Pregnancy loss after infertility - what to say and what not to say!

http://atchuup.com/washoe-amazing-story/

When I lost my children, I got whole lot of different reactions from different people. There were people who cried with me, who shared my grief. There were people who said that they were sorry. There were people who said that it was a very unlucky happening. There were people who said that I must try to move on. There were people who said that they thought doctors will save at least one of our babies. There were people who asked, "Why it happened so?" I did understand their curiosity and tried to explain them about incompetent cervix and carrying twins. Even after that, there were people who exclaimed, "Many women carry twins and even more, without any problem!" I really had no answer for them than to cringe about my inability. There were people who asked, "what kind of bad karma have you accumulated, so many peoples' prayers didn't help you!" There were people who even said, "Manju, don't try to get pregnant again, it is better for you!" There were people who talked about adoption.There were people who pointed out that my decision to transfer multiple embryos is wrong. There were even people who told me that, "What is the use of having money when there is no offspring to propagate one's own generation!" These are all said by people who are well-educated!

I really had no regrets. I understood that it takes all kinds to make a world. It also taught me what to say, and what not to say, when a person is grieving. I realized that friendship is more than merely sharing happiness and joy, more than being together during times of enjoyment. I really wanted people to come and talk to me, say some kind words. But, many who were with us during our happy times didn't have the time or courage to meet us during our difficult times! 

When I read the above article about that chimpanzee and her wisdom, I can't stop crying. Only very few people shared our grief, only very few told me that it is OK to grieve and we must. Only very few had the wisdom to say, "This, too, shall pass", give it some time. Only very few people appreciated us for being strong and bearing the pain gracefully. Thanks to everyone who were kind enough and knew to say the right words. I am so happy to have such people around me (my blog readers, my Dr, my family, some of my friends!) I am very, very thankful to women who went through the same pain as I am and took time to write to me explaining how they successfully came out of that pain and grief only to become a lot better. 

I thought I must write it down so that people learn to talk to a grieving person. Your ignorance is not an excuse to hurt others! Please put yourself in other’s shoes before you spill words! By writing this down, I am also trying for a catharsis, it will help me come out of the bitterness which I have knowingly or unknowingly accumulated.

I wish I have more friends and relations like that chimpanzee - warm and compassionate :)

Love,
Manju