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Wednesday, November 6, 2013

A new beginning or the end ?

Thanks for everyone for all the kind prayers ! I gave birth to two beautiful souls on Nov 5th, a girl and a boy. It is too early for them to survive outside my uterus. Many things happened in these 10 days, all suddenly without any warning. We went through terrible torture which no parents should go through. I have no energy to elaborate on anything and even if I do, it can be very uncomfortable and heart-breaking for many of you. The reason they have to come so early is incompetent cervix, preterm premature rupture of membrane and preterm labour. How we are coping with what happened ? We don't really know yet. We are surviving ofcourse. Our children looked so beautiful, we are able to hold them in our hands, kiss them to our heart's content. I would have named them Anisha and Aniruddha. The pain of dreams shattered is unbearable. When I saw my DH cry I really wished I were dead. Can someone tell me why these things happened to us ? This the question which haunts us. Once my friend was telling, we haven't harmed anyone and nothing bad will happen. Does it mean we have harmed someone and is it our bad karma that is making us go through all these ? Does it mean only bad people suffer ? Why bad things happen to good people ?

Friends, I really wish I could be more strong. I don't want to lose my life, I want to live it fully and happily. I still believe life is very beautiful and sooner or later I will take charge of my life. I want my DH, my parents, his parents to be happy. I will do whatever I can do to bring back the happiness. Do I despise God ? No, surprisingly I feel much closer to that positive force, perhaps He is the only person I can cling on to during this difficult time. 

Some people when they grieve do not want to think about future. But for me a plan for the future puts my mind at peace. I am thinking about surrogacy. I can't imagine going through all this again, especially when my cervix is so weak. I am thankful to God that He allowed me to enjoy all the joys of pregnancy which I thought I will never be able to go through as a woman - severe morning sickness to labour and the pain of it, how the body amazingly tries to bring the baby to this world. I am a mother now but without my children and I think I have always been a great mother to many in my life.

Please pray for us that we should carry on with our life as usual. I want Manju back. I want that wonderful smile in my DH's face. This experience has made us much closer. Sometimes I feel very guilty that my body has destroyed all his wonderful dreams. I feel I am defective and have destroyed my childrens wonderful life.

Let this suffering make us much stronger and much more humane, let me not become bitter and angry on life !

Last but not the least, do not compare my situation to anyone of yours. Such things happen very rarely and do not equate what happened to me to yourself and panic. Some are destined to go through hard times and perhaps there will never be any answer for why it is so ! Religion call it as karma, people call it as bad luck, science will say it is just a game of probability - whatever it is the pain is huge and I strongly want to believe this too will pass !

I have nothing more to say as of now, hope I will see you all with the same happiness as before, the same Manju will be back but perhaps with a much mature and empathetic outlook of everything. Take care and please share with me all your joys and sorrows as always. 


  1. Hi Manju,

    I am really really very sorry to hear of your loss.. Oh Dear My Heart goes for you.

    You do not know me, I am one week old to your Blog, was just a silent reader from last one week until now.

    I was very happy to read all of your post, including the one where you had mentioned you are 11 weeks pregnant.

    Honestly, I do not know what should I write here, anything and everything that I write is not going to take your pain away. This will be staying with you forever, but being said all this, I am sure the next decision that you have made is a wise one.

    Few things are out of our hands, anyone who visits your blog, can definetly say that you have done All that You could, to get a baby.

    For now, I will just write that I am sailing in the same boat as you are.

    Once you feel little better, will write more to you.


  2. Dear Manju,

    I honestly have no words... I could cry reading your post... but you should remain strong... I'm so sorry for your loss... I also thought surrogacy would be a good option for you... I'm glad you are thinking about it... For now, just take a break... I will email you soon.

    Take care,

  3. I am so sorry Manju. I am praying for you and your entire family.

  4. Manju, I am so sorry-- my heart is just breaking for you and your husband. Just know that we are all praying for you and your little ones. Many hugs.. C

  5. My heart is crying for you =( I am so sorry this has happened to you and your family. I was truly rooting for you because your success would be the pillar for so many infertile women. Thank you for being for me when I reached out to you. You continue to be an aspiration, a symbol of strength, courage and compassion. I will pray for you and I have no doubt you will find happiness again in time.

    With love - Ann.

  6. You are quite possibly one of the most beautiful souls I have ever come across. Your fortitude, your dignity and your quiet resilience humble me Manju. I am extremely, extremely sorry that you and your husband had to endure this unbelievable pain. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. God bless you.

  7. Oh Manju, I am so very sorry this happened to you. I don't think even the people who spend thier lives pondering whether there is such a thing called karma can come up with an answer, and horrible things happen to good people all the time, and we will never know why :(

    Your desire to want to be okay, even at this debilitating point, is extremely admirable. That desire to reclaim your life and return to a state of happiness is a key ingredient to actually getting there...not everybody has this.

    You should not feel guilty for anything here. In a world where parents neglect and abuse thier children, you fought very hard to give your children life, and they were very lucky to have you. Who knows, you may be reunited with them again in another form.

  8. No woman should ever go through that kind of pain...
    You are a very strong woman... Stay that way.
    It will change the way you look at things in life.
    Make that change for the better not worse.

  9. OOh my dear manju, am so sorry to read about this. no words can express my hurt on your behalf. Please remain strong. We are praying for you and your family.

    we love you.

  10. Thank you so much friends ! Every word of yours has enormous healing power. I need all the warmth and hugs. Jay, even though we always had opinion differences I expected you to hold my hands during this time and thanks so much for that.

  11. So sorry to hear your loss, Manju.. I am a new follower of your blog and in such a short span of time i have started to admire you. you are really strong. The way you face the hardships of life and come out more strong every time is commendable. May god help you and your family to overcome this tough time.

  12. my heart and prayer are with you, your husband and your family. Your dream will be realised - because in God we believe, we trust. Your blog had brought hope and strength to me, and many others. You shared and help us all. We are all praying for you and are on your side, many us. I may never meet you but wish well in life - a beautiful life xxxx

  13. My heart felt condolences to you my dear. I am in tears right now reading this sad news. But stay strong as your strength gives hope to many people like me to never give up. God bless you with all health and happiness.
    Love Smita

  14. Hi Manju,

    There are so many people praying for you and your are truly the epitome of strength.
    You will soon have your Anisha and Aniruddha .. Amen!!!!

    Lots of Love,

  15. I just dont know what to say was heartbreaking to hear this....i hope god gives u the strength to overcome this pain.

  16. I'm praying for you. Anisha and Aniruddha will come to you soon..hold on to yourself..

  17. I am so very sorry to hear about your devastating loss! No one should have to endure such pain. To have overcome so many obstacles to get to to the point of almost being able to bring your babies home, only to have them suddenly disappear from your life. My heart goes out to you, your dear husband, and your family as you grieve.

  18. So heartbreaking. I had come across your blog sometime back. Can relate to you on many levels due to a difficult journey of over 12 years and no success. I was so thrilled for you and looking forward........And I know you will be rewarded. Your patience, strength and above all - faith in God will surely give you what you deserve and you will be amazing when it happens. Your little angels will remain in your life and help you cherish the great gifts that will be yours. You have age on your side dear.

  19. I am so sorry to hear this news. I am praying for you and your family.
    Send you lots of love and big hugs.

  20. Hey manju

    just managed to log in to your blog after nearly a month of very very hectic schedule. ............I m shocked..shattered.....uncontrollably crying.....manju why such things keep happening to us....anisha n annirruddh vl hv to b back in ur arms soon.


    1. Manju ....I m proud of you and dead sure that one day you vl have your dream fulfilled. strong...give strength to your DH .....I m praying for you n may those beautiful souls rest in peace. ..n as Hindu religion says change their clothes (bodies) n cum back to you soon.

  21. Dear Manju, very sorry for the loss. May God give you the strength to overcome this. Lots of tight hugs for you!!!

  22. Dear Ma'm
    Truly speaking,i was in tears reading this,shocked to the core.I don't know why i was so sure anything unfortunate can't be happen to you and your babies.Though I've never asked Almighty for anything,but yes i asked and prayed for you to let all this pass very well.I am really feeling Dishearten.

    But at the same time feeling contented,that you are surviving really well,fighting like a true warrior.I salute you,this great spirit to move on with life more happily & maturely,with more courage.You always said this thing,I am Idolize you but in fact you really deserve this.This great resilience,dignity,immense Strength & persistence can be expected from you only.

    You are among one of the Beautiful Souls,i have ever seen in my life.I don't believe in so-called Role model or Idols,but for me you are an Idol,i have always learned a lot from you.As u mentioned,you have always been a great Mother to many in your life,I am totally agree with you.In fact you are as like my Mother to me,from the very first day I met you. As like from earlier,my good wishes,love,care & Respect from bottom of my Heart,always with you and will remain forever,you are never alone.

    Just wishing for your Happiness and wellness,may Almighty bless you with more Strength and great fortune ahead.

    Yours Little One !

  23. dear manju
    What should I say? May God give you and your DH all the strength u need to overcome the grief. Your decision on surrogacy is excellent. I am sure anisha and aniruddha will be back in your lives soon. My prayers are with you as always.

    All the best!

  24. Oh no.....this is devastating. I am so sorry Manju, my tears are falling as I type. I do not understand why such a thing has to happen to the best people! But no matter what path you take, I know you will be an excellent mother, and your beautiful children will watch over you.

  25. Manju, I was so listless when I read this yesterday. I couldn't continue working, I felt so crushed. And to know that whatever I was feeling for you was experienced ten fold in your own mind? Unimaginable. I don't believe in karma or faith or divine providence, but when I saw that you were finally pregnant (with twins!) I simply knew that it would work in the end, as though it were the last triumphant chapter of an otherwise long and tragic plot. I felt that a good and bright person like you could only be a victim to so many tragedies, and that Fate had finally exhausted its supply of misfortunes and cruelty.

    Seeing you so strong in the face of this is a strange thing to witness. I feel like you have the right be spiteful or to be angry or to hate whatever divine gatekeeper might hand us our circumstances. I feel like you have the right because I have felt sympathy for so many people who have fallen to pieces over so much less than what you have suffered. You are an inspiration to us, but that's a bitter thought to me because right now I wish more than anything that you didn't have to be.

  26. Manju, I am so sorry to hear about your loss.Your blog has been highly educational and inspirational to me in my quest to become a mother. I lost my son a year ago in a similar manner and can imagine how much pain you and your husband are in. Your positive attitude in this difficult situation reflects what a strong woman you are. Know that it is okay to grieve, to be angry. Wishing you peace and serenity.

  27. Manju, my heart aches for you and your family. I am truly at a loss of words. I read this in the crazy hours of the night and just couldn't hold back my tears.

    I visit the temple everyday (not because of our fertility issues began but its just something that has made me feel peaceful since we've moved back to India). Its amazing that you don't despise God after all this and feel more close to him. I've been asking myself and him why after all that you've been through. I trembled when I tried to put myself in your position….its just not fair. Since you first blogged about your FET, we've been praying for you. When you said you were having twins, it felt as if God truly listens and watches over those who haven't lost faith in him, who have been patient, have been strong and resilient and reached out to so many others through your experience…to those in need of help, guidance and assistance. I honestly believed this time that you were going to come out on the other side.

    Sending you hugs and continuing to pray for your well-being. It is truly admirable to see you so strong and blogging about it. I don't know how you do it. You have been and always be my inspiration. Please try and take care of yourself.


  28. Dear Manju,

    Sorry to hear your loss. Words can't express my feelings. Hope you get better soon and move on. You are in my prayers.


  29. Dear Manju...... i am in tears even while writing this... for two reasons: 1) i prayed for your anisha and anirudh all these days and i am not able digest that they r not with you now!! 2) The amazing mental strength you are showing at this time..... your are an inspiration to me and all the women who are going through infertility journey. You are so right in saying that It is important to plan for the next plan/ option in the baby journey.
    You will surely hold your baby in will...all of us.. ur blog readers will keep sending a million prayers everyday to God!!!

    - S ( you gave me the fighting will to fight my infertility journey of 2 yrs)

  30. Manju,
    Just wondering if u are ok. Hugs and keeping you in our prayers


  31. Dear Manju,
    I pray to God that he gives you strength. I write you this in tears. Going through infertility myself I understand your pain. You are a strong women and inspiration to many like us. You are in my thought and prayers. Wish I could hug you ...... it is said night is darkest just before dawn.
    -Ms M

  32. Dear Manju,

    Hope you are getting better and happy holidays!


  33. Oh my god , sorry to hear abt ur loss,my prayers for u and ur family. Dont lose hope dear . U will be a mother soon. Pls email me ur number da will call u.


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