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Thursday, July 10, 2014

India and the decision regarding surrogacy!

We landed in India on December 31st, 2013. We slept so well that night in the comfort of our homeland and relatives. We have accumulated a huge sleep debt. We lost our little ones on November 5th, 2013 or I would rather prefer to say, our twins were born on November 5th, 2013. From that day on wards our life changed completely.  We rarely had a good sleep after that. The last few days in Germany were too hectic too - getting relieved from work; vacating our home; selling our car; saying bye to friends…there was so much to do! I was so proud of Rajender. He stood strong the entire time. After so many years of hesitation and planning (it is hard to find money amidst infertility treatment expenses!) he brought his car. He enjoyed driving it so much. He took care of his car like a child. On the day when he sold it and returned home, I asked him whether it hurts. He replied, ‘nothing is more painful than losing my children’. I wanted to tell you all this because I realized a very naked truth – life can change upside down in a moment. Nothing is permanent, nothing! Life is too unpredictable. I think, if we realize this, we will learn to live a better life, enjoying every moment. Until 2013 we both were working, we had not one but two children (a boy and a girl) who were the result of many years of emotionally, financially and physically draining infertility treatment; we were planning to move into a bigger home, even gave advance for it and suddenly we were ripped-off everything.  You can call it 'bad karma' or simply 'bad luck' but I would prefer to call it 'LIFE' - there is nothing good or bad in it. I believe that life has a beginning and an end and everything in between is just a continuum. There are no happy endings or sad endings; good or bad in whatever happens - there is only 'LIFE'!

We woke up in India on January 1st, 2014. The first thought I had when I opened my eyes was: we no more have a nest of our own! To be very honest, it was very scary, but only for a moment. When I came out and stood in the balcony, bright,warm sun light hit my face (nothing is as healing as SUN). The smell of Indian breakfast hit my nostrils. I could see my sister-in-law with a warm smile. All my insecurity vanished immediately. I happily got ready to enjoy my time in India.

We went to Rajender’s place first. His native is a village, a very remote village in India. People who live there are so innocent, warm and friendly. Everyday so many women came to visit us. They cried hearing what happened, said so many comforting words, they told me stories of  many women who had children after going through many miscarriages. I no more felt alone. Everyone told us how our mother and father in-law suffered during the time when we lost our twins. They said, your mother-in-law cried for days together, almost all the time. I looked at my mother-in-law; she looked at me with utmost warmth and I thanked God for keeping me amongst such affectionate people. One of Rajender’s relative, a very old woman, came to see us. She didn’t have children. She lost her eyesight recently too. She sat near me with tears in her eyes. Her hands were trying to feel mine. She pulled me close to her and gave a warm kiss. I felt safe, very safe after many months! I felt appreciated for the suffering I underwent.

I waited patiently for a week, yes one long week for Rajender’s words regarding surrogacy. Then I asked him, when we can start the process. He said, first we have to tell my parents. I was angry, felt somehow humiliated. Why would you want to tell them? Until now we never explained them anything and why now! My most important fear was, why to make them go through the roller coaster which we are going through, aren’t they too naive to understand all that? My in-laws would never interfere in our life; eventhough they are not so educated and live in a remote village they clearly know their limits. Rajender looked at me angrily and asked, are you out of your senses, will you just bring a baby out of nowhere and tell them that it is ours! True, I didn’t even think about it. He said, look at them: there were lots of village women, his relatives, who were sitting and chatting with my mother-in-law. Rajender said, only when we entered this infertility journey I came to know what surrogacy means!  How to explain my parents and relatives who are scientifically ignorant, what surrogacy is ! If  you can, try and do it! Rajender’s face was full of confusion. I was taken aback.

How did we make Rajender’s parents understand what surrogacy is, was it that difficult ? Keep reading :)


  1. Tears are rolling down my face as I read your post. I'm glad you have supportive in-laws and relatives to empathize with you during this difficult time. You are right about life being unpredictable, and that everything can turn upside down in a moment. We have to accept that life is a bumpy road and the challenges and suffering never ends - maybe only when we die, but who knows what will happen after that.

    I support your decision regarding surrogacy. Being a mother is not just about being pregnant - that is only a very, very small part of motherhood. What happens after that defines the true meaning of motherhood. From your posts, I think that you have the right personality and values to be a great mother, and you have so much to offer to a baby, whether he/she is adopted or born through surrogacy. You are patient and understanding, and definitely very strong after all the hardship you have been through.

    1. Ariel, happy to hear from you. I hope you feel much better now. Wish you lots of good luck ! May you have a very happy life ahead !

      True when suffering ends, life ends too ! :)

      Thanks for all the kind words ! I wish I could be a good mother !

  2. Manju, you are keeping me in great suspense!! I'm hoping to hear that you've started the surrogacy process in January and is expecting a baby (or two) in a few months :) Good luck to you!

    1. Jules :)

      A smile is all that I can give you now.

  3. A peculiar problem, explaining what surrogacy is. Is there an abbreviated way to explain it? Something like: "We used medical technology to put our baby into someone else so that it could grow." Getting bogged down with terms like "gametes" and "DNA" etc. etc. might just be too cumbersome an explanation.

    Come to think of it, teaching even my college students about concepts like egg donors and surrogacy struck a lot of them as very bizarre and strange. I imagine it would be even more alien to people living an agrarian lifestyle.


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