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Monday, July 16, 2012

The pain of a failed IVF cycle and how to deal with it!

After 2 days of horrible emotional suffering I feel a lot better today. It is hard, very hard! I understood what a depression means and how it can drown you if you do not deal with it effectively. I felt as if I am drained of all my energy. I had no hunger and every step I took, every work I did felt as if I am moving a big mountain. I wanted to lie down all the time. Every thought brought in a bundle of fears. More I thought more fearful it was. What if I end up with empty hands and empty pocket? What will happen to our future? Will I ever live happily here after? Will I be able to smile normally? Will I see my DH smile and joke with the same spontaneity as he always used to do? Will my mother bear when I tell the test result to her? Will I ever be able to work again? Will my brain function normally? Will I be able to think clearly? I even told my DH, sobbing uncontrollably – I want to quit working! I don’t think I can work again!!! All kind of irrational thoughts raced within me. And the best thing is I survived all this!

Yesterday evening was too good. Our friends came home. I felt life can never go out of my hand. I cooked with the same enthusiasm. We had a nice dinner. We talked about so many different things. My DH’s sense of humour was so good and I enjoyed his wonderful smile to my heart’s content! The aftermath of the pain is very positive; I could perceive and receive even the simplest joy with so much gratitude. I just love myself and my life!

A failed IVF cycle is very painful. I would even describe it to the emotional pain, we experience, when we have to say our last good bye to our dear ones. Going through an IVF cycle is no joke; it involves everything you would dread to part away with - your hard earned money, your routine, peaceful life and your beautiful baby dreams. Each IVF cycle is financially and emotionally very challenging and every failed cycle reminds you of the fact that it can happen again too. The uncertainty of the process can drive us mad. After some point your brain refuses to believe that a cycle can end up in a positive way. Sometimes I do think of giving up and living peacefully. I feel I have no strength to go through this journey which is filled with uncertainty. But, I do wonder what is there in life if I do not fight for what I desire most. If I give up now won’t I be regretting later? Actually, doesn’t this challenge make my life more interesting? My mind says ‘why do you have to go through this?’ Save money, enjoy life, adopt a child and move on! But my heart’s desire is very hard to quench.

How do I deal with the pain of an IVF failure? I resort to the comforting words of loved ones. Nothing is as healing as that. I read books which could enlighten me with positive thoughts. I become very philosophical and it really helps. Now I have this blog and writing down what is bothering me gives me immense relief. I try to learn more about the process scientifically - what went wrong, what can be done to make it better, etc. I also believe that, however horrible a pain might be it doesn’t last longer. Our brain has such an amazing buffering capacity; it always tries to get back to normal as quick as possible.

What gives me the strength to move on? Belief! I still believe this process will work out and I will be successful. I just need some patience and perseverance. When I read about women, who went through several IVF cycles before achieving their dream, I feel reassured. I hope I can also inspire people with my positive story one day : )


In short, not keeping your expectations too high, learning to expect the unexpected twist and turns, understanding the limitations of an IVF cycle, knowing the process scientifically, giving enough time to heal before starting another cycle, being financially stable, good relationship between partners - all these will help  you to deal with an IVF failure effectively. Last but not the least, you should have an empathetic physician who will not send you the plan for next IVF cycle when you inform him/her that you have just received a negative beta :)

36 comments:

  1. very sorry to hear abt the result.sometimes god play in our life.dont lose hope. will pray for you.take care.

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  2. hi manju. i just read your blog today, and all the posts at one go. i salute your courage and strength, and i wish i had an iota of it. after trying for a baby for 2 years, and 3 IUIs, i underwent my first IVF last week. i have to wait for another week before the results come in. am anxious, worried, hopeful and drained. i hope things work out for you, without any more challenges and pain. and i wish the same for myself too. take care.

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  3. Dear commenter,
    I sincerely wish you get a positive pregnancy test! Everyone will become courageous depending on their circumstances : ) Keep in touch! and THANKS A LOT for leaving some kind words.
    Manju

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  4. Hi Manju,

    Came here after reading about you on TOI crest. I recently gave up trying to have children after 3 failed IUI cycles and 3 IVF cycles. I am in that difficult stage of acceptance that I can never have my own children.
    I am glad to know that you are coping well and thanks for sharing your thoughts with us..

    Check out this my blog post on infertility..
    http://www.lazypineapple.com/2012/06/my-experiments-with-infertility.html

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  5. Dear commenter,

    Sorry! I completely understand your pain. I wish you never have to give up! My eyes were moist when I read your post. I am sorry! Did you explore all your options? How old are you? I will be happy to do something so that you feel better. Love you for what you are! Take care and please keep in touch. There will be a solution for everything : )
    Love
    Manju

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  6. Hi Manju,

    Accidentally came across your blog site!! Am I glad?? You bet!!! Absolutely understand what you are going through. I salute your courage and undying spirit. I am in a similar boat myself. Your blogs have a sense of encouragement in them and I am truly thankful to have read them. Take care, good luck and keep up the good work!

    Cheers,
    A similar someone.

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  7. Dear Commenter,

    Thank You! All your comments will keep my spirits high. Wish you all the good luck in the world! Keep in touch!
    Manju

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  8. Dear Manju,

    What doesn't kill you makes you stronger ! Grappling with infertility can help to make you more empathetic and emotionally much more resilient, so you can deal with all the hard knocks life can ( and will) deliver in the future as well !

    ReplyDelete
  9. Dear Dr,

    Thank you very much for taking time to write some kind words here! I agree with what you have said. This struggle has definitely made me stronger. I wish every woman struggling with infertility face it boldly and make themselves stronger instead of isolating themselves.
    Manju

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  10. Dear Manju,
    I came to your blog site after reading an article from TOI crust. I am not able to find words to describe you and your blogs. They are tremendously encouraging. May be I can not understand the tough times you are having but then I can understand the pain of not having child. Since I can’t have any more kids after being mother of a cute daughter.
    4 years back I came to know I can’t have more kids and IVF is only solution to try. I want another kid so that my little one has shoulder to cry n share happiness when I wont be there in her world. Still not sure whether I should go for IVF or stay happy with single kid?????? Anyway May God fulfill all your wishes…. keep going

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can't stand ungrateful women who complain about not being able to have a second child when they already have one. It is offensive to others who can't even have one.

      Delete
    2. Dear commenter,

      I could understand that you are in a painful situation. But it is not fair to say that people who long for a sibling for their young one are ungrateful. What did you find offensive in the above comment ? Infertility hurts, doesn't matter whether you already have a child or not. Actually a woman who already has a child can understand the pain of infertility better. Because they know both sides of the coin.

      Please do not get upset ! May all your dreams come true !

      Manju



      Delete
  11. Dear Commenter,
    Thank you very much! Every kind word makes me feel a lot better. I would say follow what your heart says. Do not sacrifice your happiness for anything or anybody - it will have no value at the end! Only when you are happy you can keep your family happy too. Could you please read this blog post : http://blog.drmalpani.com/2012/07/how-to-make-decisions-guide-for.html. Might be it helps you to make better decission. My love to your cute little princess. I sincerely wish she soon gets a sibling to share her joys and sorrows.Keep in touch!
    Manju

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  12. Hi Manju

    Firstly, I admire how strong you are and wish I can be too. I had a couple of IUIs and 2 rounds of IVF. My first resulted in pregnancy however i lost my child on the 5th month of pregnancy. I had bleeding for 4 months and was on complete bedrest. I was devastated and also went through problems at home just 3 days after loosing the baby. In laws were not as supportive and this caused problems in my marriage. Up until today I still struggle with dealing with my feelings towards my in laws. After a year, I tried again. I was so hopeful because throughout the IVF process, I felt very optimistic and was happy. However, I got a negative beta results yesterday. I felt so terrible, cried my heart out. I questioned God why does this happen to me. I hope I will be able to start again soon as I desperately want a child so bad. I wish you sll the best too. Keep your posts coming. You are a great inspiration.

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  13. Dear commenter,

    Thanks for the appreciation. I am sure you are very strong and courageous too. Sorry that you have to go through a horrible miscarriage. I know how painful it can be emotionally (((HUGS))).

    I understand you completely. A failed IVF cycle is very painful and I too wonder why we have to go through all this suffering. Perhaps everything has a reason and as our life unfolds we will be able to see the real meaning behind all this. Until then we should just take all this as a learning experience and try to become a better person : )

    "Why does this happen to me ? Why bad things happen to good people ?" - when bad things happen to bad people they become even bitter and hence they should enjoy their share of good things too so that they can become a better person in life. But unfortunately when bad things happen to good people they become even more better and hence suffering becomes even more good for them! : )

    We deeply long for something which most people get so easily and happily in life. For many a baby is a gift for the happiness they share. For us a baby will be a gift for our struggles. We don't even know whether we will get what we want but we still fight and struggle for it so passionately, putting all our financial, physical and emotional strength ! In this process we learn a lot too - we become sensitive to others sufferings, we learn to appreciate all life forms, we think several times before being harsh to someone, we become humble, we understand the uncertainty of life, we learn to live life one day at a time and most importantly we learn to be grateful for all the blessings we have in our life. In short - WE LEARN LIFE !

    Not many people get the opportunity to learn such life's lessons. We must accept the suffering gracefully (suffering is not a punishment but a gift in disguise), never loose our resilience and for sure our dream will come true one day or we just learn to accept that a shattered dream is not the end of life !

    After all, who doesn't suffer? Even an innocent, new born baby suffers many a time in this world.

    Just some of my thoughts. If it helps you to deal with your failed IVF cycle effectively I will be very happy.

    manjupadmasekar@yahoo.com

    Write to me if you need any help during your IVF journey : ) Lots of good luck friend ! Just wait for few days you will feel a lot better.

    Love,
    Manju

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  14. Dear Manju,

    The best to you on your journey. How wonderful that you are experiencing your emotions and giving them a voice. Julia Indichova offers wonderful help from her website and books for those hoping to conceive and grow families through a variety of options. She works a lot with the emotional side which is certainly a huge part of fertility.

    Blessings

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the kind words and for the valuable suggestion!

      Manju

      Delete
  15. Hi Manju,
    I accidentely came across your blog site. I totally understand what you must be going thru. I've been TTC thru IVF since 2010 and yesterday I got a BFN with my 8th attempt. I don't think I have the energy to go thru this process. I felt so lonely yesterday, cried my heart out, totally feel hopeless. I don't know what I'm going to do next. I'm surrounded by preg women at work and in my social circle, happy for them yet so hard not to feel jelous. I feel bad to think so but ultimately we are all human beings with feelings!
    Wish you best in life and I really hope and pray that your dream of having a baby gets fulfilled:)
    Take care

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Friend,

      (((HUGS)))

      I could feel your pain. I know how you might feel at the moment - as if you are stripped of all your energy ! Actually, you are such a strong woman - I am very, very proud of you.

      Just wait for a couple of days, you will feel a lot better. If you wish to, can you please write to me the reason for IVF, how old are you and so on ? My mail ID is manjupadmasekar@yahoo.com. There will be a way out. I sincerely wish that you have your baby very soon in your hands. Love you !

      Manju

      Delete
    2. Hi Manju,

      I came across your blog and it lightened up my day. I just had my failed first IVF cycle and have been struggling with emotions. You have said what exactly I felt. I read it out loud to my husband. Thanks for your inspiring words. Wish you all the best on your journey!

      Linda

      Delete
    3. Dear Linda,

      I am happy that this blog post helped you to cope with your failed IVF cycle. Thank you so much for writing to me ! I am sure you will feel better very soon. I wish you lots of good luck and may you find success very soon.

      Keep in touch !

      Manju

      Delete
  16. Manchu thanks for your post. I have suffered 5 miscarriages and a failed big round and just had a failed GET round. Everyone assumed because I can get pregnant the big would work immediately. I am very angry and upset but know that neither of these emotions help. I am trying to not see myself as a victim now but to look forward to spendin quality time with my husband and helping him too before we try again. Thank u for your wise words.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. AR, I feel your pain. I have gone through a miscarriage and still it hurts and made me fearful too. I salute your strength and courage. I wish sincerely that you get success soon. Good luck !

      Lots of love,
      Manju

      Delete
  17. i just failed my first ivf since then all i have done is cried and been in bed...its natural to expect a lot from ur first as u read sooo many sucesss stories... i really did thing it wil work ...things seemed perfect though i had less embryyos but they were 2 and both very healthy i took rest and ate well but it was all for nothing ....i am mentally tired ..i only see preggars around and more and more of my friends getting pregnant strange part is that its all soooo easy for them and for me evenone seems impossible...i feel so bad i cant give my husband a baby...i see the pain in his eyes but he never says anything all that he wil say is ' you know we dont get things easily' . everything to us which is natural came to us with pain except materialistic things...in short all natural processes of life are not natural for us . now the question comes why? i went through horrible 2 yrs of trying so i thought i had my share of problems so ivf has to work now 2 yrs of pain finally wil get it but unfortunately i never saw it as a start to more issues... when i did iuisand naturally tried ivf was my hope but now there is nothing maybe more ivfs but then nothingg its all up to him up there and we definately are not his favorite for him to give it to us...honestly i dont even know if he is there...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear friend,

      I could completely understand how you feel now. All I can give you is a very big (((hug))). I wish it will reduce your pain atleast a bit.

      Think of people who never got anything in this life - including material things. Our suffering is ofcourse hard but there are people who go through very hard time in life. You have a supportive husband, money to do IVF and knowledge to understand this process scientifically. Life will never be a cake-walk and difficulties in life will make us strong and empathetic.

      I know it pains, please use this pain in a constructive way and never allow it to paralyze you. IVF needs patience and persistence. Do your duty and be unaffected by the outcome- I know very well that it is hard to follow this advice. But if we follow this we will have the strength to achieve our goal.

      Please have a plan B always. What will you do if IVF doesn't work ? Find an answer please!

      I wish sincerely that you will have your baby soon!

      Throw away the self-pity. Be happy for your blessings! You will achieve what you want. The fruit of hard-work is always tastier.

      If you need any info you can mail me. My mail ID is manjupadmasekar@yahoo.com.

      Be happy always! Let your pain go away!

      Lots of love,
      Manju

      Delete
  18. I have just read your beautiful words after this morning finding out our 2nd cycle has failed. It is such a cruel process and I feel devastated, my heart aches. Your words give me hope & strength, and also make me count my blessings.

    I am normally such a positive person, but after the agony of the first fail I found it hard to let myself be positive, I felt as if I had to protect myself from the sheer devastation that hit me after the first cycle.

    I realise many people have been trying for so much longer, and I wish them strength and love. I hope I can be as strong.

    Your words were heaven sent today, and I will cry and grieve today, then it is time for my body and mind to recover. We are so blessed and are lucky enough to have our beautiful snow babies waiting for when the time is right.

    Thank you for your enlightening words, and I will remember you in my prayers. Along with all the other strong, special people travelling the same path Xx

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    Replies
    1. Hope your pain subsides soon. Thanks a lot for writing to me ! May your dream come true. My prayers are with you too.

      Delete
  19. Dear Manju

    I was searching the internet to try and identify my own feelings of loss following a failed IVF attempt last week. I had read all the practical things to do following a negative result but I still felt that I wanted confirmation and understanding of my own thoughts and feelings. Reading your blog has provided me with this. it has acted as a reflection of my own emotions. I feel for you as I can understand the deep sadness and uncertainty which you describe. Thank you for this blog and for helping me to identify and understand my feelings. My thoughts are with you this time, I pray that whatever your future brings you find strength in comfort within yourself as well as those around you.

    Samantha x

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    Replies
    1. Samantha, I am happy that my words helped you. My journey was a very long, heart-breaking one, but, had a very happy ending. I have a 8 month old daughter now. Please go to the front page of my blog and view web version if you are using an Android version smart phone to browse. You will read a lot more. You will have an happy ending too. Never give up ! Good luck !

      Delete
  20. Dear Manju,

    It's 2am as I read your blog- I'm unable to sleep because I feel so down. I am trying to deal with a failed IVF cycle. I thought I was fine, my husband said I was dealing with it well but the last 2 days I've spent crying and unable to cope with my emotion. One of the things you said about feeling like you can't work - that's exactly how I'm feeling. I have taken a couple of days off work but the fear of working on Monday is all too much. Your blog is so wise and I can only strive to be the kind of person you are. Reading everyone's comments - so sad and sending love to everyone there dealing with infertility.

    I'm struggling to find ways to be positive - do you have any tips?
    We are going to see our IVF clinic in a month to talk to them - perhaps that will provide answers but my fear is that it will bring back emotions I'm finding it so hard to deal with. We also said we would adopt but having been to an open evening tonight for information on adoption - the process is long and of course not guaranteed. I left with a feeing that we might not have children - which is too much to handle.

    I'm sorry if this post is negative - I desperately hoped to be positive but I'm still struggljng.

    Victoria x

    ReplyDelete
  21. Thank you for this. I am struggling with my 2nd failed IVF. I was pregnant naturally last year but lost it at 12wks due to severe stress caused by my partner and his parents. Now I am 44, very alone and feel it is too late, I will never have my own biological child. I want to die. The pain is unbearable. :*(

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am really , really sorry for what you went through and for what you are going through. ((( hugs ))).

      It is not wise to brood on the past or the future. If you make sure to live your present moment happily , future will take care of itself. Try to pursue something which gives a sense purpose - it might be IVF with donor eggs or something which gives happiness to you , something which you are passionate about. This will make a huge difference in your life.

      Do not think of death , everyone will die someday. Living is what is difficult :) Living life the most beautiful way irrespective of our broken dreams , irrespective of our inability and failures , makes us a beautiful human. I think this is what you must aim for. Something to do , someone to love - try to find these both , you will never feel sorry for yourself.

      You will love any child as yours , genes will not matter.

      Whatever you decide , my prayers and good luck :)

      Delete
    2. I am really , really sorry for what you went through and for what you are going through. ((( hugs ))).

      It is not wise to brood on the past or the future. If you make sure to live your present moment happily , future will take care of itself. Try to pursue something which gives a sense purpose - it might be IVF with donor eggs or something which gives happiness to you , something which you are passionate about. This will make a huge difference in your life.

      Do not think of death , everyone will die someday. Living is what is difficult :) Living life the most beautiful way irrespective of our broken dreams , irrespective of our inability and failures , makes us a beautiful human. I think this is what you must aim for. Something to do , someone to love - try to find these both , you will never feel sorry for yourself.

      You will love any child as yours , genes will not matter.

      Whatever you decide , my prayers and good luck :)

      Delete
  22. Thank you Manju. Love, the last poster. I will try. Xx

    ReplyDelete
  23. Hi, I just got my BFN beta results today and the heartache is unbearable. I'm sitting by myself in the car crying right now. Everything u said ring true to me. The last time I felt this bad was when a friend passed away. This feels like death.

    This was my first IVF after trying for two years. I'll be 37 this year. It feels like I still have a long and painful journey ahead and this thought makes me so tired. I'm physically, mentally and emotionally tired. I thought I handled last month's injection and hormones well but I overestimated myself. Today, everything just crashed for me. I cannot face going on life as normal, going to work as normal, laughing or sleeping. I can't control the tears and I want to disappear.

    I don't have any friends who I can talk to about this so I'm just jotting down my feelings here. It really helps to know I'm not the only one facing this. I know I will feel better but right now, it's just unbearable.

    Thanks for listening :)

    ReplyDelete

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