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| Resilience |
IVF can be a financially, physically
and emotionally draining process. It can be extremely stressful for most people,
and while a little stress is useful in coping with life’s difficult moments, too
much stress can be paralysing.
What makes the IVF process so
stressful?
- IVF treatment is costly!
- It is a time-consuming process
- The outcome of an IVF cycle is always uncertain
- Women undergoing IVF treatment have to take lots of drugs mostly in the form of injections. The physical and mental changes caused by such hormones (drugs) can be stressful for many.
- Low success rate (40-50%) per cycle
- The taboo associated with the IVF process
- Social pressure of being infertile and the need to prove yourself by having to succeed in the IVF cycle!
- A failed IVF cycle can cause enormous emotional pain and psychological damage
Going through IVF needs lot of
emotional resilience. Even people who are
mentally tough find it hard to cope with IVF roller-coaster ride! If you are
someone who is not resilient by nature, the IVF process can cause significant
damage to your personality. I have heard about women who attempted suicide
after a failed IVF cycle. Marriages have broken up because couples were unable
to bear the stress the IVF process placed on their relationship. Many couples
become demoralized and give up completely. But, I have also seen couples who
bonded more strongly because of their IVF journey. Some couples underwent
several IVF cycles with ease and confidence, before their baby dreams finally
came true. What contributes to this difference?
Learning to
‘bounce back’ to your original mental shapeafter an IVF failurewill help you to
lead a normal life and will also help you to prepare for the next IVF cycle. Are
you someone who has fallen prey to hopelessness and depression because of
undergoing an IVF process? Don’t you think it wise
to be resilient and fight for your baby dreams than to give up the process
prematurely and regret it for the rest of your life later on? Is it possible to undergo this IVF
roller-coaster ride without falling into the quicksand of negative emotions
which drain all your energies? The answer is; yes it is possible! Below are a
few tips which helped me to cope with this emotional roller-coaster - and I wish
these will help you too to acquire emotional resilience so you have a pleasant IVF
journey!
I am a woman
who had undergone several IVF cycles without a baby in hand! After the first few
failed cycles, I was torn apart emotionally.
I did suffer from low self-esteem, anger, crying spells and depression.
Life seemed to have lost its lustre. But, at some point, I realised that this
attitude is not going to help me. There were two options in front of me:
I can feel sorry for myself, make my
life and my partner’s life miserable, blame my destiny, fall into the grip of
depression, and shut myself from the outer world and give-up the entire
baby-making process.
(OR)
I decided to
take the second route and that has made a wonderful difference in my life! It
gave me the courage to undergo the next IVF cycle with much more ease. I agree
that every failed IVF cycle is still hard to face but I have now acquired the
ability to bounce back much more quickly and with much more determination than
before. I wish every couple undergoing IVF learns to be mentally tough so that
this journey becomes a little easier.
How to acquire
emotional resiliency in order to cope with the IVF roller coaster ride?
1)
Be well-informed!
Remember-
knowledge is power! Acquiring knowledge about the IVF process will preserve
your emotional well-being. The difference between going through an IVF process
with and without knowledge is like crossing a busy road with and without
vision. Understanding the intricacies of the process will make you feel less
scared, more confident and will also help you to take control of your
situation. This in turn will make you feel strong and powerful, rather than
weak and powerless. Knowledge of the process will also help you to accept the
unexpected twists and turns inherent in an IVF cycle (for example, the ovaries
might not react as expected to the stimulation, there can be fertilization
failure, the embryos might fail to divide etc). This will prevent you from
feeling betrayed and hopeless when the cycle does not go as per your desire!
When you are ignorant about the process, you tend to strongly believe that a
failed IVF cycle is your body’s fault - or your doctor’s. As a result you lose
confidence in the entire process, and going through more cycles becomes
impossible. This puts an end to your baby dreams. While it is true that
ignorance is bliss, such bliss can turn into a curse when your cycle fails! So gain
enough knowledge in order to prevent an emotional breakdown when going through
IVF.
2)
Have realistic expectations
When
I started my first IVF cycle I was full of unrealistic expectations. I read
only the success stories on the internet. I thought I will end up with several
eggs and many embryos. I believed that I will easily get pregnant. But
everything went against my expectations. I had only 3 eggs collected during my
first IVF and had only one embryo for transfer. Even though the second IVF
ended in a pregnancy, I suffered a miscarriage. I was not prepared for any of this.
I had naively expected only the best to happen, and I was not prepared for the
worst! This took a toll on my mental strength and I was totally shattered! So
when undergoing an IVF cycle please prepare yourself for the worst. Do not
expect that your cycle will end up with many eggs and embryos. Do not think
that you will get pregnant in a single cycle. Do not start dreaming of your
potential baby immediately after the embryo transfer (I know it is difficult!).
Although it might sound pessimistic, this is hard-earned wisdom from an IVF veteran!
It is wise to be pessimistic than to be foolishly optimistic and fall into
depression. Having realistic expectations will help you safe guard your peace
of mind and also will help you cope better with failure.
3)
Accept the fact that life isn’t fair
always!
The
emotional impact of a failed IVF cycle can be disastrous. ‘I am a good person, I haven’t done any harm
to anyone, I have spent all my hard-earned money for this process, I am so fond
of children, I prayed to God everyday and why did this happen to me? Why did
God punish me?’ These are the question which will haunt you after a failed IVF cycle.
Remember that life isn’t fair and it doesn’t have to be! Just like good things
happen to bad people, bad things will happen to good people. When you want
everything to be fair in your life you are prone to several heartbreaks. When
you accept the fact that life isn’t always fair, you will learn to cope with a
failed IVF cycle too.
4) Weed out negative emotions
Life
is a collection of emotions. You are perceived as what you emote. Healthy
emotions will help you to stay strong and happy while unhealthy emotions can
cause serious harm to your mental well-being. Infertility plants fear,
mistrust, lack of confidence, hatred, envy, worthlessness, depression in you. IVF
is the last resort for any infertility patient. So, when you start your IVF
journey you are already tormented by all these negative emotions. Most IVF
patients carry emotional baggage filled with all these harmful feelings. IVF is
a very stressful process and carrying all the unwanted sentiments in your mind
will corrode your positive spirit which can be a very valuable tool when going
through this stressful process! When an IVF cycle fails, such people tend to
break down completely. The first thought that will come to their mind is – I
failed even in my last resort to have my baby, and this in turn adds to the
mental stress and strain! But if you are wise enough to weed out these negative
emotions and plant positive emotions in their place, you will feel better and
the persons around you will feel better too! How can we do that? The answer is
simple – Learn to live in the present! Learn to experience the happiness within
you! Happiness is the best antidote for weeding out negative emotions. If you
decide to stay happy, nothing else can prevent you - not even the stress of
IVF. Happiness creates an aura of positive energy around you and every other
positive emotion like hope, optimism, compassion, gratitude, empathy, serenity,
interest, and love will sprout within you. You should realise that it’s not
because of infertility that you are unhappy; you decided to be unhappy because
of your infertility! The happier you are, the less stress you will feel. This
will help you to balance your mind and cope with the ups and downs of an IVF
cycle. Remember the quote “No medicine cures what happiness cannot.”
5) Express yourself!
The
best way to be stress free is to be expressive.
Many couples undergoing IVF do not have the chance to express their
fears and concerns, their struggles and heart-breaks! Infertility is still
viewed as a social stigma in many countries. As a result of this, many couples
are reluctant to talk about what they are going through. This causes serious emotional
distress. When you are going through IVF,find a way to vent your emotions in an
honest and constructive manner. My way of relieving stress is to write what I
am going through. Maintaining a blog has helped me a lot. Sharing your feelings
with people who are in a similar situation has an immense positive effect on
you emotional well-being. You will feel good when you realise that you are not
alone! Internet is a boon for infertile couples. You can get access to so many
infertility bulletin boards and the good thing about such online support groups
is - you can remain anonymous and at the same time express your fears,
concerns, anger, happiness and what not! This helps to relieve you from your
stress when undergoing an IVF cycle. So be expressive to come out of the IVF
blues!
6) Do your duty and also learn to accept
the fruits of it!
Bhagavad Gita, the ancient Hindu scripture states that "Do your
duty and let not the fruits of
action be your motive’’.
Can anyone even function without expecting the fruits of their action? When you
get hungry you eat – you expect the hunger to be quenched! Likewise, when you think of each and every
action you perform in your life, there will be an expectation hidden behind it!
We undergo an IVF cycle expecting that we will get pregnant and have our baby.
Actually, ‘A BABY’ is the driving force for performing the action (IVF
treatment!). So, what does the preaching of Bhagavad Gita mean? When you
perform an action to the best of your
ability then you should learn to accept both the success and failure as if they are one and the same. If we IVF
patients keep this in mind throughout our journey we will learn to accept the
positive and negative result without losing our sanity! The decision to go
through an IVF treatment is in our hand, but not the outcome. When the outcome of an action is not in our hand,
it is not wise to worry and get depressed about it. Easier said than done but
it is the wisest advice available to build our emotional resiliency! Below is an
excerpt from a book called The Genius of Dhyaneshwar! If you are interested to
know more about this book please see follow this link: http://blog.drmalpani.com/2009/03/genius-of-dnyaneshwari.html
For some reason if you fail
There is no reason for you to
wail
If you succeed
Well and good
If you fail
Also good
Whatever you do
Give it to ‘that’
Done your bit
That is what
7) Shed tears for other’s suffering
Be
empathetic! Empathy is the most beautiful of all human emotions. It makes you
feel good about yourself because it brings people closer to you. The more connected
you are with people, the better you will feel during the IVF journey. Empathy will
also help you to see this world in a broader perspective. Infertility is hard
but there are harder sufferings in this world, and lots of people go through
such struggles everyday. When your mind is totally occupied with thoughts like
‘I am suffering, I am the victim, and I am unfortunate’, you get lost in your
personal miseries which then get magnified, because you are focussing only on
them. You fail to notice what other people are going through. Forget your pain
for some time and take time to experience other’s pain. This will open a new
world in front of you. You will realize that you are several times more fortunate
than many other people in this world. Your IVF journey will appear lot easier
and the pain of failure will become much more bearable. As a result you will
bounce back to normal quicker and much stronger!
8) Consider yourself as a survivor of
infertility rather than a victim
I
went through a miscarriage after getting success in my 2nd IVF cycle;
it was the most painful period of my life. Miscarriage after infertility can be
very devastating. When I was depressed I always thought ‘why me?’ ‘When most women
get pregnant naturally and have children, why do I have to go through so many
struggles to experience this joy in my life?’ When I thought all my struggles had
finally come to an end, miscarriage came as another big blow to my mental
integrity. I felt I am a victim of fate and infertility. I considered myself as
a very unfortunate person who is cursed to suffer. But when I came out of the trauma,
the entire view of my miscarriage experience changed. I even felt proud that I
have survived it. I felt very thankful for each and every blessing in my life.
The aftermath of pain is very positive; it allowed me to perceive and receive even
the simplest joy with so much gratitude. I
realised nothing has gone out of my control - there is always a plan B if plan
A doesn’t work! It is OK to grieve for a short period of time but if you always
see yourself as a victim of a traumatic event you lose the most essential
ingredient in life – HOPE! When your IVF cycle fails, consider yourself as a
survivor of that trauma rather than a victim. This will give you enough
strength and hope to explore further options.
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