Adopt, don't shop !

This is a guest post from one of my blog reader. We infertile couples, often come across people, who look at us as if we are sinners when we say we are undergoing IVF treatment to have our baby. Their arguement is "why don't you just adopt, there are so many children without home?". They think adoption is a nicer thing to do instead of spending so much money to have a baby. Some even think doing IVF is against God's wish. This is a comment I received on my article " So, why don't you just adopt a baby ? " I thought this comment by the reader is very honest and explains the problem which is inherent in an adoption proocess. I wish everyone finds this useful too ! Remember, we are not shopping for a baby, we are fighting  for our right to have a baby !

 A good post and certainly pertinent to anyone experiencing infertility. I've actually been "looked down upon" by quite a few people for wanting to pursue IVF. And of course, the critics are either completely uninterested in ever having children or have a litter of babies themselves. What bugs me the most is that they seem to think that it's the job of the infertile to save the troubled children of the world. Granted, that is a noble endeavor, but why is it any more MY duty than those who are fertile?

Most people don't know how immensely complicated (and expensive!) adoption is. In some cases, it's even cheaper to succeed at IVF than adoption. And even after you've shelled out tens of thousands of dollars, there still is no guarantee that everything will go smoothly. Some of my acquaintences tried to adopt abroad and their child got stuck in limbo in a state nursing facility for 2 years after birth. Believe me, if adopting were as simple as taking a stroll to the local catholic monestary to pick up a child, I'd be a father many times already!

But if its one thing that troubles me least about adoption it's the genetic difference. I always saw something romantic about choosing to love a child, rather than being coerced into the relationship by Darwinian destiny. What DOES bother me is that, when you adopt, everyone seems to want to get their talons in your child one way or another. In the United States, domestic adoption is a seller's market, which means adoptions are "open." In other words, the "birth parents" stay in regular contact with THEIR children and sap away the joys of parenthood while the adopting parents shoulder all of the burden. If it's one thing I simply couldn't handle, it would be some stranger visiting at Christmas, telling my child how much he/she takes after THEM.

Even if you adopt from abroad, there is this accepted truth in society that somehow your child is not entirely your child. That some essential part of them remains in the place that they were born. That you must pay some kind of homage to the "culture" from which their soul has apparently sprung forth. And its this social perception of adoption that strikes me most painfully: that even though you put in 100 percent of the love that any other parent would, the adopted child can only really be half yours, in the end.

In the United States, our television channels are littered with shows about adopted children going off to reunite with their "birth" parents. That they simply felt lacking until they were able to become one with with their "birth family" again. All the while the adoptive parents are expected to stand back and smile. The adoptive parent is expected to share the thing that parents of biological children are NEVER expected to share. It may sound selfish, but I could never share my children in this way. It would break my heart.

And so I think that's what pushes me toward IVF most.