The pain of a failed IVF cycle and how to deal with it!

After 2 days of horrible emotional suffering I feel a lot better today. It is hard, very hard! I understood what a depression means and how it can drown you if you do not deal with it effectively. I felt as if I am drained of all my energy. I had no hunger and every step I took, every work I did felt as if I am moving a big mountain. I wanted to lie down all the time. Every thought brought in a bundle of fears. More I thought more fearful it was. What if I end up with empty hands and empty pocket? What will happen to our future? Will I ever live happily here after? Will I be able to smile normally? Will I see my DH smile and joke with the same spontaneity as he always used to do? Will my mother bear when I tell the test result to her? Will I ever be able to work again? Will my brain function normally? Will I be able to think clearly? I even told my DH, sobbing uncontrollably – I want to quit working! I don’t think I can work again!!! All kind of irrational thoughts raced within me. And the best thing is I survived all this!

Yesterday evening was too good. Our friends came home. I felt life can never go out of my hand. I cooked with the same enthusiasm. We had a nice dinner. We talked about so many different things. My DH’s sense of humour was so good and I enjoyed his wonderful smile to my heart’s content! The aftermath of the pain is very positive; I could perceive and receive even the simplest joy with so much gratitude. I just love myself and my life!

A failed IVF cycle is very painful. I would even describe it to the emotional pain, we experience, when we have to say our last good bye to our dear ones. Going through an IVF cycle is no joke; it involves everything you would dread to part away with - your hard earned money, your routine, peaceful life and your beautiful baby dreams. Each IVF cycle is financially and emotionally very challenging and every failed cycle reminds you of the fact that it can happen again too. The uncertainty of the process can drive us mad. After some point your brain refuses to believe that a cycle can end up in a positive way. Sometimes I do think of giving up and living peacefully. I feel I have no strength to go through this journey which is filled with uncertainty. But, I do wonder what is there in life if I do not fight for what I desire most. If I give up now won’t I be regretting later? Actually, doesn’t this challenge make my life more interesting? My mind says ‘why do you have to go through this?’ Save money, enjoy life, adopt a child and move on! But my heart’s desire is very hard to quench.

How do I deal with the pain of an IVF failure? I resort to the comforting words of loved ones. Nothing is as healing as that. I read books which could enlighten me with positive thoughts. I become very philosophical and it really helps. Now I have this blog and writing down what is bothering me gives me immense relief. I try to learn more about the process scientifically - what went wrong, what can be done to make it better, etc. I also believe that, however horrible a pain might be it doesn’t last longer. Our brain has such an amazing buffering capacity; it always tries to get back to normal as quick as possible.

What gives me the strength to move on? Belief! I still believe this process will work out and I will be successful. I just need some patience and perseverance. When I read about women, who went through several IVF cycles before achieving their dream, I feel reassured. I hope I can also inspire people with my positive story one day : )


In short, not keeping your expectations too high, learning to expect the unexpected twist and turns, understanding the limitations of an IVF cycle, knowing the process scientifically, giving enough time to heal before starting another cycle, being financially stable, good relationship between partners - all these will help  you to deal with an IVF failure effectively. Last but not the least, you should have an empathetic physician who will not send you the plan for next IVF cycle when you inform him/her that you have just received a negative beta :)