This is an e-mail which I received from one of my virtual friend. I had tears when I finished reading it. She has penned very beautifully what she went through during her IVF journey. This letter will be very useful for other patients, and for IVF doctors as well. Many more women should come forward to share what they go through during the IVF process. I wish San a very beautiful life ahead and may all her wishes come true !
Hi,
I never share what I feel throughout
my ivf journey with anyone. It’s very difficult to express in words...But my
experience is not that long and terrific like others. When I read other women
experience on Ivf forums, I feel mine is nothing. But the impact of this short
learning period is much deeper in my heart. I thought after marriage everybody
gets pregnant easily. I never saw a couple struggling for baby at my native
place. Never heard of this word IVF...I was completely unknown about these
infertility treatments. But six months after marriage I feel that I need a
baby. I was thinking why not happening .Started reading on internet how to get
pregnant fast J... Waited for one year. As I am 29
and habby is 36 year old. So I convinced my hubby for regular basic check up.
He was not ready for that. I had done ultrasound scan for first time in my
life.I felt so awkward .Dr told me that there was a uterine polyp of 1cm.and
ovary seems polycystic. I asked my dr. Is this a reason for not getting
pregnant? She said not sure...But it has to be removed. My hubby’s SA test was
scheduled but he thought first we will do this procedure ...I think we should
have been taken opinion of other doctors also. But my hubby was not involved in
this process. I went alone for scan also. He thought that I should wait for a
year or so. Polyp had been removed successfully .My mother was with me that
time and She was shocked, we also.
Then our doctor told us to try for a
baby soon after the procedure then she added it might take one and half year.We
tried but unsuccessful .Then I forced my hubby for SA test. His report was also
not great. Low motility, morphology .Only 16 million counts. In that abnormal
count is more. She said it is sufficient for pregnancy but It will take
time.Conceiveing naturally with this count is little difficult. She gave lots
of medicine to both of us. But after few months we visited her again.That time
she suggested us IUI with injection and medicines. Before IUI procedure we
found in SA test that my DH’s count was 13 million only after taking so much of
vitamin tablet. From that moment my DH skipped all the medicine. That was fine
for me.
Her clinic was ok but she didn’t have that
proper OT table for procedure. Overall procedure was very uncomfortable and
painful for me .That was a first failed IUI cycle. After that we took a 4
months gap. My husband promised me that he will maintained good and healthy
lifestyle to improve sperm quality...after reading on internet that some women
got positive result in their second or third try of iui I decided to go for
second try. Before taking a meds I confirmed twice from DR that my DH count was
sufficient for iui. Her answer was yes. But just after the procedure she said
that quality and quantity is not good enough for iui .Then she gave SA report
to me. I saw value in that report was same which mentioned in previous report.
I didn’t understand if she knew it before the procedure that this much count
was not sufficient then why she made us to spent 20 k for it. It was also
failed cycle. Then I was telling my hubby that we should change our doctor. I
searched on internet But I didn’t find any good doctor in Bangalore...Every Dr. Profile had bad review.
I was so confused. My DH was not with me in this search operation.He told me
whatever u decides I will do it.
My hubby thinks now also that all are
fake reports or lack of valid theory and there is no problem in his count. He
thinks something is wrong with my uterus acceptance.And whenever I showed our report to
any doctor in Bangalore
.They said that there is problem in my hubby’s count. I can be pregnant but not
sure .But I don’t want to listen about the problem that he has I want solution
because I love him I want a baby from him.
Because of all this I quit my job I
thought work pressure was not good in a conceiving stage .I was working with
Animation Company in Bangalore...Mine
was love marriage but it was arranged by our family .They are not happy from
us. We thought everything will be fine when we will have a baby but after this
infertility struggle for 4 years without anybody’s support I was so frustrated
and I started blaming myself and my hubby. I told him so many times that
because of him I am facing this trouble and we married without our parents’
wish that’s because their blessing was not with us. But after talking like this
with him I felt bad all the time...He loves me so much that he never complained about my behaviour
and listened silently all my crap words.
After a year we decided to go for an
ivf .My hubby supported me in this decision because it was our last option and
Doctor was same because my hubby thought that she knew my previous medical
history. She established her new clinic very well. When I visited her for first
scan she told me that she brought new machine for scan and that detected blood
flow towards uterus is very minimal in my case. With her new machine this
sentence was also new for me. I was shocked. She told me to do lots of test.
She did HSG test (without anaesthesia) and that was unbearable for me .But good
news was my both tubes were open. I read
about test meaning on internet. After investigating so much about ivf on net I
found that there was some unnecessary test (TB test of uterus that cost
3k).When I asked her about it in my next visit she scolded me literally that Reading on net can cause
stress and it reduced chances of getting pregnant. My hubby also thought the
same. He supported her thinking and told me to stop reading in front of her. I
was quite. She gave so much meds and told us that we had 60 to 70 % chances of
conceiving via ivf as my optimal fertility rate and my egg quality was very
good. But she was not talking about blood flow towards uterus. In second scan
she told me everything is good. I asked
her” how is my uterine blood flow?” She said there is nothing which can cause
any problem in pregnancy” and she added stop reading on net and told my hubby
to disconnect net connection...Her behaviour was strange. But I was collecting
information because all these things and terms were new for me. I should know
everything. But my hubby had a faith that she was a brilliant dr. and I should
not question her. As she completed her study from London
and she had an experience of ivf in Australia.
I was person who scared of injections
.I avoided injection so many times in my life .But this time I was happily
ready for it. She gave minimal dose of meds because my body is sensitive .That
was not minimal for me daily three injection in tummy and that was so painful.
After a few days she told me that there was a concern of hyper stimulation in
my case because my body was over reacting with minimal meds. She collected 16
eggs and out of that 12 fertilised...embryo quality was also very good (grade
A). She was decided to transfer one embryo in same cycle. But we wanted to
transfer two to increase the chances. She was not ready for that, but I forced
her. After the transfer I was on complete bed rest as she recommended at least
for one week. I was so positive and happy in those two weeks. But after two
weeks I got negative resultL. I was shocked and angry
also. After taking so much medicines, blood tests and scans how it is possible.
On the same day 6 ET was done, out of that no one got positive result. Staff
told me this. I thought there was something wrong from doctor’s end. Dr. told me I had a beautiful 6 frozen
embryos so try next time. She didn’t have any sad feeling for me. I cried for 4
days. My habby was also upset. But I realised he felt bad because he spent more
than 2lakh and got nothing.
After a month of gap DR planned for
FET. On the ET day we were waiting for our turn. Nobody was informing us what
happened. Why she was taking so much time to transfer. She kept us waiting for
5 hours. She said embryos were not enlarging properly...She was not telling the
truth. She told us to come on next day. In this treatment I knew timing was
very important. I didn’t understand why she kept those embryos for one night. .
I knew that vitrification process takes close to 45 minutes to enlarge. She
told me on next day that I lost my two embryos while thawing. When we inquired
her staff about her embryologist we got to know that she was on leave. My dr’s
husband was a specialist in allergy who thawed my embryos. He was very rude
person. He was in charge of medical and embryology department. I was aware of
thawing process. Out of ten embryos one might not survive in the thawing
process .but two 5 day grade A embryo we lost. We were so angry that time .why
didn’t she appointed any other embryologist. When we asked her she said,”it’s a
very easy process anybody can do this”. My husband scolded on her .He shouted
on other staff also. It was so Irritating and frustrating moment for us. But we
controlled our anger because our rest 4 embryos were in that clinic.
Next day I went alone for transfer
because my husband was very angry and I didn’t want any more quarrels in
clinic. This time she was angry she called me in her cabin and said, “I will
pack your embryos, take it and get your transfer done in any other clinic”. I
managed that situation anyhow and convinced her for transfer. I was so
disappointed I literally cried in front of her. She promised me that if this
cycle failed she will give me free ivf cycle because she had soft corner for
me. I think that’s because my face looks innocent. This time she
transferred two embryos.That ended up in a negative result after so much drama.
We lost faith from this treatment. I
told to Doctor that for my last two embryo transfer I was not going to do any
blood test this time. After 2 to 3 scan, very less medicine, no blood test and
she was ready to transfer 2 embryos. On the day of ET when I asked about the
embryo quality she said one was good but other was small. But while telling
this she was not looking at me. She was lying. Because I was on OT table for 20
minutes before transfer and she was observing the embryos with her husband. I
was able to see her from OT table. I thought again she did something wrong and
hiding it from me. At the time of transfer I could see only one embryo on that
screen clearly. She didn’t take money from us. That cycle also failed.
But this time I didn’t cry. When I
told her about my negative result she sms me that she will give one free ivf
cycle. I didn’t reply to that massage.
I am looking for new job now. While
searching something I saw your blog. I read all the articles. As I am an artist
I am little sensitive. I cried. Most of your feeling and thoughts are just like
mine. I also love cats. I have three cats at my hometown. After reading your
blog I feel guilty about my husband. I tortured him. I insulted him so many
times .Because of me he kept himself away from his parents for one year. We
haven’t seen my sister in laws’ 2 year baby. We missed all family functions
purposely. He scarifies a lot of things. Already he suffered a lot in life. He
has three sisters he arranged their marriages and their baby’s first birthdays
also. He has so much bank loan. He hasn’t done anything for himself. We leave
in rented apartment .I don’t want to trouble him now. He is fond of cars. So
instead of wasting money on this I allow him to buy brand new car. His
happiness while driving a car is more important than my baby desire. I don’t
want to compare happiness with baby from now. I will live each day happily.
Your blog changed my mind completely.
When I share my feeling about life and baby with my husband .I can see
happiness in his eyes. Because he wants to see me happy. One thing I like about
you that your mother understands you. You can share your feelings with her. But
in my case I can’t share anything with her...whenever she called me before
asking about me she asks about my period and every time she tells me a new name
of women who recently got pregnant.
Thanks,
San.
