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Thursday, October 16, 2014

The Horrible 3WW and A New Beginning



Even the most difficult times of our life will be strewn with happiness. That was the case with my 3WW. I am thankful that I had the heart to enjoy those happiness amidst that horrible uncertainty. During 2WW, I was praying to God, "Please let it be a positive so that I can stay with my mom for some more time". I was away from her for 10 years. Every year, or sometimes once in two years, I got to spend only a couple of weeks with her. I feel guilty that she is alone with my very old grandfather. She herself is getting old. If the pregnancy test had been negative I wouldn't have been able to extend my stay in Madurai. I have to go with Rajender. I was away from him for more than a month and already every of his relatives were asking him when I would be back. My mother-in-law was too worried too that we were staying apart. So, when I got a positive, my joy knew no bounds. I had a valid reason to stay back.

The other reason for my happiness was our cats. We always had pets in our home. We had a peacock (actually a peahen), parrots, squirrels, rabbits, dog and even a wounded crow as pets. Actually, I was gifted to grow up with pets. Pets can teach young children many important life's lessons. They did teach me how to be caring towards the weak, to be compassionate, empathetic; they did teach me unconditional love and thus polished my nurturing skills. They not only taught me about life but about death too. Death of our pets did bring in lots of sadness and pain, but, those experiences were invaluable lessons which taught me how to grieve for the loss and get over it. It introduced me to the concept of death at a very young age and made me realize that death is an inevitable part of life. I think because of such valuable lesson I learned so early in life, I managed to get over many other losses in my life in a better way.

I must say I grew up with cats. There will be several cats running here and there in our home at any time of the year. When I left for Mumbai, for treatment, two of our pregnant cats have given birth. Oh, what a joy it was to see those tiny creatures! There were altogether 7 kittens. The most beautiful part about kittens was to observe them play when they grow a bit. When you watch those tiny bundles of joy you would forget all the adversities. Because of the 3WW I got the chance to be with them longer, to see them grow and to enjoy their playfulness and naughtiness to my heart’s content after a long, long time.

Rajender on the other hand was not used to pets as I was. He is afraid of them, or, the more apt expression would be, he is not comfortable with them. He thinks that they carry harmful germs. When he married me and came to our home, he was shocked to see cats roaming everywhere. And, he was more shocked by the way I play with them. He made sure that they don't come near him. If at all our cats wanted to be friendly with him and came near him, instead of shooing them away he would move away from that place quietly. This obviously increased our cats love and respect for him. The more he tried to be away from them, the more the cats grew fonder of him and wanted to get closer to him. They showed their love in so many ways. They used to cajole him by friendly brushing their body against his legs, (which made him keep his legs lifted away from the ground when he was sitting on the sofa :) or sometimes, when everyone of us were watching TV, the cats wanted to climb only to his lap and to no one else's :) When we were newlywed, one fine morning, I got up early and went to the kitchen to help my mom. I left the bedroom door open. I and my mom were chatting and suddenly we heard my dear husband's distress call, " Manju, Manju, where are you!" My mom was too worried. She said. "Go and see Manju, he sounds very disturbed". I ran to the room. On the cot, at one end, my dear husband was sitting with lots of sleep still in his eyes and I could see some fear too. On the other end of the cot one of our sweet little cats was sitting and watching Rajender interestingly and naughtily. I would never forget that scene. On seeing that, I broke into laughter. Rajender said, “I was sleeping and it came and laid between my legs"  He said, "It is not going away, I had to get up, please take this away". Our cat wanted some warmth during that December month's early morning. It usually finds some comfy place in between my mom's legs when she was sleeping. With the same expectation it went to Rajender. I removed the cat and came out. From then on until now, Rajender reminds me when I come out of the room in the morning, " Manju, please close the door" :)

One other thing I learned from our cats is the joy of motherhood. I have been seeing our cats get pregnant and giving birth from a very tender age. I have seen and felt a pregnant cat’s tummy so many times. It is a joy to feel the little ones from outside. When I keep my hand on a very pregnant cat’s tummy, I could feel the head of the little ones rolling inside. When they move, you get a tickling sensation in the palm, I used to enjoy it and would count how many heads are there inside. After giving birth the mother cat turns into a bundle of love. It purrs gently (the purring actually sounds like a little motor running inside its body) and feeds its young ones dutifully. I have even helped our cat birth its little one - worked as a midwife for it! It was such an experience to see it give birth. I have not only shared their happy motherhood times but also have seen them grieve the loss of their little ones. The greatest enemy for new born cats is a male cat, even its own father. If the male cat finds the place where the little ones are, it just bites and kills them. It is of course horrible! The reason why it behaves so is, if the little ones are no more, the female cat reaches its estrous cycle soon due to the lack of feeding period and gets ready for the next copulation! The plight of the female cat that lost its children is not any less than that of human. It cries and cries for days. It will keep on roaming around the place where the little ones were kept. Whenever it hears a mewing kitten somewhere it gets paranoid and runs around to see whether it is her children. Like every living being, it gets over its grief gradually, comes to an acceptance, and moves on!

I spent my 3WW with my mom and our cats. I ate very well, enjoyed all the native delicasies and my mom's cooking. I vomited very rarely. When compared to my pregnancy with twins it was a cake walk. I didn't have smell sensitivity, no constipation, there was no constant nausea, foods and its smell didn't turn me off. The more I felt better, more I was getting depressed. The only consistent symptom I had was gagging when brushing teeth.  When I get very paranoid I would take my brush and attempt to brush my teeth any time of the day :) My mom would look at me very surprisingly and with worry!

I literally tortured Rajender. I would call him and ask where he is. Whatever he says was enough to trigger my self-pity and anger. If he says he was with his friends or with his niece watching a movie, I got so irritated. I would cry, tell him all nasty things. I would say, "Here I am struggling every moment with uncertainty and fear, you left me to deal with all this alone and you are enjoying there", this was my constant accusation.  He would say, "I asked you several times whether I must stay back and you said I can leave. I will come back now". My mom on watching this got very angry one day. She said, “This is very unfair. You only asked him to go, I heard it myself, why are you now torturing him?” She would murmur, “It is not your fault, it is his fault. He has pampered you so much". I got so furious and told her, “When I have the heart to think about his happiness, his comfort, won't he think about me? It is his child too and how can he even come and ask me whether he could go? If he wanted to go, should I plead him to stay back?  I will never do that. That's why I asked him to leave". My mom had nothing more to say. She understood I was very disturbed and let me be the way I was. Not only with Rajender, to many of my loved ones I showed my anger and frustration. They understood me, forgave me. This is the reason why it is important to be with your mom during IVF times and not with your in-laws. If I have behaved the same with my in-laws our relationship would have definitely got strained. I also realized something after this incident between us, in any relationship compromise and sacrifice will not do any good. Make sure that you remain happy first. Only a happy person can keep others happy too!

At last, the day of ultrasound came. As the time got nearer I became surprisingly calmer. I prepared myself for the worst. I told Rajender that he must be strong. He said, "We have done our best, nothing more is in our hands, whatever is the outcome, please don’t worry". I told Dr that I will not mail him if there is no heart beat. He replied, “I will be praying and awaiting your mail". Before I entered the ultrasound room I looked at my mom. I was breaking down inside. I thought, “Whatelse and all she has to endure because of me!" I told her, "Amma, you must be brave. Even if there is no heart beat you must not worry too much, I will not worry too". I entered the room when my turn came. I felt I was carrying so many people's expectations, my heart was heavy. That was the first time in our 7 years of infertility history I was going to have a scan without Rajender. He was always with me for hundreds of scan I had before.

In the scanning room there stood the same lady doctor who measured my antral follicles. I gave her the necessary information. They first did an abdominal scan. Then they asked me to move to the other part of the room where they will do the vaginal scan. I looked at her and asked eagerly, "Is there a heart beat?" She said, “I have to look vaginally". There was a big screen in front of me and I could see the live scan picture on it lying down. I closed my eyes. My heart was beating so fast. The picture got clearer on the screen as the doctor focused on my little one and......

"THERE ARE TWO HEARTS BEATING INSIDE ME" :)

57 comments:

  1. So happy for you Manju! Good Luck & God Bless! I understand your frustration with your husband. I do the same with my husband for no reason :)

    Praying for a happy and healthy pregnancy. Take care dear.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wonderful Manju!. Congratulations. I bursted into tears out of happiness for u. Is this scan after completing 7 weeks?. May god bless u with all the happiness that u really deserve. Lots of good luck and take care.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Congratulations Manju!
    Would you like to reveal how many weeks of pregnancy you have completed until now?
    May you have a healthy pregnancy.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Very nice Manju!! so happy for you!! May God bless the 3 of you!! Take care!! All would be well!! - Sreedevi

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  5. Congratulations Manju!. Very happy for u. One thing i didnt get still. You got one embryo transferred right?. Then how 2 implanted?. However it Is, im very happy to read this. God bless u.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So cute :)
      Do you know that a single embryo could split forming two babies ? :)

      Delete
    2. :-). Thats really nice. In such a case, ur twins would be identical?. Oh that would be really sweet to see :-). Would wait to see ur baby pics.

      Delete
  6. OMG Manju sending you a big big hug. Keep staying positive. With much love - MM

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  7. Wow! That's wonderful Manju. Congratulations. Wishing you a healthy pregnancy! Even i was wondering how you had two heartbeats.. then I read and reread the last line and thought - one is yours and the other is your dear little one's :-). God bless you and your little one (s) .. Love, Anjani.

    ReplyDelete
  8. So happy for you. Take care Manju.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hi Manju,

    Today i was checking with my nurse on the grading of embryos. This is what she said. Can you please help me to interpret this?

    1. D5 - 3DB
    2 D5 3BA
    3. D5 2/3C
    4. D6 4AB
    5. D5 4BB

    Which one would be suggested for transfer? When you have few mins please let me know.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. http://www.acfs2000.com/ivfservices/ivf-gradingIVFembryos.html

      This link explains it all ! I would select 4AB, that is the one with good inner cell mass and a decent trophoectoderm. Inner cell mass is the one which forms the baby, trophoectoderm gives rise to placenta.

      Delete
  10. Thank You Manju! The next good ones would be 4BB and 3BA right?

    ReplyDelete
  11. My nurse said today the quality is not that great. Totally depressed and clueless Can one of you please suggest me how can i have a plan B?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Get the pictures of embryos please! If possible do send it to me. manjupadmasekar@yahoo. com.

      Poor quality embryos doesn't mean all is over. Poor looking embryos do give rise to healthy babies. Having so many bblastocys is a good thing. How old are you?

      Delete
    2. Thank you Manju! CCRM doesn't suggest to have embryos. They will show me the embryos through microscope.

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    3. I am 34 years Manju.

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    4. Didn't you opt for CCS ? What is the reason for IVF? I wouldn't worry much, good luck!

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    5. Hi Manju...i didnt opt for CCS. We are doing IVF due to male factor. Take care of yourself.

      Delete
    6. Hello Anonymous, I am also going to do IVF at CCRM in Dec or Jan. I had 1 failed fresh IVF and i failed FET. We too have Male fector problem so we have to use his frozen sperms for other IVF too. Would you mind sharing your experience with CCRM? Who is your doc? Mine is Dr. Menjarez.

      Delete
    7. Hello

      CCRM is one of the US best clinics. They are said to have a very good lab. I am consulting Dr Schoolcraft.

      Where was your first IVF done? Good Luck!

      Delete
  12. Ah, wonderful news! A cautious congratulations! Make sure you get that cerclage, too!

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  13. Wow! Manju! I am so delighted to know this! All the bestest to you!! Again I have to say, please take the utmost care of yourself now that you are not one but three!! All my love, Nio.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Dear manju, is it ok to take medicine for throat pain n cold during early pregnancy?. Will it have any side effects?.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Paracetamol, antibiotics, benadryl should be OK. Please talk to your doctor and follow his suggestions.

      Delete
  15. I knew it :) Please reveal how many months are you now?!! I am sure many weeks have passed since this 3ww :))

    God bless you Manju! So deserve this happiness and so much more in your life! Stay blessed always.

    Neha

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  16. Congratulations Manju! I'm guessing from what I know of your timeline that you have to be pretty close to term at this point...really happy for you. Enjoy motherhood, you have really, really earned your happy ending in a way few people have had to.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jay, many thanks ! :)

      I think you have gone too far and all your imaginations scares me. But I really, really wish all your good wishes come true.

      Delete
  17. Dear Manju, God is great. I was thinking how can god be so cruel taking away ur twins earlier. He made sure that in spite of ur single transfer he is returning ur twins. May u have a very healthy pregnancy n healthy babies dear. Its our good deed that helps us. U have been a great help to many infertile patients. You are a wonderful couple. God bless u guys.

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  18. Manju, i am so happy to read your news- twins! Wow, congratulations. Best wishes to you on a happy and successful pregnancy. Sal

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  19. Wow Manju, this is awesome. I have been very down, but this literally got me on my feet. Congrats. Check your inbox

    ReplyDelete
  20. Hi Manju!
    You have always mentioned in your posts that resting after ivf transfer doesn't alter the outcomes.
    Then why have you been away from your job and staying at your mom's place?
    Do you think this change has resulted in your result being positive this time?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. After the loss of twins, we went to India for 6 months, unable to bear the loneliness and depression. That's why I am at my mom's place :) And, ofcourse I didn't work, but, I had a normal active life. You must remember that when I conceived twins I was working all the time :) I tell again, resting after IVF transfer, especially bed rest, can harm you. Stress has nothing to do with conception. If your embryo is healthy and endometrium is receptive, your embryo will implant irrespective of any other external influence or stress. But, if you believe that having a normal life prevents IVF pregnancy, then do as your heart says. Because if you do not get pregnant, you will blame yourself!

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  21. No manju I don't believe that resting makes any difference to outcome.
    But the people around me pressurized me during the transfer to take complete bed rest. And one of my colleague who took 3 months off from office conceived via ivf and will deliver in December

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bed rest is very bad, it can even lead to IVF failure and there are scientific publications regarding this. Slow down but don't lie down all the time.

      Work stress will not cause IVF to fail. But, it won't hurt to take off from office Work and give some happy time for yourself. On the other hand, you must decide where you feel happy. Some women when they sit at home, feel alone and paranoid. Please do not leave you job for anything! Once you conceive and you have to be in bed rest, that is a different story. But, leaving the job and not conceiving too can put enormous stress on you, especially if your financial situation is not so good. Weigh the pros and cons and then decide!

      Delete
  22. I can not leave my job for anything, Manju. It is the reason for my confidence. Fortunately, I work forva state government run company and getting leaves is never a problem.
    All the best for your pregnancy. Your guidance is always appreciated.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. (((Hugs))) All will be well. I understand you completely. By not leaving your job you are not hurting your chance of success. Good luck!

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  23. Manju...waiting to know on the progress from your side...take care

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  24. Hi Manju,
    Reading your story was so exciting. Like a movie. Alls well that ends well. All the best for a great successful pregnancy.
    I'm currently in the 2ww after my IVF. 10 days post transfer of 3 day embryo. I'm having running nose and sneezing for the last 2 days. Very very scared if it will affect this cycle. I generally take cetrizine for sneezing. Is it safe to take it during the 2ww?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks!

      Sneezing and running nose will not harm anything. Your embryo will be fine within your uterus. My sincere wishes for getting a positive.

      Cetrzine will not harm. If you feel miserable, you can take. But, if I were you I will try to avoid it as much as possible. Please talk to your doctor and follow his suggestion!

      Delete
  25. So so happy for you my dear Manju. Congratulations!!! I'll email you later.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Dear Manju akka,
    Priya here..
    Really happy for you.. God bless :):)

    I am on 6 weeks 4 days now.
    I had some brownish colour spotting/bleeding on Saturday!
    Got admitted in the hospital. Did scanning.
    My twin babies are okay it seems. Started heartbeat too.
    Drs could not find any internal bleeding.

    But bleeding comes on an off. Even that proge. Gel discharge is brownish.

    Is there anything scary ? I am really worried !

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't worry. I had bleeding with twin pregnancy too. It will not harm your little ones. The reason for bleeding couldn't be traced out in my case too. Sometimes crinone could irritate the cervix. Can you ask for Susten instead of crinone? You don't have to worry now. But make sure your doctor measures your cervix from week 15 onwards. Ask for vaginal measurement of cervix. Sometimes such early bleeding can weaken the cervix leading to cervical incompetence.

      Delete
  27. that is wonderful news Manju. I was waiting for your good news so long. It really feels great after knowing that you are going to have twins:)

    ReplyDelete
  28. Hi Manju

    Hope you are doing good and in best health.
    CCRM provides an option to do accupuncture pre-post transfer procedure.
    They mention it is to reduce stress. Can you or anybody here suggest whether it makes a difference?

    I m thinking tht i dont want to disturb my body at the last minute.
    Any inputs or comments? Please let me know

    ReplyDelete
  29. Hi Manju

    I had SET done in CCRM. D5 3BA embryo transferred. I didnt opt for acupuncture. My beta test came positive. First beta 140 Second beta 327.

    Wanted to let you know. Hope all is well at your side. Take care of health.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Congratulations! :) That's really so good to hear. May you have a very happy and healthy pregnancy! All will be well :) Take care!

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    2. Thank You Manju! Have my ultrasound on 6w4d. Hope it all goes good.

      Take care of yourself!

      Delete
    3. Hi Manju

      Need a suggestion. Sometime in 2013 looks like CCRM did ANA test on me and it had come positive. I had reminded them related to this test after getting pregnant. They are now prescribing me to start on Lovenox injection. Looks that is a blood thinner. Can you please let me know your input on this?

      Delete
    4. I don't find any connection between ANA and blood clothing problems. I am not sure why they are prescribing lovenox for it!

      Delete
    5. Not sure Manju...i m planning to start though. .as RE says...

      So how are things with you? Take care dear

      Delete
  30. Hi Manju,
    How are you doing. ?
    I know questions at this stage of pregnancy can cause discomfort to you but could you please tell what was your endometrial thickness for this success transfer?
    Sorry for any trouble. .
    Good luck and stay healthy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am fine, thank you! My endometrial thickness was 7 mm. No problem :)

      Delete

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