Our Journey After Twin Loss

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Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Infertility hurts - and you are not alone !



This post ,  I found in a IVF support group ,  written by Sarah Marie ( Sarah Wu ). She is an herbalist and permaculture teacher , living in Costa Rica .

This is how people who go through infertility feel. She has poured her heart out. This post will help others who are in a similar situation as her's to realize that they are not alone. May her infertility journey have a happy ending , and so be all yours !

" I am asking only for an open heart and an open mind...
I need to get this off my chest, it weighs so heavy...
My life is wonderful and I am beyond blessed.
And I have done everything I can think of... And now I want to share, with my friends, family, community, allies, acquaintances, connections and the world...
I have cast spells, prayed to the Mother, prayed to the Father, called to my ancestors, I have lit candles night after night, I have had akashic karmic healing, past life regressions and energy work. I work with crystal, plant and animal medicines. I read tarot, medicine cards, runes and pendulums. I have done mikvahs.  I have burned, buried, drowned and blown away that which doesn't serve me. I gaze at the moon, sun and stars. I have died and been reborn with Ayahuasca. I have used blood magik. I have chanted and prayed to the Virgin Mary, Durga, Kwan Yin, Juno, Inanna and Diana. I never stop reading and researching. I use western and Chinese herbs. I follow diets and eat what I want. I have had and regularly receive Acupuncture, massage, reiki, kinesiology, cranial sacral, abdominal massage and guided meditation. I have been hypnotized and I lucid dream. Have had my Vedic and Western astrological charts read. I have a therapist, Drs., friends and family.  I read my Basal Body Temperature daily, weekly, monthly.  I have taken handfuls of supplements. I try to keep my weight up. I manage stress and work hard. Have had endocrine tests, blood tests, and sperm tests. Have had my tubes checked, multiple ultrasounds and endometrial biopsies. I have given myself so many shots in the stomach, ass and thighs that it doesn't scare me anymore. I have felt my ovaries swell and lost my mind to hormone overload. I have had three rounds of IVF, two IUIs, intravenous immunoglobulin treatments and paternal lymphocyte therapies. I had a hysteroscopy and a polyp removed from my uterus. My ovaries sometimes have cysts.
I know my body, mind and heart better than most people will ever know and I still don't understand.
I have felt my heart break more times than I thought humanly possible. I have felt incompetent, insufficient, depleted, hopeless, scared, ashamed, useless, pitied and like I wanted to die. I have felt bad for myself, jealous of others, angry, sad, depressed, alone and numb. I have felt empowered, brave, healthy, loved, supported, nourished, held and faithful. I feel alive, I feel strong, well, confident, I love myself and I love all life.
I ask why almost every day. Why me? What did I do? Who did this to me? Why is this my karma? What is the lesson? Will this help me to be a better person? A better woman? A better mother? A better friend, lover and wife? A better teacher and better healer? Will this help me to help others? Will it happen? When?
This is my struggle and pain... These are my lessons, my inspirations and reflections.
With every month, comes the bleeding of disappointment and sadness, comes the blood of empowerment and gratitude.
Will I give up one day? Will it happen? Will my biological child be the ultimate gift from the Goddess? Will she help me? Will we adopt? Will we?
I still don't know...
I will stay my course...  listen to my heart and keep trying... I feel my baby near...
In gratitude... "
Sarah Marie

6 comments:

  1. I can totally relate to what Sarah has written from experience. It's been 8 years and I have tried everything...4 IUIs, 2 IVFs, 1 FET, HSG, Polypectomy, hysteroscopy D&C, PCOS, BBTs, thyroid tests.... homoeopathy, ayurveda, allopathy, eating a raw leaf, yoga, astrology, face reading, temples, fervent prayers, sleepless nights, periods of disappointment...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am really , really sorry - I know the pain and hurt very well. Be strong and do your best. Lots of love and good luck ! If you think I could be of some help , please do write to me.

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    2. I am really , really sorry - I know the pain and hurt very well. Be strong and do your best. Lots of love and good luck ! If you think I could be of some help , please do write to me.

      Delete
  2. Hi Manju,

    I opted for signle embryo transfer with FET and it was A grade embryo. Now after 9 weeks of Pregnancy i have been found to be carrying mono-mono twins which is very rare in Single embryo transfer. is this normal as my RE freaked us about it. what is your thoughts on this ? we still are excited as well as freaked about it.

    Regards
    Kala

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    Replies
    1. Dear Kala ,

      My hearty congratulations ! Although I have no personal experience , all I would tell you is , do not panic , read a lot and educate yourself. I am sure there are many support groups online and also in FB. Please join that , you will get to talk to women who has been there and done it. This will help you to acquire lots of knowledge and suggestions. Take one day at a time and have faith all will work out well. Prayers and good luck !

      http://www.twin-pregnancy-and-beyond.com/mono-mono-twins.html

      Delete
    2. Dear Kala ,

      My hearty congratulations ! Although I have no personal experience , all I would tell you is , do not panic , read a lot and educate yourself. I am sure there are many support groups online and also in FB. Please join that , you will get to talk to women who has been there and done it. This will help you to acquire lots of knowledge and suggestions. Take one day at a time and have faith all will work out well. Prayers and good luck !

      http://www.twin-pregnancy-and-beyond.com/mono-mono-twins.html

      Delete

Please do write to me! It makes me happy :)