IVF failure - when emotional pain is stronger than physical pain !

" Thanx a lot manju...i just love to read your reply.
I am very lucky to have a very loving and understanding husband. Just finiahed my 3rd ivf. Same protocol with 450 iu fsh daily for 10 days fron day 2 and cetrotide. Collected 9 eggs. 4 mature and 3 immature, 1 dead. 4 eggs icsied and got 3, 6 celled and 1,8 celled day 3 embryos and 8 cell embyo was grade a with no fragments. and others with small fragments.they tranfred 4 embyos My dr was very hopeful for this cycle. But just got my bfn on day 14. And this cycle also was not succesful. My progestrone on day of hcg administration was 1.7ng/ml. I was reading that elevated progestrone on day of hcg admnstration have a negative impact on implantation. As endometrium is less receptive. I am not finding any comfort anywhere. I am so hopeless. Just want to have my bundle of joy, but it seems its not going to happen.
I feel good talking to you. Just someone with whome i can share everything.
Thanx a lot for being there. "

Dear S ,

" I understand your pain. I have gone through IVF failures many a time - we feel so hopeless , and future might appear very dark and bleak. All I would say is , cry , cry and cry. It will make you feel better. 

Remember , there are women who go through much horrible times due to infertility. I know women whose husbands took it as an opportunity to leave them. I know women who can't get the baby they want because they do not have the necessary money. And , there are women  who just can't have a baby because their ovaries don't work anymore. Being grateful for what we have helps a lot to feel better at these difficult times. It helps you to feel thankful in spite of the sorrow you feel now. Life is never easy , not for anyone. The battles we fight , the courage and strength we show , will define who we are. 

First , even if you do not succeed in having a baby that's not the end of the world. You are already a wonderful mother and your child will come to you in the appropriate time. Never lose hope.

Yes , progesterone rise at the time of hcg administration can make the lining not in sync with the embryos' developmental stage - this might lead to failed implantation. Why didn't you tell your concern to your doctor at that time ? You could have opted for a FET. Nevertheless , past is past. The good thing is , you produce eggs still. When are you planning to start the next cycle ? Can you write to me before starting it , perhaps a month before you start ?

Now , just take your time to recover - read good books ; grow your spirituality ; do something which makes you feel good about yourself. Life will not stay as such forever - nothing lasts longer. This difficult time will come to an end , too.

Find happiness , please ! You can , it's all within yourself. You just need to know how to experience it , enjoy it , in spite of all the troubles. Finding ways to be happy amidst these difficult IVF times can help you to reach your goal with ease . "

IVF failure is no joke. I have seen couples who became suicidal after an IVF failure. The pain can be excruciating - you feel as if  you are sucked out of energy from every cell of your body ; thoughts about future can be very fearful. You feel as if you can never function properly - doing everyday chores can feel like an Himalayan task ; your professional life can have a set back , for that time being.  But the good thing about an IVF failure is , after you cry your heart out , you feel cleansed inside out. For many , IVF failure can open the door to spirituality - they try to analyze their actions ( life ) spiritually - as a result ,  most couples will definitely become better humans. Your preferences in life will change for the better. Your ego gets tamed , and naturally you start to give importance to the most valuable things in life - you will fill yourself with love and gratitude , rather than hatred and fear. After all ,  that is what life is all about ; that's what a failure does to a mature human being. After a painful experience , you will always be left with two choices - to become bitter or better. The good news is , most humans turn out to be better beating the bitterness within them. The only wise words at such times is , " Stay strong , this too will pass "

How to tackle the infertility blues?

  1) Kill your self-pity

Self-pity is a good emotional lubricant when facing any adverse event in life. It helps to cry your eyes out. We all get some comfort after a nice crying spell. But on the long run it ruins your ability to fight-back the crisis. If you dwell on self-pity your development comes to a halt. ‘Why me?’ is the first question you ask yourself when you realize that your baby-making machinery has a defect. Once you come out of the ‘why me?’ stage and start thinking clearly you can find so many solutions which will help you to deal with your infertility effectively. So kill your self-pity in order to get a better view of the infertility crisis and to tackle it in a better way! 

2) Knowledge is power!

Educate yourself about your condition. It will help you to come out of self-pity and see your infertility in a rational way. More you know about your condition lesser will be your pains. Remember, no one cares about you as much as you do, not even your doctor. In the field of infertility there are a wide variety of treatment options and each doctor will have his/her own style of approaching a problem. Only when you educate yourself you can actively participate in the decision making processes of your treatment which will give you immense satisfaction and will also spare you from unnecessary infertility tests and therapies. This means you can save more money and time which in turn might help you to reach your target (baby!) quicker.There is so much information about infertility on net. Infertility bulletin boards are full of knowledgeable ladies who can offer you emotional as well as intellectual support. Read blogs which are written by infertility specialists which will  give you authentic information. 

3) Remove 'The God Factor’ from your infertility

Just like flu, just like heart problem, just like cancer, infertility is also a medical condition. God doesn’t make you infertile. God doesn’t want you to be infertile. Infertility is not God's curse. Please realize that praying to God and not taking proper medical treatment will not give you a baby; which you crave for! I have seen people going from temple to temple instead of going to a doctor. In infertility time is also one of the most important factors. Go to temple but also find a good doctor. After all, God can help you only when you help yourself. When you think ‘why God did this to me’ then it is also a source of major unhappiness. Again it will make you go into the self-pity mode. Remember that ‘The God Factor’ is a soothing medicine for your mind which in turn can help you feel better physically. When I say remove "The God Factor", I am not asking you to be nihilistic, I just ask you to be moderate and rational! Spirituality is not a cure for your infertility but it will help you to remain sane even if your attempts of conceiving a baby doesn't work as expected! 

4) Socialize

Do not retract into your shell. Be with the company of good friends who will understand you and offer emotional support. When you socialize you will realize that people come in all different varieties and colours. Some might hurt you, some might offer their sympathy, some will empathize with you, some don’t care and few people can inspire you too! What people think of your infertility is their problem and not yours. As Bertrand Russell said, ‘A dog will bark more loudly and bite more readily when people are afraid of him than when they treat him with contempt, and the human herd has something of this same characteristic. If you show that you are afraid of them, you give promise of good hunting, whereas if you show indifference, they begin to doubt their own power and therefore tend to let you alone’. Do not give undue importance to people’s comments or thinking. Be bold to face the world and try to imbibe inspiration from the people you meet. Ultimately you will realize that everyone has their own journey filled with hope and desperation. You are never alone! 

5) Try not to hide your infertility

You do not have to tell everyone about your infertility history. But be honest when your friends and relatives ask ‘aren’t you ready for kids yet?’ Tell them that you have problem with your ‘fertility apparatus’ and hopefully it will be mended soon :). I have personally experienced that this kind of frank answers make people behave themselves. This also stops them from pestering you with further questions so that you do not have to panic each and every time you meet them. 

6) Forgive unreasonable people

People are often unreasonable. Forgive them anyway. This will not teach them anything but will help you to safe-guard your happiness and peace of mind. Forgiving doesn’t mean that you have to be docile all the time. If their words and actions hurt you never be afraid to tell them to mind their own business. Anger not expressed at the right time can cause damage too! 

7) Stay away from superstition (and also from superstitious people!)

Fear is the major causative factor for superstitious beliefs and such beliefs will in turn keep you in fear’s grip all the time. Never get caught in that cycle. I find people’s attitude is infectious too. Avoid people with low self-esteem and superstitious beliefs. Not only they can reduce your confidence levels but can hurt you too. To tackle infertility you need lots of self-confidence. Never loose it to superstitious beliefs! 

8) Count your fortunes

Some people undergo much more horrible suffering in this world than you can imagine. Infertility hurts but it is not going to kill you anyway. What doesn't kill you; will only make you stronger! Be thankful for your blessings. Try to help people who are not as fortunate as you are. It will keep you happy and to appreciate who you are! 

9) Get out of abusive relationships

It is impossible to fight infertility alone. When your spouse does not support you and is abusive then there is no point in going through this exhaustive journey. Your partner must provide you with an emotional cocoon where you can get all the support from. He has to also safe guard you from spiteful in-laws (if you are not fortunate enough!). If he is abusive himself the only way to escape from mental stress is to quit the relationship. It is good for both your physical and emotional health. 

10) Be selfish and pamper yourself

You are the person who is undergoing lots of stress physically and mentally. Love and pamper yourself. Never carry others problem in your mind. Your mother or mother-in-law’s problem of not being able to have a grandchild is something which they have to deal with. Be selfish to the core! Sometimes it is wise to be selfish.