The intense desire to have children is not just
a women thing. Most men like most women love to have children. When a man is
with the company of a young child you can experience the tender side of him. We
went to India both the times when my little sister had her baby. I was a bit
tensed how my husband will handle the situation. I was worried about his
emotional safety. How would he react to the presence of a new-born child
especially when we are going through infertility? Will he feel uncomfortable? To
my surprise, I was amazed by his fatherly skills. He handled the new born with
so much care and affection. Sometimes when the little one cries uncontrollably
my sister will give the baby to him. He used to hold the baby in a comfortable
position and shake him gently; the little one stops crying and goes to sleep within
the warmth of his embrace. At those times, I could see his face soften with a
motherly affection. Everyone in my home are proud of him but the only soul
which is left weeping on seeing all this is me. I know he loves children.
Whenever he sees a naughty, young child his face becomes bright with a smile.
His eyes would follow the child as long as the little one is within the viewable
distance. When he is eagerly looking at the child my eyes will be concentrating
on his face trying to read his mind. I
will be caught in a swirl of emotions. My inability to give him a much desired
baby strikes me so hard; my eyes will fill with tears unable to bear those
emotions. So if someone says that the longing for a baby is a womanly thing and
men are unaffected by infertility I can never ever agree with them.
I would like to share one of my experiences with
an infertile couple who lives in my husband’s village. They are very young.
They do not have children and I happened to hear from that woman (her name is
Manju too!) why they are not able to have a child. She said at the age of 23 or
so her uterus was removed because of a tumour! I was shocked! I guessed it may
have been a fibroid and might be because of an over-enthusiastic or
money-minded physician that this tragedy happened. She is not literate enough
to explain her actual problem. Then I started to question her further and asked
what she thinks about adopting a child. She said, ‘my health is not that great
and we do not have good income too. In this situation, I do not want to take
any additional responsibility’. She is not crying her eyes out and that is the
best thing about village women. They are emotionally very strong and have
enormous resiliency. Actually, city-dwelling, very modern, highly educated
women are emotionally very fragile! Although the topic is uncomfortable for her
she is able to share her opinion with me very matter-of-factly. I insisted that
it will be wise to have a child at home as it would bring new hopes into their
life and a sense of responsibility and happiness. She said, ‘my husband always
wanted to adopt a child but I am adamant and I refused his wish’. This
conversation was hard for me too. I started to think about myself and my
infertility. I have seen her husband. He comes home very late after finishing
his job. I have never seen him stand and talk to anyone. He seemed to be very
silent. The next day Manju came to me. She said, ‘yesterday I told my husband
what you suggested’. I said to him that
you wanted us to adopt a child. She told me, ‘you should see the glow in his face;
he immediately started to talk about adopting a baby. For a long time
afterwards, he talked about the adoption topic non-stop’. She continued, ‘he
told me that, ‘see how Manju has understood our problem; what she said is very
correct’! When we were returning back to Germany, while taking leave from everyone,
Manju’s husband was standing at one corner. I will never forget the look in his
eyes; the gratitude in them told me what he is going through!
Just because a man is not expressive doesn’t
mean he is devoid of all the feelings women claim to possess. Many women tell
me, ‘Manju we are women and our heart always yearns for a baby but my husband
doesn’t feel like this!’ Can this be true? The problem with us is; the first
thing we do when talking about infertility (or for that matter any sensitive
topic!) is to cry. It is very uncomfortable for a man to see his wife cry and
break down emotionally. A man thinks it is his responsibility to keep his wife
happy and when he sees that his wife is not as happy as he would like her to be,
he feels very frustrated and his ego gets hurt too. They really do not know how
to react to such situations and their silence makes us think that they are cold,
unfeeling and uncaring. From an evolutionary point of view, there is one more
interesting reason why men can’t tolerate crying spells and high pitched voices.
I happened to listen to a psychologist on TV and she was telling ‘if you want a
man to listen to what you say, talk to him softly without becoming too
emotional’. She also gave a beautiful explanation why it is so! When humans lived
in caves, it was the man’s job is to hunt and gather food. Women took care of
the children. When a man goes hunting, he has to be aware of all the danger signals
around him. He used to listen keenly to the sounds made by wild animals so that
he could avoid places which were perilous. He also has to be emotionally strong
when he has to hunt animals. His sole intention should be to provide food for
his wife and children and he should not get carried away by the pathetic sounds
made by animals and their young ones when he kills them. A woman, on the other hand,
has to be very sensitive to the cries of her children, so that she can feed
them and take care of them well. These differences in their activities can
explain why men’s brains and women’s brain respond to the same cues in such a
different manner. A man is unable to tolerate high pitch voices as it is like a
danger signal for him. The psychologist said, ‘please keep two things in mind
if you want a man to listen to what you say-do not raise your voice, and talk
slowly so that his brain can imbibe what you are saying. Never cry because it
will make him uncomfortable and he will try to move away from that place’. I found
that explanation to be very interesting.
When a couple deals with infertility, obviously
a man gets hurt too. Fathering a child gives him gratification as it is
considered as a proof of his manliness. When infertility strikes a couple and the
man realises that he is not able to father a child, he starts to feel inferior.
His emotional burden becomes worse if the problem is with his own fertility. He
feels that he is less masculine, a total failure and his self-esteem goes down.
When his wife does not understand what he is going through, and if she is always
crying and complaining, then that just adds to his mental torture. I know women
who break down in front of their infertile husband and cry thinking about a
baby. Is it wise to do so? Have you ever imagined what kind of mental pressure
you are subjecting your husband to? When your husband is the one who is having an
infertility problem, as his wife, it is your greatest responsibility to make
him feel comfortable. But many women fail to give the much needed intellectual
and emotional support. When his wife is crying because she cannot have a baby and
when a man senses that it is his inability which has caused such suffering to
his wife, he naturally goes to pieces. Women have many ways to relieve their
infertility related stresses. The best support a woman gets during infertile
times is from her mother. She vents out whatever she is undergoing (physically
and emotionally) with her mom. When I talk to my mom I have no inhibitions. I
have no fear that I will be judged wrongly. All my mental stress clears quickly
if I talk to her. But for a man it is impossible to get such emotional support.
As a man grows older, he no longer feels comfortable sharing his emotions with
his parents like a woman does. Since men are looked upon as being the stronger
sex, crying or expressing emotions like a woman is considered to be a sign of his
weakness. Hence he maintains his silence and suffers within himself. When a
couple faces infertility, the man’s parents also tend to react differently to
their daughter-in-law. As a result the connection between the man’s parent and
his wife becomes strained. This makes a man’s condition even worse. He is caught
in the emotional drama between his parents and wife. This makes him retract
from his parents too. Infertility somehow pushes a man’s parents and siblings
away from him. This is why coping with infertility can be so much more
difficult for a man than for a woman! He is forced to bury himself in his work
and pretend that all is well, even though he may be bleeding inside.
Many infertile women behave in ways which can
make the life of their husbands a living hell. The first mistake women make is
to submerge themselves within their sorrow. They tend to obsess about a baby
all the time and they forget all their day to day duties and happiness. It’s
very hard for a man to deal with his wife’s crying spells – especially if he
loves her. While he can handle his personal pain stoically, seeing his wife
suffer leaves vulnerable and heart-broken. Infertility also kills the sex life
of couples. It turns a pleasurable act into a ritual which is done only for the
sake of a baby. For a woman, the best sex stimulation centre is her brain. When
her brain is too occupied with infertility and making babies, the act of making
sex becomes very difficult. Women have high libido, but they desire sex only
when all the conditions are just right! For a man on the other hand, sex can be
like soothing medicine for all his troubles and frustration. This difference in
the mental make-up between men and women also adds to the problem. When
physical intimacy is denied, a man feels that the emotional bonding with his
wife is lost. This further adds to the problem. His only solace during
infertility, his wife, seems to move away from him both physically and
emotionally. He stops sharing his pain with his wife because he is scared she
may break down emotionally. After all, isn’t he meant to provide her a shoulder
to cry on? If he starts crying as well, how will she cope? This makes the situation much more
complicated. The other mistake most women tend to do is to talk about her
husband’s infertility to her parents. I have seen this happen in many families.
The woman’s parents are very happy to tell everyone that their daughter is
super fertile and the lack of a baby is due to the problem with their son-in-law
(it is actually the fear of social stigma that makes them behave this way!) Sometimes
I wonder how ignorant and self-centred people are! How could they even talk
about such things without any guilt? Isn’t it the duty of the wife to safeguard
her husband’s self-esteem? If a couple faces infertility, is it necessary to reveal
whose problem it is? Is it really anyone else’s business? As a couple, doesn’t infertility
affect both of them equally? Playing the blame game is emotionally destructive!
Men and women have different coping styles in
response to stressors. This may add to what is an already stressful time. Even
though men desire to have children , they are usually not afflicted by the “babylust
” which strikes women. They tend to analyse the situation rationally and might have
a clearer dispassionate view of the problem .
On the other hand, a woman’s intuition is stronger. Instead of being
adamant about your own viewpoint, it is much wiser to work as a team. A baby is
not the only solution to the problem of infertility ! You might one day find
yourself in a situation where you have to decide when to give up all the
draining infertility treatments, stop trying to conceive , and get on with your
life. This kind of end to your infertility journey can be very hard for both of
you , especially if you do not have alternate plans. So it is always wise to keep
other options like child-free living and adoption open. When your husband talks
about these topics , try to listen to him patiently and give your views about
it. Do not react to such talks with an emotional outburst. If you do so then
that will be the end of a rational discussion and this will in turn leave your
husband in ambiguity and uncertainty. He will be totally confused how to deal
with your emotions. Achieving an emotional closure and moving on with your life
is very necessary if the infertility treatment does not work. As his wife it is
your duty to provide him the opportunity and space to do so. Chronic grieving can
lead to significant psychological damage to you and your partner. Your
relationship will get adversely affected as a result of this. If you want your
marriage to withstand the tests of time you should learn to weather the storm
of storm by climbing the peaks and valleys together. I have seen many infertile
couples do this successfully. Caring enough to bring out the best in each
other, and wanting his happiness even above yours seems to be the key! Many men
when faced with infertility tend to divert their attention to their career and
try to excel in it. Support your man during such times and see his self-esteem
grow. This will also give you immense happiness. Many infertile women tend to think
that their happiness is solely dependent on a baby and as a result tend to
suffer and make their man suffer too. Remember “The foolish man seeks happiness
in the distance, the wise grows it under his feet”.
When you are tackling infertility, provide emotional
support for your husband. Having a rational discussion about your infertility
will provide your husband with confidence and strength because he is reassured
that you have a mature sensible outlook; can cope well; and have realistic
expectations. Crying might give you relief, but, when you make it a habit to
cry and get depressed every time the topic of infertility springs up, you will
end up making your husband miserable as well. It is not wise to complain about
his parents all the time. Just like you need your parents when you are in
distress, he needs his parents too (whether they are good to you or not doesn’t
matter!). Even though he doesn’t express himself to his parents as you do, he
will feel emotionally comfortable if you maintain a good relationship with your
in-laws. Taking care of his physical needs will make him feel more secure and
cared for. Sex helps to provide emotional catharsis and improves bonding. This helps
you as well. Remember that a man’s ego is fragile and it is in your best
interests to make him feel strong and comfortable! If your husband is suffering
from infertility never discuss it with anyone else - especially not with your
parents (if they will go around spreading the news to everyone!). Remember, just
like you are his better half, he is your better half as well, and hence
infertility cannot be an individual’s problem! Tackle the situation wisely so
that your relationship becomes stronger during the crisis of infertility!
