9) Stay connected
Many people tend to do this mistake – they start shrinking within their
shell because of infertility. They tend to avoid social gatherings. They even
avoid meeting their close friends and relatives. This kind of social isolation
can only do you more harm than good. While you believe that you are protecting
yourself from emotional assaults, long term social isolation can cause chronic
depression, increased stress levels and impaired decision making. Being
isolated can give rise to a variety of negative emotions. All these can cause
significant harm to your mental strength when undergoing IVF journey.
10) Be kind to yourself!
Be empathetic, kind and compassionate to
yourself! Infertility can make you feel worthless, defective, and unloved.
There are women who lose all the interest in life’s day-to-day activities and
brood on their misfortune. Actually, the common misconception is infertility
medicines will make you to gain weight. But the truth is that the stress and
depression you are going through causes you to eat more and exercise less and
it is this which causes you to put on weight. Infertility is not your fault. An
IVF failure is not your fault. Stop blaming yourself and start living!
Cultivate healthy food habits. Turn to good books. Take care of your mind and
body. Learn something new. Engage in something which will make you feel worthy
and important. Only when you love yourself will you respect and nurture your
mind and body, so that it is prepared for the struggles you may have to go
through. When you are kind to yourself, you will feel physically and mentally
strong. This will make you resilient enough to face the IVF journey.
11) Be Philosophical
Being philosophical helps you to find positive meaning in life, even
when faced with difficult or traumatic events. When you start to analyze and
interpret the happenings in your life rationally, you will start to view things
differently. You will develop resilience when you start thinking better.
Remember, it’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.
The way you think determines how you react to a situation! This IVF journey has helped me to understand
certain philosophies of life which I wouldn’t have learned in such a short time
period, and at such a young age!
-
I
have learned that creating a life which is perfect in every way is not easy. I
myself am a miracle and I should learn to appreciate and respect the life I was
given and be grateful for my blessings!
-
I
have learned that being good doesn’t guarantee a struggle free life but good
people learn to handle their struggles in a better way without becoming bitter!
-
I
have understood that even the most difficult times cannot take away the
happiness from you unless you yourself decide to let it go!
-
I
have learned that struggle is what makes you and keeps you human!
-
I
have learned that infertility doesn’t kill you; it only serves to make you
stronger, if you don’t allow it to weaken you.
-
I
have learned that it is only the everyday small happinesses in life which
matter - nothing else does!
-
I
have learned that a failure teaches you many more valuable lessons in life than
success does.
- .
I
have learned that if you enjoy the best times of your life, you are also bound
to accept the hard times too!
Developing these positive philosophies in your mind despite your
difficult situation will help you to be cool-headed. This in turn will help you
to tackle the other hard times you are sure to encounter in your life! Treat
your IVF journey as a learning experience, which will teach you to become a
better human being!
12) Turn to spirituality
Being spiritual helps us to accept life as it is. When you have faith in
a higher power, you tend to let things happen, rather than strive futilely to
make things happen. This removes the stress from your mind and you become more
philosophical in your thoughts. You will realise that a lot of what happens in
your life is not in your hands; and you learn to wait patiently, so that it
will happen in its own time. When you stress yourself by assuming that the only
acceptable outcome of an IVF cycle should be a baby, then you are prone to
suffer if the cycle fails. Instead, if you believe that God will give you a
baby when the time is ripe, you are much more likely to bounce back from the
depression of a failed IVF cycle. Spirituality also keeps you connected with
other people, because you go to religious places, meet people, and exchange
your beliefs, happiness and struggle. This in turn increases your coping
skills. When you are spiritual, you aim to live a life filled with love,
compassion, forgiveness, hope and inner-peace. Spirituality is usually connected
to God or religion but you can lead a spiritual life without depending on these
concepts, because spiritualist has to be internal! However, do remember that
while spirituality can greatly enhance your emotional resilience , there are
certain religious practices which end up instilling guilt, self-pity and
unnatural expectations! This can destroy your peace of mind and
self-confidence. So beware of the dangers in your religious practises as well!
13) Help others
Helping others is the best way to help yourself, and is also the best
way to build your emotional resilience! Extending a helping hand to people
going through infertility has helped me a lot with my personal infertility
struggle. Through this blog, I frequently
hear from people who are kind enough to say that my writings give them hope and
strength. When I
talk to them, hear their struggles and heartbreaks, hopes and aspiration I get
a lot of strength, because I realise that I am not alone. When I use the
knowledge I have gained during my IVF journey to guide them through the
infertility maze, I get a lot of personal satisfaction. This gives me a high
which provides me with a boost to help me cope better with my daily
tribulations. When I was confronted with infertility soon after our marriage, I
was ignorant about everything. There was no one to give me sorely needed
information and hope. I was afraid to talk about it to anyone. There were days
I felt gloomy and fearful. There were times when I used to think, ‘How nice it
would be, if there is someone who could sit and talk with me, and guide me
through this’. Because of all the suffering I went through, I know that people
experiencing the crisis of infertility need emotional and intellectual support.
When I provide it to people who are in a similar situation like mine, I feel I
am helping myself! I have learned to help, not because I know a lot but because
I know exactly how it feels to have no knowledge about infertility! When I
guide others I feel I am doing something worthwhile and it increases my
self-esteem several fold. It also shifts my mind from thinking and obsessing
about my own infertility. I feel more confident and my ability to cope with infertility
related stresses have increased because of this. Everyone can help someone
else! Share what you have (money, knowledge, and kindness) with people who need
them the most. The best help you can do to someone is to spend some of your
valuable time and to lend an ear to their sufferings. When you help others your
own miseries take a back seat in your mind and your self-esteem increases. A
high self-esteem is necessary for a good mental health and a healthy mind can
cope with the adversities of an IVF cycle much better!
14) Ask for help!
Along with helping others, getting help from others will also help in
building your emotional strength when going through an IVF cycle. When you are
in fear and pain, every small problem you face appears to be big and
unsolvable. Talking to someone who has gone through what you are going through
helps a lot. When starting an IVF cycle, everything appears like a puzzle. You
will be scared about all the injections you take and the medical procedures you
go through. You will be scared of your doctor and all the medical jargon he
uses when talking to you. You will be petrified that your IVF cycle may fail.
You will also have several questions in your mind-what to eat, what not to eat,
how long should I rest after embryo transfer, will not taking rest affect my chances
of success, will stress cause my embryos not to implant and so many more. The best way to feel better
and stronger emotionally is to talk to someone who knows the procedure well.
This will put your mind at peace. Your doctor may well be the best person to
talk to, but unfortunately doctors do not have time to answer all your
questions. Infertility bulletin boards are full of knowledgeable ladies who
will help you with all the questions and fears you have. If you write to me, I
will be happy to help you as much as I can.When going through an IVF cycle do
not hesitate to ask for help. Remember, when you take help from someone else,
you are helping that person too!
15) Start with a clean slate
Have a clear mind and clear thinking - this is the most important
requisite to keep you strong and sane when doing IVF. By the time you start
IVF, you would have been tormented enough with your infertility struggles. This
might have turned you into a very different person (bitter and suspicious). You
might have lost faith in almost all the medical procedures used to treat
infertility - and may not trust doctors either. When you start an IVF
procedure, you should have faith in that medical procedure, you should have
faith in your doctor, and you should have faith in yourself! But most people
start the procedure with many uncertainties in their mind, and the scientific
complexity combined with the enormous cost of the IVF procedure magnifies their
doubts. Instead of thinking - I am going through a procedure which will give me
the best chance of having my deeply longed for baby, many start thinking – is
this doctor doing his job right? Will he steal my eggs or embryos and sell
them? What if this doctor causes my cycle to fail because he is careless? Is he
crooked? What if he doesn’t transfer the embryos, because he wants to make me
come again and again for money? I have failed so many times in my attempt to
conceive a baby, will this IVF cycle ever work? etc. If you are a person who is
prone to think like this, the entire IVF procedure will be like a torture for
you. When you carry an aura of negative energy around you, you tend to repel
all the people who are important for your mental and physical well-being. To
add to the insult, if your IVF cycle fails, you tend to blame everyone and
everything for your failure. You will not be able to accept the failure with a
strong and calm mind. The end result will be depression, disbelief, anger, and
self-pity. When going through an IVF cycle, forget your past bitter experiences
with infertility. Do your homework sincerely, so you can select a competent
clinic. Select a good doctor. Once you do so start your IVF procedure with a
clean slate and happy mindset, do not allow your mind to play games with you. It is OK to doubt, but do so only when you
have solid proof. It is wise to believe
than to live in disbelief!
16) ABC model of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy
Recently I was introduced to a book called ‘A Guide to Rational Living’
by Dr.Malpani. It teaches readers to recognise the impact of their thought
processes and beliefs on their emotional well-being. The fundamental concept of
the book is that our emotions are the result of how we respond to an adverse
event, and not the event itself. If we can change our beliefs, we can change
the way we feel about the event too! Albert Ellis, a trained clinical
psychologist and the author, proposed the ABC model of REBT. This model helps
us to make sense of our problem and deal with it effectively. For example, what
kind of beliefs do we accumulate when an IVF cycle fails and how does this
affect us? And how can we change the way we think, so that we feel better?
Adverse event – IVF failure
Beliefs – I am a
total failure. I will never have a baby. While everyone around me gets pregnant
easily, I am cursed to suffer like this.
Consequence – Depression, poor self-esteem, lack of self-confidence
But if you train your mind to think
in the following way after an IVF failure, you will feel much better and will
gain the ability to bounce back quicker and stronger.
Adverse event – IVF failure
Beliefs – A failed IVF cycle is painful but it is not
my personal failure. I have done my level best and I should be proud of myself
for going through this difficult procedure. The success rate per IVF cycle is
only 40%. If this cycle doesn’t work it doesn’t mean I will never be able to
conceive using IVF. There are many women who have succeeded after many IVF
failures. I still have bright chances to get pregnant in my next cycle. It is
true that many women around me get pregnant easily, but everyone has their own
suffering to go through. Is there anyone in this world without suffering? My challenge in my life now is to conceive a
baby. I will go through this struggle and try my level best to succeed in my
quest.
Consequence – Emotional resilience, renewed
hope, confidence and increased self-esteem.
So, try changing the way you think about an IVF failure. This will help
you to gain immense emotional strength!
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