A letter from a fellow woman ...

I received this letter recently from one of my blog reader.I could totally understand what she is going through and I am sure many of you will too ! It is very important for women who go through infertility to find a way to let out their bottled up emotions. Clamming up all your emotions can play havoc in the long run. There is always help around, you just need to know how to ask for it and get the support you need. I hope this letter and the reply helps some of you too. Let us support each other during our difficult times !

Hi Manju,

My name is B.... I got your email id thru one of your comments section. I have been commenting on your recent two posts under Anonymous with signature Cheers, B

 I don’t even know why I am writing this mail to you. I guess I just need to vent out my feelings which I am bottling up inside without the fear of being judged. I totally understand if I don’t get a reply back given that you should be experiencing these initial early days filled with happiness. I am married to my college sweetheart and have been TTC for 6 years now. I am a very private person when it comes to sharing my inner feelings. I am an expert in clamming up my worries from people around me. There is so much of hidden pearls in your blog..for ex: carrying other peoples problem in your mind like...my mother can’t have a grandchild etc... I lost my father when I am little and since then it is amma who brought us up single handedly. So in a way I feel I owe only happiness to amma. And I feel I am a big failure. Whenever I call amma, only one thing is on her mind - baby. That is why from calling everyday it is reduced to weekly once call. My younger bro married last year, and recently had a baby girl and I was over the moon. I was happy at least my mom as one grandchild now. I got married very young and within 2 months we found I was pregnant. We weren’t really thinking much then, so with joint decision we terminated the baby, later thinking when we are ready we can have them, and now part of me is still stuck in that moment. Whenever I see a 6-7 year old child I think, my baby would have been such height now. This is killing me slowly and my husband is least aware of my thought process. I have now PCOS. This year we went thru our 1st IVF and though everything went thru like a textbook example, it was unsuccessful. Here in UK NHS for the very 1st time they put only 1 embryo. Totally they retrieved 14 eggs out of which 6 survived. Now for FET they would put 2 embryos probably next month.

 I am surprised I have written this much. I think I am slowly getting into depression.

Sorry if I have spammed your inbox manju. That was not my intention.

 Cheers, B

Dearmost B...,

I am moved to tears after reading your mail. How honestly you have written it, you have vented all your fears! ((((hugs)))). I understand you and your pain - I completely know how you feel. B…, you are not alone, every woman who struggles with infertility is more or less the same. I am just a reflection of you and your thoughts, that is why you find comfort in reading my blog.

I am so happy that you have decided to talk to me; to let your feelings out. It will help a lot. I am sure when writing this mail you were in tears, and now you feel a lot better. I am exactly like you B…, I talk a lot but never, ever shared my pain with anyone before I started to write this blog. More I wrote, more verbally expressive I became too. I learned to share my pain at least with a few people, mostly with women like you who write about their problem. It gave me so much solace.

I could understand when you talk about your amma. My dad is no more too and my mom lives with my old granddad. In the beginning I used to vent my pain to her and it made her cry. At one point, I stopped telling my pains to her. I too started to call my mom less frequently-the sole reason for it is, not to make her uncomfortable with my crying spells and desperateness. I think it must be the same with you too. The reason why you are not calling your mom is, you are afraid of her pain.

B…, you are not a failure. Do you think every person who suffer in life is just a failure ? Unfortunately, the society in which we are brought up has instilled this mentality in our mind. A very comfortable, happy human (a person who is self-sufficient in everything) is thought to be an ideal person and is believed to be in the complete grace of God. Because of this many humans strive hard to appear "all is well" and cover up their suffering. Since very less people are open about their personal suffering, we think we are the only ones who suffer and silently bear the brunt of our pain !

Suffering doesn't equate failure; suffering means betterment and a more stronger 'YOU'. Suffering is a part of every life B... It tames our ego. In the beginning it hurts, but once you understand that suffering is what shapes you and helps you to be humane, you will not get depressed. You will understand that it is part of everyone's life and we all grow via that. The reason for your depression is, you feel that you are good for nothing. This is just an expression of your untamed ego and the self-importance you still strive hard to possess. Let go of 'I' (easier said than done !), do not think that your problem is the only worrisome thing in the whole world, look around, look at people below you, smile, be very kind to others, don't be critical, don't judge others, get into other's shoes, practice humility, humility doesn't mean you have to let go of your self-worth and be low and meek, humility is about making others feel very good in front of you. When you start to reduce your self-importance and when you do not make others feel uncomfortable in front of you (either by your pride or by your pain !) – B…. believe me you will not consider infertility as a biggest defect at all. YOU WILL NEVER FEEL LIKE A FAILURE !

When my sister had her baby I am hurt - It is a feeling of pain and happiness. It is a situation where you have to be very happy yet cannot be. We hate ourselves at such times. I needed some time to see the truth. When I see my mom talk about her grandsons all the time I feel so happy - I thought the same like you - atleast she is happy by seeing them !

Please don't ever think that just because you aborted a baby you are not having one now. It has absolutely no connection. If it is so then a person who abuses child, who murders a child or who rapes a child should not be able to have a baby ! It is not so in reality. Many people who do heinous crime are very much fertile. Having a baby is not a blessing or a great thing - definitely not ! Babies don't come because of God's blessing and lack of God's blessing or his curse will not prevent you from having a baby. It is a pure medical problem. What you did in your past has no connection to it B… We are made to believe that creating a baby is a virtue ! Reproduction is just a normal biological process – like digestion, respiration, excretion .... ! A baby becomes a blessing only when it grows into a good human, does something useful to this world :)

It is great to have PCOS because women with PCOS are highly fertile and produce many eggs :). This means you have high chance of success with IVF. FET is much more successful than IVF so just keep your spirits high, have healthy hopes - IVF needs few attempts. Live everyday happily, write to me when you feel low, enjoy this journey - what joy will you have when you get whatever you need! Just immerse yourself in the mystery of this reproductive journey and look at everything with amazement :) B…, I am sure you will succeed! 

How old are you? Are you on Metformin for PCOS? Is your thyroid normal? Please write to me all the details, let me see whether I could be of some help.

Cheer up ! Smile now ...please ! :)

Lots and lots of love,

Manju