On the day of my first
ultrasound, I entered the clinic. I am no more a stranger there (but it is not
so amusing to visit an infertility clinic often); people were greeting me with
a smile. I sat there waiting for my turn to be scanned. I could hear Dr’s voice in
his consulting room. I was looking at the baby pictures on the walls as usual.
I started to think of my children. I dreamed of bringing them both to the
clinic, to meet everyone who took part in creating them. I always imagined how
happy those moments would be, but, now, I am sitting in that same place with
empty arms and an aching soul! Suddenly all my happiness vanished, I felt gloomy;
an unknown fear gripped me strongly. I felt miserable. I wondered what I am
doing there! Like in snake and ladder game, I was back to square one when I was
thinking that my destination is at arm’s reach. I realized the cruel joke life
played on me much more intensely at that moment! I had tried 6 long years to achieve my dream and
suddenly it was taken away from me in the most unfair manner. What is the
guarantee that such a thing will not happen again? How long will I be able to
play this IVF roulette? Why I am not provided with the ease and security of
normal conception? What is the guarantee that I will produce enough eggs and
embryos, what is the guarantee that I will become pregnant again? Even if pregnancy happens, will I have a
healthy child in hand? What gave me the courage to try this stupid stuff all
over again? My eyes started to tear. I tried hard to concentrate on my smart
phone. Dr came out of his room, and I tried even hard not to look at him. I was
sure that, if I do so, I will cry. I expected that he will greet me, say hi and
ask how I am. But he just carried on with his work. That was even more hurting.
He didn’t even say hi! It brought more tears.
Dr. Anjali came. She was as
cheerful as always. She gave me a warm smile as she entered her room. Sister
Mary called me in. The moment I entered in, I broke down. I started to cry. I
felt embarrassed but I had no control over my crying spell. Dr. Anjali did the scan;
she said that everything looks fine and showed me the growing follicles. There
were many. There was one follicle which was well ahead of the others. I was a bit
worried whether this lead follicle will suppress the other small ones. But,
there is nothing more I can do than to just wait and watch. Dr. Anjali called
Rajender inside and explained him the scan picture. I was asked to continue the
same dose of menogon (300 IU) Dr. Anjali said, ‘we are sorry, it was really an
unlucky happening. We were shocked when we heard about your loss’. She asked
me, ‘is it still painful?’ I replied, ‘this place is painful for me, I have
gotten over it (really!) and sometimes the pain is unavoidable’. She said, ‘try
to forget it and move on’. I smiled and came out of the room. We went to the
reception to buy some medicines.
Rajender was looking at me. He
understood that I cried. He asked me what happened. That was enough to
trigger my crying episode again. He was so used to this. I just went on
shedding tears. He said, ‘Manju, there are people around you, stop crying’. I
told, 'Dr didn’t even talk to me’. He said , ‘didn’t you see, he is busy’. I
replied, ‘but how much of his time will be wasted if he asks me how I am!’
Rajender said, 'when you went out of the room, Dr came outside, he did greet me'.
My sobbing got even more uncontrollable, ‘see, he did talk to you but he didn’t
talk to me’. He looked at me as if I was mad and he realized too it was a waste
of time talking to me, consoling me. Sister Lizzy gave me that day’s injection. I
haven’t stopped crying yet. She was curious to know what is going on. She asked
me, ‘aren’t you responding well to medicines, aren’t your follicles growing?’ She
said, ‘don’t worry; you have taken medicines just for four days’. I told her that
my follicles were growing nicely. She looked at Rajender. He was forced to
respond and he said, 'she is crying because Dr didn’t talk to her'. For the first
time I came to my senses, felt ashamed. I stopped him in between and said,
'nothing sister, I am a bit depressed'. She told that it is very normal to feel
so because of all the medicines I was taking, might be she was right! She consoled me by saying, do
not worry, all will be well. I said to myself, 'yes, all will be well!'
We came out of the clinic. I
wanted to go to marine drive, so we went and sat there. I was getting back
to normal. My fears eased a lot. The vast, roaring sea always brings calmness
within me. I was watching the huge crowd in that area. There were so many
different people and everyone must be having their own world filled with
struggles and happiness. I was thinking, what for should I worry. I am
following my dream and that makes my life interesting. Life is more beautiful
when there is a challenge to face. I must be proud of myself; I am strong even after
going through so much. Living in the present moment is the best thing I can do.
I don’t know what tomorrow holds for me. I do have problems in life like
everyone else and I have learned a great deal out of it. Those lessons have
helped me to enjoy life even better. Hard times in life have taught me many
things than any of my good times. Struggles are what that gives definition to
my life.
During the days which followed, I had two more scans. My
follicles grew luxuriously and there were many too. My only concern was that of
the fast growing follicle. Dr. Anjali said that, it might be just a cyst and we
might not get an egg out of it. I was thankful that it didn’t hinder the growth
of other follicles. The second time when I went for scan, Dr was not there in
the clinic. So there were less patients around. I and Rajender had time to have a hearty chat
with Dr. Anjali. I told Dr. Anjali how difficult it was for me when Rajender tries
to control what I eat too during IVF times. He doesn’t even want me to
eat papaya when stimming, and I love that fruit. Even worse, for breakfast, in
the hotel we stayed, they always have that colorful fruit. Whenever I pick a
bowl of it, Rajender gets restless. He believes that it enhances body heat and it
might interfere with the cycle. I have tried to make him see the truth, I told
him how nutritious it was, I even fought with him but I could never get back
the joy of eating my bowl of papaya. Dr. Anjali was kind enough to explain him
why he must allow me to do what I like. She said, ‘the more stress you put on
her, it is not good for her during this time. I believe that stress do play an
important role in hindering IVF success, but, Dr. Malpani might not agree with this’.
This is enough to put my dear hubby at ease. The next day I took an extra large
bowl of papaya and sat in front of him. I ate to my heart’s content and he was not
bothered too, atleast he tried hard to act as if he was not bothered :) Not only that, he allowed
me to eat whatever I wanted thereafter. He was also extra nice to me the entire
cycle and I must thank Dr. Anjali for that :)
The day of egg retrieval
approached very fast. I took menogon only for nine days. For the last two days
I took 450 IU of menogon. This cycle was somehow much easier. I never obsessed
about the number and size of follicles. I never asked Dr.Anjali how many eggs I
might get. I just took each day as it was; neither did I expect anything
miraculous, nor was I fearful. I had copious amount of EWCM and my estrogen
rose very nicely. This put my mind at ease.If I remember correctly my estrogen
was 2000 plus (pg/ml) before I took the trigger shot (hCG). On the day of egg
retrieval I was eagerly waiting to go under anesthesia and I just love it!
