I received this letter recently from one of my blog reader.I could totally understand what she is going through and I am sure many of you will too ! It is very important for women who go through infertility to find a way to let out their bottled up emotions. Clamming up all your emotions can play havoc in the long run. There is always help around, you just need to know how to ask for it and get the support you need. I hope this letter and the reply helps some of you too. Let us support each other during our difficult times !
Hi Manju,
My name is B.... I got your
email id thru one of your comments section. I have been commenting on your
recent two posts under Anonymous with signature Cheers, B
I don’t even know why I am
writing this mail to you. I guess I just need to vent out my feelings which I
am bottling up inside without the fear of being judged. I totally understand if
I don’t get a reply back given that you should be experiencing these initial
early days filled with happiness. I am married to my college sweetheart and
have been TTC for 6 years now. I am a very private person when it comes to
sharing my inner feelings. I am an expert in clamming up my worries from people
around me. There is so much of hidden pearls in your blog..for ex: carrying
other peoples problem in your mind like...my mother can’t have a grandchild
etc... I lost my father when I am little and since then it is amma who brought
us up single handedly. So in a way I feel I owe only happiness to amma. And I
feel I am a big failure. Whenever I call amma, only one thing is on her mind -
baby. That is why from calling everyday it is reduced to weekly once call. My
younger bro married last year, and recently had a baby girl and I was over the
moon. I was happy at least my mom as one grandchild now. I got married very
young and within 2 months we found I was pregnant. We weren’t really thinking
much then, so with joint decision we terminated the baby, later thinking when
we are ready we can have them, and now part of me is still stuck in that
moment. Whenever I see a 6-7 year old child I think, my baby would have been
such height now. This is killing me slowly and my husband is least aware of my
thought process. I have now PCOS. This year we went thru our 1st IVF and though
everything went thru like a textbook example, it was unsuccessful. Here in UK
NHS for the very 1st time they put only 1 embryo. Totally they retrieved 14
eggs out of which 6 survived. Now for FET they would put 2 embryos probably
next month.
I am surprised I have written
this much. I think I am slowly getting into depression.
Sorry if I have spammed your
inbox manju. That was not my intention.
Cheers, B
Dearmost B...,
I am moved to tears after reading your mail. How
honestly you have written it, you have vented all your fears! ((((hugs)))). I
understand you and your pain - I completely know how you feel. B…, you are not
alone, every woman who struggles with infertility is more or less the same.
I am just a reflection of you and your thoughts, that is why you find comfort in
reading my blog.
I am so happy that you have decided to talk to
me; to let your feelings out. It will help a lot. I am sure when writing this
mail you were in tears, and now you feel a lot better. I am exactly like you B…,
I talk a lot but never, ever shared my pain with anyone before I started to
write this blog. More I wrote, more verbally expressive I became too. I learned
to share my pain at least with a few people, mostly with women like you who
write about their problem. It gave me so much solace.
I could understand when you talk about your
amma. My dad is no more too and my mom lives with my old granddad. In the
beginning I used to vent my pain to her and it made her cry. At one point, I
stopped telling my pains to her. I too started to call my mom less
frequently-the sole reason for it is, not to make her uncomfortable with my
crying spells and desperateness. I think it must be the same with you too. The reason why you are not calling your mom is, you are afraid of her pain.
B…, you are not a failure. Do you think every
person who suffer in life is just a failure ? Unfortunately, the society in
which we are brought up has instilled this mentality in our mind. A very
comfortable, happy human (a person who is self-sufficient in everything) is
thought to be an ideal person and is believed to be in the complete grace of
God. Because of this many humans strive hard to appear "all is well"
and cover up their suffering. Since very less people are open about their
personal suffering, we think we are the only ones who suffer and silently bear
the brunt of our pain !
Suffering doesn't equate failure; suffering
means betterment and a more stronger 'YOU'. Suffering is a part of every life B...
It tames our ego. In the beginning it hurts, but once you understand that
suffering is what shapes you and helps you to be humane, you will not get
depressed. You will understand that it is part of everyone's life and we all
grow via that. The reason for your depression is, you feel that you are good for
nothing. This is just an expression of your untamed ego and the self-importance
you still strive hard to possess. Let go of 'I' (easier said than done !), do
not think that your problem is the only worrisome thing in the whole world,
look around, look at people below you, smile, be very kind to others, don't be
critical, don't judge others, get into other's shoes, practice humility,
humility doesn't mean you have to let go of your self-worth and be low and
meek, humility is about making others feel very good in front of you. When you
start to reduce your self-importance and when you do not make others feel
uncomfortable in front of you (either by your pride or by your pain !) – B….
believe me you will not consider infertility as a biggest defect at all. YOU WILL
NEVER FEEL LIKE A FAILURE !
When my sister had her baby I am hurt - It is a
feeling of pain and happiness. It is a situation where you have to be very
happy yet cannot be. We hate ourselves at such times. I needed some time to see
the truth. When I see my mom talk about her grandsons all the time I feel so
happy - I thought the same like you - atleast she is happy by seeing them !
Please don't ever think that just because you
aborted a baby you are not having one now. It has absolutely no connection. If it
is so then a person who abuses child, who murders a child or who rapes a child
should not be able to have a baby ! It is not so in reality. Many people who do
heinous crime are very much fertile. Having a baby is not a blessing or a great
thing - definitely not ! Babies don't come because of God's blessing and lack
of God's blessing or his curse will not prevent you from having a baby. It is a
pure medical problem. What you did in your past has no connection to it B… We
are made to believe that creating a baby is a virtue ! Reproduction is just a
normal biological process – like digestion, respiration, excretion .... ! A baby becomes a blessing
only when it grows into a good human, does something useful to this world :)
It is great to have PCOS because women with
PCOS are highly fertile and produce many eggs :). This means you have high
chance of success with IVF. FET is much more successful than IVF so just keep
your spirits high, have healthy hopes - IVF needs few attempts. Live everyday
happily, write to me when you feel low, enjoy this journey - what joy will you
have when you get whatever you need! Just immerse yourself in the mystery of
this reproductive journey and look at everything with amazement :) B…, I am
sure you will succeed!
How old are you? Are you on Metformin for PCOS?
Is your thyroid normal? Please write to me all the details, let me see whether
I could be of some help.
Cheer up ! Smile now ...please ! :)
Lots and lots of love,
Manju
