A pilgrimage in search of baby luck!

After a day or two in Madurai, my mom slowly started this topic. She has tried to talk to me about this before, but in vain.  She used to say, shall we go to this temple (there are several temples in India where childless couple go and offer their prayers in a belief that their wish gets fulfilled) or pray to this God and promise to offer something so that our baby wish gets materialized. I used to tell her, pray to God, I have nothing against it. I do pray to God all the time, sometimes I ask for a baby and sometimes if it appears too irrational I just ask for the strength to bear whatever comes my way in this infertility journey; and God has always listened to my prayers, he has given me the strength to bear whatever comes my way! I would tell my mom, other than praying to God please do not get yourself involved in any other extreme religious practices! I knew for sure many irrational beliefs could bring lots of heartache and unnecessary expenditure. If the person is not emotionally strong there is a danger of falling into lifelong obsession; even spiritual obsession can be life and soul destroying! I used to insist, amma, instead of all that please help people around you in some way or other, and then God will be much happier with us. Actually I acquired this attitude from my dad.  I have never seen him going voluntarily to any temple. I know he prays to God, I know that he believes in a super power but unfortunately I never had a chance to know what his definition of ‘God’ is! He vehemently opposed superstitious beliefs. Without looking for auspicious dates, without giving our life’s decision to any astrologer or God man’s hand we lived such a happy, peaceful and fulfilling life devoid of irrational fears!

But this time the situation was much different. Our elders were in a state of disbelief and shock. We were too, but we had our own coping mechanisms. We spent our time learning why things went wrong; we were able to satisfy our mind with scientific explanations; we are young and had lot more things to do which could divert our mind from what happened – our work, friends, entertainment etc. But my mom and Rajender’s parents had only one coping mechanism – God and the beliefs related to Him! Rajender’s mom gave our birth dates to a nearby village priest and asked whether something is wrong with our horoscopes, the priest said, might be there is ‘sarpadhosha’ (which can be translated into English as ‘serpent’s curse’) and if you go to temples where snake is worshiped and perform ‘pujas’(worship),  everything will be well from now. At the same time, my mom’s brother was insisting that we visit a temple in Kerala called ‘Mannarasala’, which is coincidentally a temple where serpents are worshiped too. When our parents brought forth their wishes to us, I told Rajender, let us do it this time. They feel so scared and insecure by whatever happened. We are also thinking of traveling somewhere and our greatest wish is to take our parents along with us to some tourist destinations. We were out of our country for almost 10 years. Once in a couple of years we could manage to come to India for a period of only a month or so. That short time was not enough to take our parents with us for some holiday. This is a great chance to make our wish come true too, so let us do it. 

We decided to split our pilgrimage into two parts: one with my mom and uncle and the other with Rajender’s parents. With my mom we planned to go to Kerala and on the way back we decided to visit ‘Munar’, which is a very beautiful hill station. With Rajender’s parents we decided to go to Tirupathi and Kalahasthi (kala=snake, hasthi=elephant). Our trip to Kerala was arranged by my uncle, who is my mother’s sister’s husband and I have to talk here about my uncle and aunt and the ordeal they went through in life!

My aunt and uncle had two wonderful children – a boy and a girl! When the girl was around 16 years old, they lost her to blood cancer. That was a very painful death for their child. When they recovered slowly from what happened and tried to concentrate on their son, they lost him too to a car accident when traveling to Tirupathi! Their son was doing his MS in USA at that time. This horrible incident happened when he came for a month holiday to India. My aunt and uncle were in the same car but they escaped with minor injuries. They lost their son, who occupied the front seat of the car, to whiplash injury to his spinal cord. I cry when I write this. If the loss of my children at 5 months pregnancy could give me hell lot of pain and drive me mad, how to describe their pain? My aunt would say, ‘in the accident my spectacles broke and when they brought my son’s body to me, I couldn’t even see him properly’. Life is cruel, very cruel and unfair too! Theirs is a very happy family and their beautiful nest was shattered beyond belief within seconds. They say now, 'we thought we will end our life. But it is not that easy too’. To make the story short, my uncle turned all his attention to his business after this incident. He left the government job he had. He helped to educate many poor children who now look upon my uncle and aunt as their parents. He became the guardian for many in our family. He earns a lot now; helps many people; he gives job to many families and all this he achieved after his loss, after the age of 55! If you are someone who thinks infertility is the utmost pain and curse, how will you call what happened to them? They proved that what happened to them doesn’t matter but taking life in its stride and making it meaningful after all that happened to them is what that matters the most!

So one fine morning we left our home in a comfortable vehicle for the pilgrimage. My uncle and aunt were coming out of their nest after 10 years. We were so happy that it is happening because of us. My uncle likes Rajender so much - he sees his son in him. That is the beauty of my husband’s nature, people fall in love with him in the first meeting. His good nature reflects in his face, and the way he is humble, caring and respectful will touch even the most hard-hearted person. Yes, of course I am proud of him! Even my family loves him more than they love me, including my mom!

When we entered from Tamil Nadu to Kerala, I felt I am in ‘God’s own country’! Kerala is such a beautiful and fertile state, while most regions in Tamil Nadu is dry. My mom actually grew up and had her education in Kerala. She was so happy to visit Kerala again. We actually went to the place where she lived with her parents. It is called ‘Alappuzha’. I was born there. I got to see the house where my grandparents lived. After 35 years it is still there unaltered but somebody else lives there now. The most beautiful happening is that, my mom got to meet her friends after 35 years (with whom she had no contacts at all!) The happiness they shared when they met each other was soulful. I had a great satisfaction that the trip has served its purpose. When my mom used to talk about her friends with a twinkle in her eyes, I used to wonder, will they ever be able to meet again. But now she has contact with almost all her friends.

We first went to ‘Mannarasala’ temple. It is in ‘Alappuzha’ district. My mother’s brother who is now more than 70 years of age guided us throughout the journey. He is the one who is very eager to make us visit the temple. I could see his happiness and enthusiasm even at that age. If you want to know more about ‘Mannarasala’ please visit this link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mannarasala_Temple.It is a beautiful temple situated in a forest area. There were statues of serpents everywhere. We were asked to buy a metal snake figure and a small cylindrical wood (called ‘uruli’) along with some other items  for worship. After the ‘puja’ is over we were directed to a very old woman priest. She sat inside a small room and via the window of that room our details including our name and birth dates were given to her. They said that she will write our name on the cylindrical wood and will pray for us to give us our generation to ‘Nagaraja’ (Serpent Gods). Once we have our baby, we must go with our baby to the temple and give the receipt they have given us. With that they will identify the cylindrical wood with our name on it and will remove it or change its position. This is what we were told and this is what we did. They also asked us to pray in this way to the serpent God there, ‘if we or our ancestors have done any harm to you or your generations please forgive us and give us our baby!’ Tears were running down my cheeks when I said this, at that moment my rational brain has taken a back step. We prayed; we did whatever was told to us whole-heartedly and with utmost respect (atleast Rajender did so!) . I could see so many women who came to offer their prayers; I saw so many women who came with their beautiful babies to offer their thanks and I felt I will also have my baby! We were given some holy ash and were asked to have it on our forehead every day after taking bath. We did follow it as much as we could. This article in Dr. Malpani’s blog will be very interesting and informative too: http://blog.drmalpani.com/2014/03/infertility-in-hindu-mythology-dr.html

Then from there we travelled to several temples. We went to Trivandrum too. We got a chance to visit ‘Sree Padmanabhaswany Temple’, which is situated in Trivandrum.  That whole day we were travelling and visiting temples. It was a great experience. My mind was so calm and fearless. I enjoyed thoroughly the nature’s beauty what Kerala offered us and the food was amazing. Whenever we need to enter a temple we have to remove our sandals and walk bare footed. My feet were getting natural acupuncture. At some places there were stones, at some places there was sand, and in some places there was grass and all those created different sensations on my bare foot.  When the stones pricked, it was a bearable pain, the sand tickled my feet, and grass beds were very soothing. The temperature varied too: some places were hot, some were cool, some wet! My feet enjoyed so many different sensations at a time and I just loved it! When evening came, we went to the beach and when I stood with my bare feet in sea water, I felt worriless and peaceful. I really thought, ‘Do someone has a beautiful life than me? In the past few months, I have tasted so many different emotions in life – happiness (after conception of twins), fear and excitement (during pregnancy), horrible emotional pain (when I lost my children), insecurity (when we decided to get back to India), happiness and content (when we got to see our parents and spend time with them), peacefulness, joy, renewed faith and hope (when we had this trip) and lots of love! I really thanked God for my life; I thought I wouldn’t exchange my beautiful life with anyone else in this world and for anything!’ At the same moment, a fear struck me too; I silently prayed standing in the beach that I should never ever face the ordeal which I went through (losing my twins)’

Did God listen to my prayers?

When we came home after the beautiful Kerala trip, the surrogacy agreement papers were waiting for us. We signed it and sent it back. Within few weeks after that, embryo transfer was scheduled for Rita. My two embryos which were frozen on day 3, which were grown to day 5 (during previous FET cycle where I conceived my twins) and refrozen again, were thawed. Did those embryos survive the thaw? Were those embryos successfully transferred to Rita’s womb? Remember, those little embies were my last chance to have my genetic baby, as per our decision!

Female foeticide - Why are we so obsessed about the foetus 'Right to Life' than our underprivileged womankind well-being?

My native is a village in south India. Our neighbourhood is occupied by people who belong to a particular caste. Their job (of those particular caste men) in olden times is thieving! Somehow ancient society came to term with the fact that theft is their means of survival and income (it is because theft with some kind acceptance from the society prevented those people from committing horrendous crime!). People belonging to that caste used to steal cattles from neighbouring village and the stolen cattles were retrieved back by giving money or grains to the people who stole them. They are very aggressive people (even now!). Women in their community are treated like cattles. The passion to have a boy child is extremely high among those people. The wish to have a particular sex baby is not wrong but they do this at the expense their girl child’s welfare. Girl children are taken for granted. They deprive them of proper nutrition and education.

In front of my house there lived a woman who had two girl children. She went on to have two more girl child but they were killed as soon as they were born. The fifth girl child survived few years because it is a belief that fifth child brings luck to the family! But when that fifth girl child became ill it was not given proper medical care and was allowed to die. A doctor started a private practise near my home. He came to know of all these happenings and he took the woman when she was pregnant again for a scan to know the sex of the baby (of course illegal!). But his stand is at least the baby can be aborted (if it is a girl) so that no cruel murder will take place. I really appreciate him. Fortunately the baby is a boy and the particular family were happy because their dream of having a boy child came true. To end the story the boy when he was around 15 years ran away from home and their dreams that the boy child will take care of them when they become old is shattered! The first two girl children are married at the tender age of 15 or so and the vicious cycle continues again. I am very young at that time to understand and think seriously about all these things. But I used to hear all these stories. That particular woman’s husband poured hot oil over her head when she is frying some snacks (because of a fight!). She used to sell those snacks to sustain her family. That is the plight of women living in such bad socio-economic conditions!

I told my dad once ‘how horrible that woman is, she killed her babies as soon as they are born!’ My dad said, ‘You do not know about their social condition. Those women have no rights to take any decision. Even if she has decided to kill her babies, you must think about the situation which made a mother behave like that. The situation of female child in that particular community is not so good. They have to undergo all sorts of child abuse. When a mother feels that her child should not undergo the sufferings she has endured perhaps she decides to end the baby’s life at the very beginning. They do not have the money to afford many children and she cannot also avoid her in-law's or her husband’s pestering of having a boy child. If this has to change our society has to change. Our government has to implement programmes which will provide them job and education. Until the root cause of the problem like dowry, poverty and illiteracy is not cured these kind of female infanticide will continue to happen in our country’. He also said that ‘instead of curbing the root cause of the problem our government is trying to implement control measures which will lead ultimately to such happenings’. My dad was a judicial officer! I am angry with my dad for supporting that woman. I am angry at him for his inability to do anything. I thought ‘as a judge why can’t he put them behind bars'. Now I realize what he said is true.

When women from affluent socio-economic conditions sit in their comfort zone and talk about female foeticide I get angry. Actually what do they know? They should come out and move with those women to know what is actually happening (for sure they can’t even survive a single day in those conditions!). They should realise how horrifying the living condition of such women are! What kind of life those girl children are leading (filled with negligence, lack of education, lack of nutrition and sexual abuse)! People who fight against female foeticide talk about the foetus ‘right to life’. They never seem to care about what happens when the foetus really becomes a human with the ability to feel pain and emotions! As a woman struggling to have a baby I cannot support any form of killing (Baby, baby everywhere (even people abort or kill too!) but still I am unable to get one to shower my love :( ) But in case if I end up with multiple pregnancy and if I am advised to do selective abortion for the benefit of one foetus I will definitely go for it in order to give at least one of my offspring the best chance of survival. Am I a murderer then? So if parents do so in order to balance the family (having a boy and a girl) or to give their offspring the best economic condition by aborting an unwanted baby, is it wrong? Should we just be selfish to protect our species (we kill animals for recreation, for eating, we even kill chimpanzees and gorillas which are capable of learning languages and have emotions like us!, nobody cares about their pain or emotionsas much as we care for a human foetus which do not feel any pain or emotions.) and propagate our genes as much as possible and be careless once they come into the world and leave them with the attitude ‘let the best survive’, ‘let natural selection do its job!’. Until we are not able to change the living conditions of such women and girl children we have no rights to talk or comment about what they are doing with the foetus (or even the infant!) they create!


If our government implement laws to prevent female foeticide then people from poor socio-economic background try killing the infants after birth and if the law threatens them again they will just vanish leaving the girl child in dustbins. Why is our society so afraid of girl child? The answer is simple-dowry, poverty and illiteracy. Until these issues are addressed properly there is no point in creating laws to protect the female foetuses. Is PNDT successful in preventing female foeticide? Definitely not! It has only lead to gruesome murders (infanticide) and to the act of abandoning the girl child. What will happen if PNDT act is withdrawn? Women living in poor socio-economic conditions will benefit from it. They do not have to carry a baby all nine months only to kill or abandon them. The girl child who comes into this world unwelcomed need not have to face negligence, physical and emotional violence. If unwanted teenage pregnancies could be aborted for the benefit of the concerned female why can’t we provide that right to a couple (especially to a woman who is already facing a hell lot of socio-economic problems, in-law’s and husband’s torture) who want to complete their family with a girl or a boy?


Another main argument put forward by the social activists is, if female foeticide continues the ratio of female to male will dwindle. They insist that if it happens then violence against women will be more as males in our society will start fighting for the woman and try to own them. Females will be considered like a property. I do not think so, my view is a bit different. If the number of females available for marriage decreases, naturally the value of woman goes up in the marriage market which will ultimately lead to the eradication of dowry or the entire dowry system will be reversed (like a male has to offer dowry inorder to marry a woman).Why shouldn’t we let it happen? Let human's face the consequence of their deeds. Nature is so powerful and for sure it will bring back the balance in the human ecosystem.


Think it in this way-if you find a small baby and a young doctor getting drowned and if you have the chance to save only one of them who will you save? Saving a doctor is far more beneficial for the society isn’t it? Now think of a woman who is already tormented by our social system and her unborn foetus which cannot recognize pain and does not posses any emotions? Whose well-being will you consider first? If you still do not understand just consider the fact that the pitiful woman is once upon a time a foetus. Does it make sense now if you cannot take out the foetus inhibition from your brain? Let us first consider the happiness of our womankind who is in flesh and blood. Let us work towards their betterment and then we can think about the foetuses. Our society is simply not yet ready to consider the foetus ‘Right to Life’ when our fellow adult women are struggling for their ‘Right to Dignity’. My dad used to advise me when I use my emotions to judge a situation, ' Manju, be rational. In life there are only very few situations which demands you to decide with your heart (emotional thinking) and 99.9% of the time it is better to use your brain (rational thinking)'. I think this topic is also one such thing where your emotions should take a back seat.

Let me know what you think. All sorts of criticism are most welcome!