A new beginning or the end ?

Thanks for everyone for all the kind prayers ! I gave birth to two beautiful souls on Nov 5th, a girl and a boy. It is too early for them to survive outside my uterus. Many things happened in these 10 days, all suddenly without any warning. We went through terrible torture which no parents should go through. I have no energy to elaborate on anything and even if I do, it can be very uncomfortable and heart-breaking for many of you. The reason they have to come so early is incompetent cervix, preterm premature rupture of membrane and preterm labour. How we are coping with what happened ? We don't really know yet. We are surviving ofcourse. Our children looked so beautiful, we are able to hold them in our hands, kiss them to our heart's content. I would have named them Anisha and Aniruddha. The pain of dreams shattered is unbearable. When I saw my DH cry I really wished I were dead. Can someone tell me why these things happened to us ? This the question which haunts us. Once my friend was telling, we haven't harmed anyone and nothing bad will happen. Does it mean we have harmed someone and is it our bad karma that is making us go through all these ? Does it mean only bad people suffer ? Why bad things happen to good people ?

Friends, I really wish I could be more strong. I don't want to lose my life, I want to live it fully and happily. I still believe life is very beautiful and sooner or later I will take charge of my life. I want my DH, my parents, his parents to be happy. I will do whatever I can do to bring back the happiness. Do I despise God ? No, surprisingly I feel much closer to that positive force, perhaps He is the only person I can cling on to during this difficult time. 

Some people when they grieve do not want to think about future. But for me a plan for the future puts my mind at peace. I am thinking about surrogacy. I can't imagine going through all this again, especially when my cervix is so weak. I am thankful to God that He allowed me to enjoy all the joys of pregnancy which I thought I will never be able to go through as a woman - severe morning sickness to labour and the pain of it, how the body amazingly tries to bring the baby to this world. I am a mother now but without my children and I think I have always been a great mother to many in my life.

Please pray for us that we should carry on with our life as usual. I want Manju back. I want that wonderful smile in my DH's face. This experience has made us much closer. Sometimes I feel very guilty that my body has destroyed all his wonderful dreams. I feel I am defective and have destroyed my childrens wonderful life.

Let this suffering make us much stronger and much more humane, let me not become bitter and angry on life !

Last but not the least, do not compare my situation to anyone of yours. Such things happen very rarely and do not equate what happened to me to yourself and panic. Some are destined to go through hard times and perhaps there will never be any answer for why it is so ! Religion call it as karma, people call it as bad luck, science will say it is just a game of probability - whatever it is the pain is huge and I strongly want to believe this too will pass !

I have nothing more to say as of now, hope I will see you all with the same happiness as before, the same Manju will be back but perhaps with a much mature and empathetic outlook of everything. Take care and please share with me all your joys and sorrows as always.