How to cope with a failed IVF cycle ?

Question:

 Dear Manju,

 

I dont know where to begin. 

 

With great hope and faith I approached Dr. Malpani for donor egg ivf. As per schedule they retrived 12 eggs from the donor and 10 fertilised and out of these 9 were A grade embryos. My endo thickness on 10th day was 12 mm and on Day 14 they did the ET. 

 

During ET they transferred 3 good embryos- one morulla, one 10 cells and one 8 cells compacting. After two days we returned back home. After ET progynova and suppository continued. On day 7 of post ET I noticed little spotting. I thought it was implantation bleeding. But then next 2 days it continued and turned to pink/redish discharge. I asked the Dr. and he suggested me to double the dosage of progynova and suppository. But still the bleeding continued and on 11 day I started to wear pad ( Sorry for my language). I emailed to Dr and he suggested me to do the Hcg next day i.e., 12th day and it came -ve. (Today)

 

 I am upset and frustrated now. Dont know which path to take. I am not able to decide what to do now. I dont know what went wrong. Dr Sai, Ali and Dr. Malpani including me and my husband were very happy about the embryos. Dr. Anjali said " your endo thickness is good. why you are not getting pregnant. You should get pregnant this time" 

 

I dont know what went wrong? 

 Sorry I cannot continue.. 

 

Answer:

I feel your pain. I have gone through this pain for more than 7 times now and the most recent ordeal I went through is horrible. If I can be strong, you can be too. I agree it pains, just cry your heart out. This pain will subside. Take your time. Tomorrow will not be like today and one month later it will be much better ((((((( hugs)))))), lots and lots of. I wish I could be nearby you to hold your hands during this difficult time.

N, hope and faith can't help much with IVF success. You must have realistic expectations about IVF. Do you think women of younger age conceive in their first attempt (either in bedroom or during IVF)? Science of IVF is not fool proof. There are so many variables which needs to be perfect for implantation to occur and many of which are not in anyone's hand. The embryos must be good enough, your endometrium should be receptive (thickness of an endometrium doesn't say how receptive it is!), the ET has to be perfect and after transfer your embryos should grow and attach. It is just like a probability game. Since you are using donor eggs your chance of success was brighter and still is. When doing IVF, please give 3 tries – with the same clinic, provided you are confident about their competency and most importantly their ability to create good embryos. 60 % women conceive within 3 IVF cycles. The remaining 40 percent need more attempts and some never conceive - no one can pinpoint the reason! 

N, I am sorry that everyone's positive words have raised your hopes too high. Just because the embryologist says you have good embryos and just because your doctor says you have good endometrium, it doesn't mean you have 100 percent chance of success. Every IVF cycle gives you only 40 - 50 percent success even if everything looks perfect. I am sorry, really sorry I didn't know that you didn't expect a failure. Otherwise I would have warned you before.

I agree that the amount of money spent and the efforts made and the dreams you had will make coping difficult. All I can say is - do not give up! It is our ill fate that we have to undergo so much financial, emotional and physical pain to get a baby. All that we have in our hands is to make this journey as pleasant as possible. There is something to learn, there is something to expect for, there is something to be happy about, there is something to be proud of (who will be able to tolerate such a suffering!) even during this difficult journey. Use it to grow spiritually, enjoy your time with your husband, use this time to make your relationship stronger, develop more love for your life, and see everything with curiosity and amazement - this suffering then becomes somewhat pleasant. Never think a baby is the ultimate happiness. There are many ways to have a little one still, do not give up until you have exhausted all your options. Never fall into depression, take care of your life, never let your happiness slip out of your hands in your quest to have a baby. All will be well! 

I hope my words will help you, lessen your pain a bit.

Reply:

 

Dear Manju,

Thank you so much for your response and advice...I truly appreciate it. I especially like what you had to say about there being no mistakes in life, only lessons.

" All that we have in our hands is to make this journey as pleasant as possible. There is something to learn, there is something to expect for, there is something to be happy about, there is something to be proud of ( who will be able to tolerate such a suffering! ) even during this difficult journey."

I have never heard that before and I just love it. I am feeling much better now. I will stay in touch and let you know what we decide to do....probably going to take a break and then we'll see about it in June. It's tough to think about doing it all again....but I just need to remain strong and we will get through this.

Thanks and God bless you.