Every IVF cycle is like a
roller-coaster ride – they are scary as well as exciting! As you get used to
it, you will learn to enjoy the fun and suspense. Beware, it can be addictive
too! I wonder whether women (including me) who go through IVF get addicted to
the thrill of it. I find no other sane
explanation for going through it again and again. Of course, the urge to reproduce,
to propagate one’s own genes, does play a major role in going through this
insane IVF journey. Few months ago, I was so sure that, I will
never go through a fresh cycle again. I was in so much pain and everything
appeared scary. But, spending some time in India, in the warmth of loved ones was enough to get back the Manju I
lost. Thinking of crossing the bridge was fearful, but when I came near it, I
got the courage to do my best.
I wondered and wondered why I
wanted to use donor eggs in the first place. There were several reasons. This
IVF journey is eating up our normal life. All we are doing for several years is to wage war against infertility. I think, we forgot, how a normal life would be!
On the other hand, I would rate our life as very interesting when compared to
most other people. It is painful at times, but extremely challenging too. We
learn a lot about life because of our infertility struggle. I thought, we have
learned too much already (which is not too good too :), and I just want this
struggle to end as quickly as possible in a pleasant manner, so that we can
move on to the next stage of life. I am already 36, and one of my biggest fears
is, the possibility of high risk of miscarriage and begetting a child with genetic defect when
using my own eggs (although still the possibility of such happening is not extremely
high!) I thought, if using donor eggs could reduce miscarriage rate and give us
a higher change of having a healthy baby, why not go for it? Afterall, I and
Rajender want a baby to make our life more interesting, we badly want to
nurture our parenting instinct before it vanishes with age. You might ask why
not adopt then, we tried. We did go to an adoption agency in Madurai (Grace
Kennet foundation) to collect details. When we asked about international
adoption, the response was, it will take many years. For domestic adoption, we
have to live in India for a year and then we are eligible to apply for adoption.
If we apply, it might take another couple of years to actually finalize the entire
process! Rajender went with so much expectation and when we came out of the
adoption agency I could see his forlorn expression. After we lost our twins,
the longing to have a little one in our life as early as possible is very
high for Rajender too. He was able to
quench his paternal instinct by the company of little ones in our family and
immediate neighborhood.
I started preparing for another
ovarian stimulation. Dr. Malpani asked me to measure my AMH and AFC. Two and a
half years before my AMH was 1.8 ng/ml. I was wondering what will it be now!
When I started my IVF journey it was in between 4.5-3.5 ng/ml. One fine
morning, I went with my mom to a nearby lab (Thyrocare) to give my blood for
measuring AMH. I also asked them to measure my Vit D and TSH. I waited for the results anxiously.
I called Rajender and told him
not to expect much out of this IVF cycle. I said, I am much older now and I
have no idea how I will respond to stimulation. Perhaps, I might produce only a
few eggs. Might be, we will not have enough embryos to grow to blastocyst stage.
Who knows, I might not respond at all! I told him, be prepared for everything. He
knows about me and how negative I could get. He thinks I am pessimistic, but I
think I am cautiously optimistic and it helps me a lot to accept whatever comes my way.
Two days later my AMH results
came. As I expected it was such a poor value. When I sent the results to
Dr.Malpani, he sent me a sad smiley in return! My Vit D was 12 ng/ml and the
normal range was 20 ng/ml (and this is after my skin enjoying lots of Indian
sun!)
MY AMH WAS A MERE 0.6ng /ml :(
