6w5d ultrasound !

We saw two heartbeats ( 120-130 beats/minute). Thank you so much everyone for the prayers and good wishes ! I strongly believe that all your prayers helped (help) my little ones. I am grateful to receive so much love and affection. I have a wonderful doctor here who helped me throughout - from measuring my endometrium for FET until upto this stage. She was as excited as I am to see our little one's heart beats. She is very young, beautiful and intelligent (above all kind and empathetic !). But from next week I have to see some other doctor and the very thought of it is scary. I hope I get a physician who understands my fears and insecurities and provides some moral support. That is all from my side and I wish each one of you good luck ! Never let go of hope - IVF does work, even after several failures ! Please keep us in your prayers !

Please pray for me !

I had two scary bleeding episodes with bright red blood ! I am shocked the first time but getting used to it. After the first episode on Saturday, I went to ER and they checked my blood hCG again. It was at 17,365 (so less than 48h doubling time, which is good !). The vaginal ultrasound scan showed two sacs. I was originally asked to come in for a scan yesterday (5w5d). I had a scan again and there are two sacs and both contained yolk sac. Yesterday evening again I had a gush of blood when using toilet. I don't have any pain or cramping. I feel very worried. The only thing I can do is to surround my babies with all your positive vibes, which I believe will protect them. Even doctors have no clue what is happening. In many infertility discussion boards I hear that such episodes are very common with IVF and twin pregnancies. I wish everything goes on well ! Please pray for me. Some kind hearted blog reader told me that I should have a 'boring ' pregnancy. I too long for that but ...

A letter from a fellow woman ...

I received this letter recently from one of my blog reader.I could totally understand what she is going through and I am sure many of you will too ! It is very important for women who go through infertility to find a way to let out their bottled up emotions. Clamming up all your emotions can play havoc in the long run. There is always help around, you just need to know how to ask for it and get the support you need. I hope this letter and the reply helps some of you too. Let us support each other during our difficult times !

Hi Manju,

My name is B.... I got your email id thru one of your comments section. I have been commenting on your recent two posts under Anonymous with signature Cheers, B

 I don’t even know why I am writing this mail to you. I guess I just need to vent out my feelings which I am bottling up inside without the fear of being judged. I totally understand if I don’t get a reply back given that you should be experiencing these initial early days filled with happiness. I am married to my college sweetheart and have been TTC for 6 years now. I am a very private person when it comes to sharing my inner feelings. I am an expert in clamming up my worries from people around me. There is so much of hidden pearls in your blog..for ex: carrying other peoples problem in your mind like...my mother can’t have a grandchild etc... I lost my father when I am little and since then it is amma who brought us up single handedly. So in a way I feel I owe only happiness to amma. And I feel I am a big failure. Whenever I call amma, only one thing is on her mind - baby. That is why from calling everyday it is reduced to weekly once call. My younger bro married last year, and recently had a baby girl and I was over the moon. I was happy at least my mom as one grandchild now. I got married very young and within 2 months we found I was pregnant. We weren’t really thinking much then, so with joint decision we terminated the baby, later thinking when we are ready we can have them, and now part of me is still stuck in that moment. Whenever I see a 6-7 year old child I think, my baby would have been such height now. This is killing me slowly and my husband is least aware of my thought process. I have now PCOS. This year we went thru our 1st IVF and though everything went thru like a textbook example, it was unsuccessful. Here in UK NHS for the very 1st time they put only 1 embryo. Totally they retrieved 14 eggs out of which 6 survived. Now for FET they would put 2 embryos probably next month.

 I am surprised I have written this much. I think I am slowly getting into depression.

Sorry if I have spammed your inbox manju. That was not my intention.

 Cheers, B

Dearmost B...,

I am moved to tears after reading your mail. How honestly you have written it, you have vented all your fears! ((((hugs)))). I understand you and your pain - I completely know how you feel. B…, you are not alone, every woman who struggles with infertility is more or less the same. I am just a reflection of you and your thoughts, that is why you find comfort in reading my blog.

I am so happy that you have decided to talk to me; to let your feelings out. It will help a lot. I am sure when writing this mail you were in tears, and now you feel a lot better. I am exactly like you B…, I talk a lot but never, ever shared my pain with anyone before I started to write this blog. More I wrote, more verbally expressive I became too. I learned to share my pain at least with a few people, mostly with women like you who write about their problem. It gave me so much solace.

I could understand when you talk about your amma. My dad is no more too and my mom lives with my old granddad. In the beginning I used to vent my pain to her and it made her cry. At one point, I stopped telling my pains to her. I too started to call my mom less frequently-the sole reason for it is, not to make her uncomfortable with my crying spells and desperateness. I think it must be the same with you too. The reason why you are not calling your mom is, you are afraid of her pain.

B…, you are not a failure. Do you think every person who suffer in life is just a failure ? Unfortunately, the society in which we are brought up has instilled this mentality in our mind. A very comfortable, happy human (a person who is self-sufficient in everything) is thought to be an ideal person and is believed to be in the complete grace of God. Because of this many humans strive hard to appear "all is well" and cover up their suffering. Since very less people are open about their personal suffering, we think we are the only ones who suffer and silently bear the brunt of our pain !

Suffering doesn't equate failure; suffering means betterment and a more stronger 'YOU'. Suffering is a part of every life B... It tames our ego. In the beginning it hurts, but once you understand that suffering is what shapes you and helps you to be humane, you will not get depressed. You will understand that it is part of everyone's life and we all grow via that. The reason for your depression is, you feel that you are good for nothing. This is just an expression of your untamed ego and the self-importance you still strive hard to possess. Let go of 'I' (easier said than done !), do not think that your problem is the only worrisome thing in the whole world, look around, look at people below you, smile, be very kind to others, don't be critical, don't judge others, get into other's shoes, practice humility, humility doesn't mean you have to let go of your self-worth and be low and meek, humility is about making others feel very good in front of you. When you start to reduce your self-importance and when you do not make others feel uncomfortable in front of you (either by your pride or by your pain !) – B…. believe me you will not consider infertility as a biggest defect at all. YOU WILL NEVER FEEL LIKE A FAILURE !

When my sister had her baby I am hurt - It is a feeling of pain and happiness. It is a situation where you have to be very happy yet cannot be. We hate ourselves at such times. I needed some time to see the truth. When I see my mom talk about her grandsons all the time I feel so happy - I thought the same like you - atleast she is happy by seeing them !

Please don't ever think that just because you aborted a baby you are not having one now. It has absolutely no connection. If it is so then a person who abuses child, who murders a child or who rapes a child should not be able to have a baby ! It is not so in reality. Many people who do heinous crime are very much fertile. Having a baby is not a blessing or a great thing - definitely not ! Babies don't come because of God's blessing and lack of God's blessing or his curse will not prevent you from having a baby. It is a pure medical problem. What you did in your past has no connection to it B… We are made to believe that creating a baby is a virtue ! Reproduction is just a normal biological process – like digestion, respiration, excretion .... ! A baby becomes a blessing only when it grows into a good human, does something useful to this world :)

It is great to have PCOS because women with PCOS are highly fertile and produce many eggs :). This means you have high chance of success with IVF. FET is much more successful than IVF so just keep your spirits high, have healthy hopes - IVF needs few attempts. Live everyday happily, write to me when you feel low, enjoy this journey - what joy will you have when you get whatever you need! Just immerse yourself in the mystery of this reproductive journey and look at everything with amazement :) B…, I am sure you will succeed! 

How old are you? Are you on Metformin for PCOS? Is your thyroid normal? Please write to me all the details, let me see whether I could be of some help.

Cheer up ! Smile now ...please ! :)

Lots and lots of love,

Manju

The Beta-hCG value is ...

                                              16dp3dt beta-hCG level is 2008.1

Have no idea what it means ! But I know it is a strong value. Thank you everyone for all the prayers and encouragement !

The home pregnancy test showed two lines !

 

Yes, it is a positive. I saw a positive hpt almost 4 years back, in 2009 January. If that embie had managed to become my baby, my child would have been three and a half years by now. I need to remember that little embie which gave me the strength to hold on to hope and keep trying. I am feeling so calm and serene. No overt emotions are there. After expecting this for a long time, I feel surprisingly numb. I am grateful that I had a positive. I know from now on it is a long journey and I wish I get the strength to face whatever comes my way. Surprisingly, I am not afraid of the future.

I take this opportunity to thank my Dr. I am a very difficult patient to deal with - both scientifically and emotionally. He was always kind and compassionate. He never made me feel that I am stupid or irrational. His team is as wonderful as he is. If you are wondering about the photo above - the colourful Vinayaka is given by Dr. Sai, the embryologist. As soon as I got into the room, to get ready for embryo transfer, he sent this for me. He made me cry but from that time onwards I felt so happy and confident. Thank you Dr. Sai, your good luck charm worked ! The little Vinayaka is my DH's gift. My DH is happy and calm as usual. My mom is excited and I told her that she has to be calm and keep on praying. I believe that her prayers are answered. I want to thank Mr. Ali, Sister Mary and Mr.Vinayak who work in Dr.Malpani's clinic. They said after the transfer - there is a Muslim, Christian and Hindu praying for me (Isn't that sweet ?) . Dr said he will pray for me (Thank you Dr !). I thank Dr. Anjali for being so kind - thank you mam !

I love all my blog readers and I will forever be grateful for all the love, support and prayers I received. Everyone are special in their own way. Ashu, is a medical student who reads my blog and leaves kind comments all the time. I am always very happy that I have a reader like him (he doesn't have anything to do with infertility yet took the pain to read my posts !) I am also thankful to everyone who shared their little one's pictures, conceived via IVF, which gave me so much happiness and hope. Pankaj thank you so much ! Caro, Kavitha, Anjani, Fawzia, Rita, Le, Mamtha, Sherin, Radhika, Ads, San, Nidhi, Mary, Jay, Nushi, Aakanksha.... and lot more of my friends who stood beside me; who shared their happiness and fears; who are kind enough to give me encouraging words when I needed the most eventhough I have never met 99.9 % of them. Many I knew only through my blog....

Another most important person I need to thank  is my boss. He is a very kind human being and made me understand how important is my job during my tough times. He was always pleasant when I asked for holidays for my treatment. I can't thank my friends enough for being so kind, understanding and supportive. Everyone did their best to make us feel good. When I came from India, my friend Priya held my hand and never left it until I wanted to leave. The warmth and compassion in it is so heart-warming. I know that touch helped my embies.This journey has just started, and I know the uncertainty inherent in it. I am holding on to hope and I am accepting today's blessing with utmost humility. My greatest joy is that it will give hope to so many and that is the sole intention for writing this blog.

Once again thank you so much Dr - without you this blog wouldn't have existed and I wouldn't have experienced so much goodness and satisfaction !


Last but not the least - thank you so much my little embies ! Make sure that you don't give up the fight; we have been waiting for you so long now. I need to  have you in my arms (if possible all of you !).

 “Never let go of hope. One day you will see that it all has finally come together. What you have always wished for has finally come to be. You will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself... 'How did I get through all of that? ”

- author unknown

What happened to my pregnancy test ?

I haven't tested yet ! I feel happy this way. Women who have gone through several IVFs, without success, will understand what I mean. I am a coward ; I am just trying to bury my head in sand like an ostrich. Just the thought that I am pregnant gives me so much happiness. I do not want to hear that my embies are no more inside; I  lived with their thought for 2 weeks, thinking that they are safe in my uterus. Can't I be like this for 9 more months ? I know I am irrational. Today, I  had an important scientific talk in my lab ; I can't afford to lose my sense and cry in front of others if something goes wrong. So decided not to go in for blood test today. I am planning to do a hpt Sunday morning. In this way I wil have enough space and time to mourn if the result is negative.  I wish I could see my DH smile happily on Sunday, and could feel my amma's happiness in her voice when I tell her that my pregnancy test is positive. There are so many people praying for me - let their prayers and my dream come true, please !  

Two week wait (2ww) prayer

Dear God,

Please grant me the strength …

To take one day at a time

To refrain from obsessing about each twinge and ache I experience in my body

To be kind to myself

To enjoy the wondrous mystery of the 2ww

To understand the difference between healthy hope and unhealthy expectation

To accept success and failure as if they are one and the same

To preserve my original self amidst all this craziness

To abstain from hurting others during my stressful times

To hide my pain and wear a smile on my lips always …

To use my pain to grow even better without getting bitter

To stay positive so that my loved ones remain happy and tranquil

To be serene amidst all the uncertainity

To be content for all my blessings

To be grateful for the blessings I possess

To bear the disappointment in my partner’s face if the result is negative

To understand life is not all about winning but about trying

To accept that life can be very unfair at times

To realize that many others have to bear much more pain than I have to

To love and appreciate life even more ...

To hold on to hope yet have the wisdom to know when to quit

To trust that whatever the outcome, I will emerge a stronger and a better person

To gain the ability to achieve peace of mind that I did my best

And .....

If the pregnancy test turns out to be positive ...

Let me have the goodness to accept my blessing with humility

To hope for the best yet be prepared for the worst

And to continue to live life with utmost gratitude

With love,

Manju

Dr.Malpani's Blog: Free IVF app !

Dr.Malpani's Blog: Free IVF app !

Dr.Malpani's Blog: MyFertilityDiary is a patient friendly tool to assist in your fertility treatment

Dr.Malpani's Blog: MyFertilityDiary is a patient friendly tool to assist in your fertility treatment

The 2ww !

On Saturday, we transferred three day 3 embryos. Ofcourse they looked beyond perfect. My lining was not something an IVF specialist would admire. It was around 7 mm. But I respect my uterus capability to grow this lining and believe in it's ability to accept my little ones. So now I am in the glorious 2ww. I feel so peaceful. The transfer went on well and people around me made that day very special. I am waiting to pen it down. Thanks everyone for all the good wishes and kind words - It made me feel so good ! I am waiting - patiently and joyfully ! I am enjoying my days with the recent Khaled Hosseini's novel - And the Mountains Echoed :) Malpani review