India is a male-dominated, child
(male child!)-obsessed society. When a couple faces infertility problem, women
are the ones who are blamed for their inability to get pregnant and not the
men. There are men who are reluctant to undergo infertility testing. There are
mother-in-laws who adamantly deny the fact that their son could be infertile.
According to them their daughter-in-laws are the sole reason for not begetting
a child. The position of infertile women in Indian society is highly pathetic.
They are generally viewed as pitiable and unfortunate women; as they are
missing motherhood. Indian society is so used to seeing women as baby-making
machines. People believe that womanhood is complete only when a woman gives birth
to a baby. As a result, when a woman fails in her reproductive function, she is
viewed as incomplete and flawed! All other positive assets of her are
considered useless or valueless. In certain parts of India infertile women are thought
to be possessed by evil spirits! There are people who do not invite
infertile women for auspicious functions. Because of the social stigma
associated with infertility, even educated women consider their infertility as
shameful! They think that their body is defective and they believe that because
of their past or present life sins they are cursed to suffer. They also believe
that infertility is a punishment from God. As a result, infertile women are
very reluctant to talk to anyone about their problem and sufferings. This in
turn creates enormous mental struggle and depression. No one dares to ask
Indian men why he is not able to have children but childless Indian women faces
ridicule from all walks of the society. In such an environment what should a
husband do to protect his wife’s emotional well-being?
The in-laws pose a major threat to
an infertile woman’s emotional safety. Although it is not always true, in 99%
of cases infertile women suffer in the hands of their in-laws. When a woman is
not educated or financially independent and when she has to live with her
in-laws, the suffering becomes intense and intolerable. She has to face verbal
attacks and in some rare instances even physical violence. But an infertile
Indian man is totally protected from these kinds of emotional assaults. In such
a circumstance, if your wife has fertility problem isn’t it your duty to
safe-guard her from your spiteful parents and siblings? The best way to protect
your wife is to tell your family that you have problems with your fertility and
not your wife! Is it that difficult to do this? If they understand that their son is the one
who is having a problem then they tend to treat their daughter-in-law well (at
least they do not hurt her!). This creates a peaceful environment at home both for
your wife and also for you!
In our case, my DH is very kind
and considerate enough to lie to his parents that the problem is with him. It
became very difficult for me when my mother-in-law started questioning each and
every week whether we are taking treatment, whether I am taking medicines
properly, when was my last menstrual cycle, so on and so forth. I started to
dread the telephone conversation with her and became very restless when
week-ends come. So my DH told them that, he is the one who is having problem
with his fertility. As a result of this many questions which made me
uncomfortable vanished! I do feel guilty within myself (isn’t it hard for any
parent to know that their offspring has fertility problem?) and I feel very
grateful for my DH’s understanding and kindness. Even though it appears very
selfish it has made our family life peaceful. I no longer get hurt after a
conversation with my mother-in-law and cry for the same. I no longer make my
DH’s life miserable by saying that your mom asked this and that. When there is
an intrusion from outsiders (yes, even your parents are outsiders when your
family life is concerned!) the infertility problem gets magnified several fold.
The stigma associated with
infertility tends to continue even after we get pregnant and give birth to a
child. Below is an example of this:
Recently I received an e-mail
from a couple who is awaiting the birth of their first child formed via IVF.
They are very happy but at the same time anxious about whether they should tell
their parents and the society, the science behind the creation of their bundle
of joy. They wrote ‘In India awareness about IVF is very less. People think
that IVF is a technique which is used for infertile couples who are unable to
produce their own eggs or sperms. The general belief among the public is, in
IVF technique, donor sperms or eggs are used (Thanks to Vicky Donor movie!). In
this situation is it even wise to tell them that we conceived our child via
IVF?’
In India, IVF is still very much a taboo
subject. Many people strongly hold on to their own fallacies and it is very
hard to explain them the scientific facts behind IVF! In this situation, what
will happen if the elders in the family think that the child doesn’t carry
their family genes? How will the society treat the child if they see the child
as multi-parental creation? Won’t it be a danger to the child’s emotional
safety? The man particularly wanted to know whether it is OK to tell his
parents about the complex IVF procedure. But his wife is very afraid and
reluctant to do so.
I could understand his wife's dilemma.
She is afraid whether her in-laws will accept the baby as one among them if
they have the notion that IVF technique is for couples who use donor eggs or
sperms. She is worried about her child’s emotional safety. It is very important
for a husband to respect her feelings. Even though they are his parents it is
not necessary that he tells them each and every happening in his life. Elders, because of the society in which they grew-up, have a very
conservative mind set. It is very hard to change them and make them see the
fact. Why should someone worry them with unwanted details? What are they
going to do by understanding the facts? It might lead to unnecessary chaos and worries! Let
the elders be happy on seeing their grandchild and it is not necessary that
they know the mode of creation of their grandchild!
When the child grows up, the
parents can tell the child, the science behind his/her formation at an appropriate
age. It is mandatory that the baby knows about his/her creation via the
parents and not through someone else who is ignorant about the process and can distort
the details! This can lead to enormous emotional suffering for the child.
If you are a person who is afraid
and depressed of infertility (and is reluctant to explore different treatment
options) because of the society in which you live in, my sincere advice would
be – you have only one life, live for yourself!
