblings pregnancy bothers you more than your friends, specially if she is younger.
    currently she is with her in laws. she will be moving to my mothers place soon. Then i will surely call her. You are right,I have to learn to express my self. I should participate in her happiness. Since i have already passed the bad phase, I can now be happy in her happiness.
    Thanks again.

  3. I am fighting infertility for 6's so awkward and sometimes painful to be around pregnant women and attending baby showers... i realised the ugly side of my nature recently when my younger brother got married.... i start feeling bad if his wife's period gets delayed a little :(

    1. ((( hugs )))

      I understand you completely. I don't think that's something to be called as an ugly side of yours. You must remember that we are all humans with emotions. We don't need to have a Godly aura around us all the time. It will hurt and it's normal. We do come out of it successfully, wish the best for our loved ones. Whoelse is better than us? How many will be able to do that? Be kind to yourself my dear friend. I wish you lots of good luck! You will have your little one soon.

    2. Great. My IUI failed this month and I learnt that my brother's wife is pregnant ....I wish God gives me strength to go on....

    3. So as someone said, you have the chance to face and overcome your biggest fear :) Getting pregnant is not a competition, you will have your turn too.

  4. True Manju. I have started writing a blog.
    I have a question about IVF. The process of extracting follicles and depositing the fertilised eggs- is it done under general anaesthesia ?

    1. That's a great step forward - writing a blog! It helps a lot to vent your emotions so that you feel better. It is very therapeutic. I went through it. You write very good, from your heart. Shall I suggest you something? Try writing in a more positive way. If you fake it you will make it, you will become more positive.

      Egg harvest is done under anesthesia. Embryo transfer doesn't need anesthesia in 99% of cases.

    2. Thanks.. Will natural conception be possible after IVF, just in case? or do all the injections change the natural ovulatory process ?

    3. Yes, natural conception is possible. IVF meds don't affect the natural ovulatory process.

    4. Yes, natural conception is possible. IVF meds do not affect the natural ovulatory process.

    5. thank u...last month i underwent a polypectomy, hysteroscopy and D&C. this month I am trying IUI again.


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