I will never ever carry a baby

I need a surrogate. This is the only thought running in my mind after I lost my children. It was dark and cold in Germany. I was longing for the warmth of a little one.  All my post-pregnancy hormonal fluctuations made coping even more difficult. I was in tears and full of fear.  All I needed is a baby as quick as possible!

Immediately after losing our twins we decided to go back to India. I had my own fears about shifting to India but my hubby (Rajender) was very adamant. Rajender’s coping mechanism was very different than that of mine. He needed to keep quiet and be within himself. For me, I needed to talk all my fears to someone; I needed words, comforting words. Although few thoughtful friends dropped in some time, everyone had to look after their life too. I am very thankful for the ones who came with their little ones. Those were the times of solace for both of us, a little oasis in the horrible desert we were in. There are friends who never came. I understood them too. Many are even afraid to face us, didn’t know what to tell us. But the truth is, when someone is going through difficult time in their life, the best thing you can do is to spend some time with them. Your time and comforting words are the best gift you can give someone during such times.

As time went on, I saw the truth in Rajender’s words; staying back in Germany will only make the situation worse. We needed the warmth of sun. We needed our parents so badly. In India, the situation for our parents was not any better. They wanted to see us, wanted to keep us within their wings.  I would say, Rajender took the most appropriate decision and I followed him.

The only idea that was brewing in my mind is to use a surrogate. Not only that, I was so greedy and unreasonable too. You will understand that when I explain what I actually wanted. I was constantly pestering Rajender for surrogacy. I told him, if I get pregnant again and if I have to lose the baby, I will no more survive. I never intended these words as blackmail; it’s the way I felt. He tried a lot to make me see the situation in a better way. He asked me, in your quest for your baby, will you exploit another woman. I told him, I am not exploiting anyone, I am going to give money which they need and I will have my little one. He looked at me eye to eye and asked, ‘what is the guarantee that you will have a baby with surrogate?  What will we do if the surrogate loses her life in the process, although it is unlikely, there is no assurance that it will not happen.  If something like that happens how will we be able live with such a huge guilt?’ I was shocked. All I can do is to cry. But this didn’t deter my spirit of pursuing surrogacy. I saw so many blogs where surrogacy gave the couples their much needed baby. I was so adamant and crying every day. I had only one more soul who could help me decide – my Dr! I asked Dr. Malpani’s opinion. All he said was to wait until the grieving period ends. He said, ‘whatever you decide now may not be correct. I never tell anyone what to do.  It is your life and only you have to decide’. I had no mood to listen to his wise words; all I needed was a path in front of my eye, the path to a baby so that I can remain peaceful. At last seeing my pain and agony, Rajender told me: ‘Manju, you are the one who has to carry the baby. If I can carry the baby I would do so happily. I will leave the decision in your hands. Whatever you decide I will support you. If you think surrogacy is the best option for you let us pursue that’. I should have been happy with those words, right? But unfortunately not!  I wanted from Rajender one more thing too; I told him that I will never ever do ovarian stimulation again. I have no strength to go through that roller coaster. If the remaining two frozen embies do not stick to surrogate’s womb then we will opt for donor eggs. He was shocked beyond belief. He said, why you think so far. First let us transfer the two embies, and then let us decide. But, the adamant, greedy person within me was not satisfied. Rajender didn’t yield to my unreasonable demand. He told me clearly that, if those two embies do not stick, we will adopt. I am not against adoption; all I wanted is a baby to spend my time with when my maternal instincts are high. But I thought, if not my genes, why not I have at least Rajender’s genes in my child – I know how animal instinct rules us but I perceived the power of it!

                            ....... A new beginning, will update whenever possible :)