Our surrogate is pregnant and meeting of two infertiles!

I am sure most of you would have guessed it correctly. Yes, Rita is pregnant! Dr. Malpani sent me a mail one fine day saying, ‘Congrats! Rita’s beta HCG is 721.72 mIU/ml’ (12dp5dt). We were at Hyderabad during that time; we were traveling to meet Rajender’s niece. When I showed the mail to Rajender, he felt so relieved. I could see his face calming down after that day’s tension about the outcome of the surrogacy cycle.  I felt so relieved too.  But we were not overjoyed or not even happy. We held each other’s hands and sat quietly. Neither of us talked anything about it. That day was quite beautiful, there was a relief yet both of us were aware that there were still numerous hurdles to cross! To be honest, I was a bit proud too, my decision was right after all! My last chance to have a genetic baby is still bright because of what I decided to do with my last two frozen embies. I thanked God!

I am pregnant and my little embryo is growing in a woman’s womb whom I have never met. We don’t even speak the same language! I am not sure what to do. Should we call her, will she feel comfortable? After a deep thought I decided not to call Rita. But again Dr. Malpani insisted that I must meet her. I could understand what Dr.Malpani is thinking. He wants Rita to feel comfortable about this pregnancy. If we meet her she will bond with us and also with the little seed that is growing in her. I understood this, but again I was thinking what if this pregnancy ends soon (I learned to be pessimistic in order to ward off horrible emotional pain). If I meet her now and if the pregnancy doesn’t progress well, I will be again in hell and I don’t know how long will it take for me to recover; I agree I was selfish!  The pain I went through few months ago was still raw and it is for Rajender too. I don’t want to travel to Mumbai, meet Rita and raise our hopes too high, too soon. So I decided to wait for 3 more months to meet Rita. I was totally unaware at that time that I will meet Rita very soon.

Rita’s HCG value appeared pretty high for me. I was wondering whether both my embies implanted! Even though I knew how dangerous a multiple pregnancy can be, my heart was longing for twins again. How nice it would be if both my children come back to me – this is what I thought! Everytime I do want my life to be a fairy tale with a happily ever after ending but my fate is otherwise! Our mind is the most wonderful time machine, our thoughts could take us anywhere in a fraction of a second. I was dreaming of twins; I was dreaming of meeting Rita; I was dreaming of receiving two healthy children in my hands; I was dreaming that one of the child is a boy and another a girl; I was even dreaming of bringing Rita and her family to our place to celebrate the birth of our children…Isn’t five minutes enough to dream a whole life?

The next day I left to Madurai without Rajender. That was our first time to be away from each other after 6 years of married life. I was happy that I will be spending time with my mom and I was unhappy too to leave a person with whom I share a bond which is not easy to explain. He has been everything in my life: my best friend and my worst enemy too at times, my mom, my dad, my guardian angel, my boss, my lover, my husband, my child, everything, everything! I told him 1000 times to be careful, to be safe. I was the one who pestered him to send me to Madurai but then I was angry too that he is sending me away. With tears in my eyes I waved him good bye in the airport. A very big fear gripped me, if something goes wrong with this pregnancy in the next few weeks, I wouldn’t have a shoulder to cry on nearby. But I also felt relieved that if something goes wrong I don’t have to see that hurt expression in my husband’s face, the expression, the pain which I hate to see in Rajender’s face! That is what that hurts me the most.

After a week I received the ultrasound report. There was only one sac in the uterus. But even before that, I guessed that it might only be a singleton. Rita’s second HCG doubled only 70% in 48h.  To be honest, I felt a bit unhappy. I felt deprived of something which I deserved. But I consoled my mind thinking that a singleton pregnancy is safe, it is easier for Rita too and all I need is a healthy baby in hand.

Time in Madurai moved very slowly. I avoided discussing with my mom about the pregnancy. She was careful too not to talk about it.  All my loved ones just behaved as if there is no such happening at all, the pain everyone went through has made them very cautious. Nobody was ready to acknowledge that pregnancy. On one such lazy day in Madurai I happened to meet my friend; she studied with me in college. First I saw her mom in the nearby farmer’s market. She was selling some of the produces from her farm. I enquired about my friend and she said that she doesn’t have children too. She said, ‘I will definitely ask ‘I’ to meet you’. One day my friend came to my home. She appeared as the same person as she was in college - bubbly, tralkative, laughing a lot. When she heard what happened to my twins her eyes were wet. She said, ‘Manju, you must have gone through hell. I am really sorry for what happened, do not worry, I will pray to God, you will have your children soon’. All the time I was watching her, she was not a bit sorry for herself. She genuinely felt my pain, worried for me, tried to comfort me.

I struggled for the right words to ask about her. She opened up. She said, ‘Manju, I have gone through very difficult times. We both had all the treatments that were possible.  As a result we lost everything. My mom was telling to call you since you gave her your phone number. I wanted to talk to you so badly but you know what, I don’t have enough balance in my SIM card to talk to you. This is our situation now. We have lost everything due to infertility treatment. The company my husband worked was also closed due to some reason. Now we both work far away from home. Being away from home town also helps us to escape from several uncomfortable questions we face here. I have heard so many hurtful words till now. All my siblings have children, when I go to some family functions it is very difficult to face people and their thoughtless comments.  Manju, I wanted to adopt my brother’s son after my sister-in-law died. In my home everyone was ready to give him for adoption but my in-laws didn’t agree. I have accepted my fate now. We will be without children, nobody will there for us during our old age. Time goes on very slowly. I stitch clothes and that helps to pass some time. There is a kind of emptiness always. The only solace is my husband; he takes care of me well; we just live for each other. If some stranger asks me about children, nowadays I say that they are staying with my mom and studying there’. She was telling all this with tears flowing down her cheeks and with a smile. We both were holding each other’s hand and crying silently. I had no words of wisdom to tell her. I understood she had ovarian failure. I even tried to coax her into using donor eggs. She just said that children are a closed chapter in her life. She said, ‘only now I am bit peaceful, please do not ask me to do anything more’. She left after sometime wishing me all well. I sat there confused and baffled, will I too end up like this!

My friend’s ordeal and the pain she is going through lingered in me for a long time afterwards. I compared my situation with hers. I felt grateful to be able to afford such treatment and for having very supportive loved ones around, but at the same time I wondered whether I am doing everything right. The question which always arises within me and which I try to keep suppressed came back with full force - am I going too far to have a baby? I consoled myself by saying, I am not doing anything immoral and I assured myself that I will do my best to Rita. This gave me some peace of mind. 

The 6^th week scan results came. I felt numb seeing that. I called Rajender and said not to keep his hopes high. I mailed Dr. Malpani, he agreed too that it is worrisome but he said, ‘let us hope for the best’. The scan report at 6 weeks read as below:

Gestation sac: 8.3mm =4.5 weeks

No fetal pole seen as yet

Chorionic reaction is poor

A bleed seen inferiorly, measuring 8x9 mm

Miracles do happen, now the question is – WILL IT HAPPEN FOR Manju?

What infertile couples go through when undergoing IVF ?

This is an e-mail which I received from one of my virtual friend. I had tears when I finished reading it. She has penned very beautifully what she went through during her IVF journey. This letter will be very useful for other patients, and for IVF doctors as well. Many more women should come forward to share what they go through during the IVF process. I wish San a very beautiful life ahead and may all her wishes come true !

Hi, 

I never share what I feel throughout my ivf journey with anyone. It’s very difficult to express in words...But my experience is not that long and terrific like others. When I read other women experience on Ivf forums, I feel mine is nothing. But the impact of this short learning period is much deeper in my heart. I thought after marriage everybody gets pregnant easily. I never saw a couple struggling for baby at my native place. Never heard of this word IVF...I was completely unknown about these infertility treatments. But six months after marriage I feel that I need a baby. I was thinking why not happening .Started reading on internet how to get pregnant fast J... Waited for one year. As I am 29 and habby is 36 year old. So I convinced my hubby for regular basic check up. He was not ready for that. I had done ultrasound scan for first time in my life.I felt so awkward .Dr told me that there was a uterine polyp of 1cm.and ovary seems polycystic. I asked my dr. Is this a reason for not getting pregnant? She said not sure...But it has to be removed. My hubby’s SA test was scheduled but he thought first we will do this procedure ...I think we should have been taken opinion of other doctors also. But my hubby was not involved in this process. I went alone for scan also. He thought that I should wait for a year or so. Polyp had been removed successfully .My mother was with me that time and She was shocked, we also.

Then our doctor told us to try for a baby soon after the procedure then she added it might take one and half year.We tried but unsuccessful .Then I forced my hubby for SA test. His report was also not great. Low motility, morphology .Only 16 million counts. In that abnormal count is more. She said it is sufficient for pregnancy but It will take time.Conceiveing naturally with this count is little difficult. She gave lots of medicine to both of us. But after few months we visited her again.That time she suggested us IUI with injection and medicines. Before IUI procedure we found in SA test that my DH’s count was 13 million only after taking so much of vitamin tablet. From that moment my DH skipped all the medicine. That was fine for me.

 Her clinic was ok but she didn’t have that proper OT table for procedure. Overall procedure was very uncomfortable and painful for me .That was a first failed IUI cycle. After that we took a 4 months gap. My husband promised me that he will maintained good and healthy lifestyle to improve sperm quality...after reading on internet that some women got positive result in their second or third try of iui I decided to go for second try. Before taking a meds I confirmed twice from DR that my DH count was sufficient for iui. Her answer was yes. But just after the procedure she said that quality and quantity is not good enough for iui .Then she gave SA report to me. I saw value in that report was same which mentioned in previous report. I didn’t understand if she knew it before the procedure that this much count was not sufficient then why she made us to spent 20 k for it. It was also failed cycle. Then I was telling my hubby that we should change our doctor. I searched on internet But I didn’t find any good doctor in Bangalore...Every Dr. Profile had bad review. I was so confused. My DH was not with me in this search operation.He told me whatever u decides I will do it.

My hubby thinks now also that all are fake reports or lack of valid theory and there is no problem in his count. He thinks something is wrong with my uterus acceptance.And whenever I showed our report to any doctor in Bangalore .They said that there is problem in my hubby’s count. I can be pregnant but not sure .But I don’t want to listen about the problem that he has I want solution because I love him I want a baby from him.

Because of all this I quit my job I thought work pressure was not good in a conceiving stage .I was working with Animation Company in Bangalore...Mine was love marriage but it was arranged by our family .They are not happy from us. We thought everything will be fine when we will have a baby but after this infertility struggle for 4 years without anybody’s support I was so frustrated and I started blaming myself and my hubby. I told him so many times that because of him I am facing this trouble and we married without our parents’ wish that’s because their blessing was not with us. But after talking like this with him I felt bad all the time...He loves me so much  that he never complained about my behaviour and listened silently all my crap words. 

After a year we decided to go for an ivf .My hubby supported me in this decision because it was our last option and Doctor was same because my hubby thought that she knew my previous medical history. She established her new clinic very well. When I visited her for first scan she told me that she brought new machine for scan and that detected blood flow towards uterus is very minimal in my case. With her new machine this sentence was also new for me. I was shocked. She told me to do lots of test. She did HSG test (without anaesthesia) and that was unbearable for me .But good news was my both tubes were open.  I read about test meaning on internet. After investigating so much about ivf on net I found that there was some unnecessary test (TB test of uterus that cost 3k).When I asked her about it in my next visit she scolded me literally that Reading on net can cause stress and it reduced chances of getting pregnant. My hubby also thought the same. He supported her thinking and told me to stop reading in front of her. I was quite. She gave so much meds and told us that we had 60 to 70 % chances of conceiving via ivf as my optimal fertility rate and my egg quality was very good. But she was not talking about blood flow towards uterus. In second scan she told me everything is good.  I asked her” how is my uterine blood flow?” She said there is nothing which can cause any problem in pregnancy” and she added stop reading on net and told my hubby to disconnect net connection...Her behaviour was strange. But I was collecting information because all these things and terms were new for me. I should know everything. But my hubby had a faith that she was a brilliant dr. and I should not question her. As she completed her study from London and she had an experience of ivf in Australia.

I was person who scared of injections .I avoided injection so many times in my life .But this time I was happily ready for it. She gave minimal dose of meds because my body is sensitive .That was not minimal for me daily three injection in tummy and that was so painful. After a few days she told me that there was a concern of hyper stimulation in my case because my body was over reacting with minimal meds. She collected 16 eggs and out of that 12 fertilised...embryo quality was also very good (grade A). She was decided to transfer one embryo in same cycle. But we wanted to transfer two to increase the chances. She was not ready for that, but I forced her. After the transfer I was on complete bed rest as she recommended at least for one week. I was so positive and happy in those two weeks. But after two weeks I got negative resultL. I was shocked and angry also. After taking so much medicines, blood tests and scans how it is possible. On the same day 6 ET was done, out of that no one got positive result. Staff told me this. I thought there was something wrong from doctor’s end.  Dr. told me I had a beautiful 6 frozen embryos so try next time. She didn’t have any sad feeling for me. I cried for 4 days. My habby was also upset. But I realised he felt bad because he spent more than 2lakh and got nothing. 

After a month of gap DR planned for FET. On the ET day we were waiting for our turn. Nobody was informing us what happened. Why she was taking so much time to transfer. She kept us waiting for 5 hours. She said embryos were not enlarging properly...She was not telling the truth. She told us to come on next day. In this treatment I knew timing was very important. I didn’t understand why she kept those embryos for one night. . I knew that vitrification process takes close to 45 minutes to enlarge. She told me on next day that I lost my two embryos while thawing. When we inquired her staff about her embryologist we got to know that she was on leave. My dr’s husband was a specialist in allergy who thawed my embryos. He was very rude person. He was in charge of medical and embryology department. I was aware of thawing process. Out of ten embryos one might not survive in the thawing process .but two 5 day grade A embryo we lost. We were so angry that time .why didn’t she appointed any other embryologist. When we asked her she said,”it’s a very easy process anybody can do this”. My husband scolded on her .He shouted on other staff also. It was so Irritating and frustrating moment for us. But we controlled our anger because our rest 4 embryos were in that clinic.

Next day I went alone for transfer because my husband was very angry and I didn’t want any more quarrels in clinic. This time she was angry she called me in her cabin and said, “I will pack your embryos, take it and get your transfer done in any other clinic”. I managed that situation anyhow and convinced her for transfer. I was so disappointed I literally cried in front of her. She promised me that if this cycle failed she will give me free ivf cycle because she had soft corner for me. I think that’s because my face looks innocent. This time she transferred two embryos.That ended up in a negative result after so much drama.

We lost faith from this treatment. I told to Doctor that for my last two embryo transfer I was not going to do any blood test this time. After 2 to 3 scan, very less medicine, no blood test and she was ready to transfer 2 embryos. On the day of ET when I asked about the embryo quality she said one was good but other was small. But while telling this she was not looking at me. She was lying. Because I was on OT table for 20 minutes before transfer and she was observing the embryos with her husband. I was able to see her from OT table. I thought again she did something wrong and hiding it from me. At the time of transfer I could see only one embryo on that screen clearly. She didn’t take money from us. That cycle also failed.

But this time I didn’t cry. When I told her about my negative result she sms me that she will give one free ivf cycle. I didn’t reply to that massage.

I am looking for new job now. While searching something I saw your blog. I read all the articles. As I am an artist I am little sensitive. I cried. Most of your feeling and thoughts are just like mine. I also love cats. I have three cats at my hometown. After reading your blog I feel guilty about my husband. I tortured him. I insulted him so many times .Because of me he kept himself away from his parents for one year. We haven’t seen my sister in laws’ 2 year baby. We missed all family functions purposely. He scarifies a lot of things. Already he suffered a lot in life. He has three sisters he arranged their marriages and their baby’s first birthdays also. He has so much bank loan. He hasn’t done anything for himself. We leave in rented apartment .I don’t want to trouble him now. He is fond of cars. So instead of wasting money on this I allow him to buy brand new car. His happiness while driving a car is more important than my baby desire. I don’t want to compare happiness with baby from now. I will live each day happily. 

Your blog changed my mind completely. When I share my feeling about life and baby with my husband .I can see happiness in his eyes. Because he wants to see me happy. One thing I like about you that your mother understands you. You can share your feelings with her. But in my case I can’t share anything with her...whenever she called me before asking about me she asks about my period and every time she tells me a new name of women who recently got pregnant. 

Thanks,

San.