How am I coping?

I am getting better each and everyday. In the beginning I didn’t think I would survive this crisis in my life. The first few days after losing my little ones were hell. The day after giving birth appeared surprisingly easy and peaceful. We slept well after a long time that night. There was definitely a sense of relief - relief from always having to be on bed rest; relief from having to take all the medicines; relief from the fear of losing them; relief from uncertainty ; and relief from praying and hoping all the time. There was a sense of peace which arose from letting them go after the struggle. Everything has ended and that was it!

The days which followed were unbearably painful. I had an empty uterus and empty hands too! My heart was unable to tolerate the emptiness it felt. I was afraid to see myself in the mirror. How can I see myself without a full belly - the belly which we were so proud of! I was afraid to keep my hands on my belly while earlier I was unable to keep my hands off my belly. I wanted to forget my little ones as much as I wanted to remember them. Feeble cries of a baby elsewhere made me want to run and hug it. I really longed for the warmth of a little one. I was struggling inside - won’t someone give me an infant so that I can pour all my love and affection I had stored so patiently for my little ones.

The most painful part is not losing my little ones but seeing my DH suffer. I saw him break down, I saw him cry. I wished I could remove his pain. I wished I had not been in his life. I hated myself for causing him such suffering. Wouldn’t his life been better if he had married someone else? When I was pregnant I saw a mother in him. He took care of me and his two little ones more than any mother would take care of her children. He carried so much love for the little ones. I am sure he is the best dad in this world and best husband too. I fell in love with him all over again.

I was in the grip of guilt and fear. There are people who knowingly or unknowing made my guilt worse with their assumptions: ‘Manju, you should stopped working; you should have gone to India; if you had been sensible you would have opted for a single embryo transfer; you should have accepted the cerclage’ – how easy it is to advise someone when we are not in their shoes! The guilt that I wasn’t able to protect my little ones haunted me.

I was in enormous fear and I still am. I saw the impermanence of life. I saw how fragile our dreams are. When we hear of death elsewhere, it rarely has a strong impact on us. We routinely read about deaths in newspapers; we hear about earth quakes and tsunamis taking away thousands of lives at a time. We easily forget this news, and get inured to it. Even a death in a neighbour’s home doesn’t have that much of an effect on our views on life. But once we have personally glimpsed death, it shatters us. The only undeniable truth in this world is that we will all die and we all have an expiry date. It is easier for me to accept that I have an expiry date but I couldn’t digest the fact that all my loved ones have an expiry date too. Sooner or later , they will depart , leaving me alone. I am still fighting with this truth in my mind, the most horrible truth. How will I overcome this fear? Will I ever be able to get over it?

My next post will talk about spirituality of suffering.