IVF failure - when emotional pain is stronger than physical pain !

" Thanx a lot manju...i just love to read your reply.
I am very lucky to have a very loving and understanding husband. Just finiahed my 3rd ivf. Same protocol with 450 iu fsh daily for 10 days fron day 2 and cetrotide. Collected 9 eggs. 4 mature and 3 immature, 1 dead. 4 eggs icsied and got 3, 6 celled and 1,8 celled day 3 embryos and 8 cell embyo was grade a with no fragments. and others with small fragments.they tranfred 4 embyos My dr was very hopeful for this cycle. But just got my bfn on day 14. And this cycle also was not succesful. My progestrone on day of hcg administration was 1.7ng/ml. I was reading that elevated progestrone on day of hcg admnstration have a negative impact on implantation. As endometrium is less receptive. I am not finding any comfort anywhere. I am so hopeless. Just want to have my bundle of joy, but it seems its not going to happen.
I feel good talking to you. Just someone with whome i can share everything.
Thanx a lot for being there. "

Dear S ,

" I understand your pain. I have gone through IVF failures many a time - we feel so hopeless , and future might appear very dark and bleak. All I would say is , cry , cry and cry. It will make you feel better. 

Remember , there are women who go through much horrible times due to infertility. I know women whose husbands took it as an opportunity to leave them. I know women who can't get the baby they want because they do not have the necessary money. And , there are women  who just can't have a baby because their ovaries don't work anymore. Being grateful for what we have helps a lot to feel better at these difficult times. It helps you to feel thankful in spite of the sorrow you feel now. Life is never easy , not for anyone. The battles we fight , the courage and strength we show , will define who we are. 

First , even if you do not succeed in having a baby that's not the end of the world. You are already a wonderful mother and your child will come to you in the appropriate time. Never lose hope.

Yes , progesterone rise at the time of hcg administration can make the lining not in sync with the embryos' developmental stage - this might lead to failed implantation. Why didn't you tell your concern to your doctor at that time ? You could have opted for a FET. Nevertheless , past is past. The good thing is , you produce eggs still. When are you planning to start the next cycle ? Can you write to me before starting it , perhaps a month before you start ?

Now , just take your time to recover - read good books ; grow your spirituality ; do something which makes you feel good about yourself. Life will not stay as such forever - nothing lasts longer. This difficult time will come to an end , too.

Find happiness , please ! You can , it's all within yourself. You just need to know how to experience it , enjoy it , in spite of all the troubles. Finding ways to be happy amidst these difficult IVF times can help you to reach your goal with ease . "

IVF failure is no joke. I have seen couples who became suicidal after an IVF failure. The pain can be excruciating - you feel as if  you are sucked out of energy from every cell of your body ; thoughts about future can be very fearful. You feel as if you can never function properly - doing everyday chores can feel like an Himalayan task ; your professional life can have a set back , for that time being.  But the good thing about an IVF failure is , after you cry your heart out , you feel cleansed inside out. For many , IVF failure can open the door to spirituality - they try to analyze their actions ( life ) spiritually - as a result ,  most couples will definitely become better humans. Your preferences in life will change for the better. Your ego gets tamed , and naturally you start to give importance to the most valuable things in life - you will fill yourself with love and gratitude , rather than hatred and fear. After all ,  that is what life is all about ; that's what a failure does to a mature human being. After a painful experience , you will always be left with two choices - to become bitter or better. The good news is , most humans turn out to be better beating the bitterness within them. The only wise words at such times is , " Stay strong , this too will pass "

The pain of a failed IVF cycle and how to deal with it!

After 2 days of horrible emotional suffering I feel a lot better today. It is hard, very hard! I understood what a depression means and how it can drown you if you do not deal with it effectively. I felt as if I am drained of all my energy. I had no hunger and every step I took, every work I did felt as if I am moving a big mountain. I wanted to lie down all the time. Every thought brought in a bundle of fears. More I thought more fearful it was. What if I end up with empty hands and empty pocket? What will happen to our future? Will I ever live happily here after? Will I be able to smile normally? Will I see my DH smile and joke with the same spontaneity as he always used to do? Will my mother bear when I tell the test result to her? Will I ever be able to work again? Will my brain function normally? Will I be able to think clearly? I even told my DH, sobbing uncontrollably – I want to quit working! I don’t think I can work again!!! All kind of irrational thoughts raced within me. And the best thing is I survived all this!

Yesterday evening was too good. Our friends came home. I felt life can never go out of my hand. I cooked with the same enthusiasm. We had a nice dinner. We talked about so many different things. My DH’s sense of humour was so good and I enjoyed his wonderful smile to my heart’s content! The aftermath of the pain is very positive; I could perceive and receive even the simplest joy with so much gratitude. I just love myself and my life!

A failed IVF cycle is very painful. I would even describe it to the emotional pain, we experience, when we have to say our last good bye to our dear ones. Going through an IVF cycle is no joke; it involves everything you would dread to part away with - your hard earned money, your routine, peaceful life and your beautiful baby dreams. Each IVF cycle is financially and emotionally very challenging and every failed cycle reminds you of the fact that it can happen again too. The uncertainty of the process can drive us mad. After some point your brain refuses to believe that a cycle can end up in a positive way. Sometimes I do think of giving up and living peacefully. I feel I have no strength to go through this journey which is filled with uncertainty. But, I do wonder what is there in life if I do not fight for what I desire most. If I give up now won’t I be regretting later? Actually, doesn’t this challenge make my life more interesting? My mind says ‘why do you have to go through this?’ Save money, enjoy life, adopt a child and move on! But my heart’s desire is very hard to quench.

How do I deal with the pain of an IVF failure? I resort to the comforting words of loved ones. Nothing is as healing as that. I read books which could enlighten me with positive thoughts. I become very philosophical and it really helps. Now I have this blog and writing down what is bothering me gives me immense relief. I try to learn more about the process scientifically - what went wrong, what can be done to make it better, etc. I also believe that, however horrible a pain might be it doesn’t last longer. Our brain has such an amazing buffering capacity; it always tries to get back to normal as quick as possible.

What gives me the strength to move on? Belief! I still believe this process will work out and I will be successful. I just need some patience and perseverance. When I read about women, who went through several IVF cycles before achieving their dream, I feel reassured. I hope I can also inspire people with my positive story one day : )


In short, not keeping your expectations too high, learning to expect the unexpected twist and turns, understanding the limitations of an IVF cycle, knowing the process scientifically, giving enough time to heal before starting another cycle, being financially stable, good relationship between partners - all these will help  you to deal with an IVF failure effectively. Last but not the least, you should have an empathetic physician who will not send you the plan for next IVF cycle when you inform him/her that you have just received a negative beta :)