Happy Birthday , Dr !

Many more happy returns of the day , Dr ! Have a very happy and successful year ahead ! Thanks for helping us to bring Anisha into our lives , she makes our life worth living :)

What not to say to a woman who is struggling to conceive ?

Haven't written for ages. Haven't replied emails. But , on this Mother's Day I just couldn't keep mum. So here are my thoughts. Hope all are doing good. My hearty wishes for a journey which will yield you all what you desire most ❤

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. I couldn't fathom how I am feeling about it. After 8 years of infertility treatments , I had my daughter. If I think of those days when I was grappling with infertility - I remember the repeated failures ; struggle ; emptiness ; hopelessness ; enormous yearning for a kid ; and I also remember the constant ultrasounds ;  hundreds of injections and lots of medicines.  Not only that , I also remember how strong I got day by day ; how that experience spiritually transformed me into a better person. I also remember fondly the people who helped me achieve Anisha. More than everything , I am thankful to people who had the right things to say.

There are people who think Mother's Day is not for someone who didn't give birth ( Doesn't everyone has a lovely mother even if they didn't give birth by themselves ! ) So , wish everyone ( every woman deserves mother's day wish ) - no body comes into this world without a mother.

On this Mother's Day , I want to share with people the things you shouldn't say to women who are childless.

1. Don't say "Children are God's gift"

You might use this sentence very innocently. But women who are struggling to conceive can be very hurt by this ' well - meaning " statement. When you say so , you automatically take a higher position. It indirectly means , God has gifted something very precious to you , while He has denied that to them. Pause for a moment , and think before you speak. If children are God's gift , pedophiles must be infertile - are they really infertile ? Is there a bigger sin than sexually assaulting an innocent child ?

2. Don't brag about how easily you got pregnant

No woman who is struggling to have a baby would love to hear that. Yes , some women get pregnant at the drop of a hat. It doesn't make her superior in anyway. Even animals get pregnant very easily . For example , haven't you seen pigs ? It's nice that your fertility apparatus is functioning fine - but , bragging about it to infertile women says a lot about you than your fertility apparatus.

3. Do not ask to adopt

Being infertile , doesn't warrant an infertile couple to be more charitable than you. Infertile couples have the same fears and concerns like you about bringing a new human into their life who is not genetically related to them. If you think adoption is such a great act , why didn't you adopt one when you have a child ( or children ) of your own ?

4. Do not say infertility treatments are costly and futile.

Every couple going through infertility treatments know well about it's pros and cons. Definitely , you are not more knowledgeable about them in this matter. So , it's better to keep your mouth shut. Do not scare them with your unscientific beliefs , like , infertility treatments causes cancer or birth defects. For your information , " No , they don't "

5. Don't talk about their age , weight , etc.,

Unless you are a medical professional , don't talk about the above mentioned things. They know well what is in favor of , and what is not in favour of them when undergoing treatment. Many women choose to get married later for many different valid reasons - even if the reason is not valid for you , it is for them.

6. Don't assume to be a "sexpert"

Do not advice about better sexual positions for conceiving. We have tried many you wouldn't even imagine. Don't advertise yourself as a "sexpert". We understand very well what you are trying to brag about ;)

7. Don't ask unnecessary questions

To probe , who is infertile - whether the man or the woman , is the worst kind of question you could ask an infertile couple. Don't be a nosey parker , it's none of your business.

8. Do not ask to relax

" Don't think too much - if you relax you will get pregnant " - This is the worst advice of all ! Will you tell a person suffering with cancer the same - " relax , you will be cured "  ? Infertility is also a medical problem. Stress will not prevent someone from conceiving. Infertility causes stress , stress didn't cause infertility. When facing a life crisis , not only we , you too will think about it all the time - because we need solutions , we all desperately search for a way to end the crisis. Which dumb person will sit and relax when something is going wrong with their life ? Not me !

9. Don't tell them to pacify God

First , infertility is not God's wrath. It's not God's curse. God has nothing to do with someone procreating - be it human or animals.  Yes , you have always come across a particular couple , who went to particular place of worship and got pregnant. But , you wouldn't know how much more a woman yearning for a baby is doing to cover all the bases ( from fasting , praying without ceasing and visiting many places of worship ). Don't add something else new to the list. And there are couples who see their problem in a purely scientific way - your well - meaning suggestions can be of no use to them. It's always wise not to bring God into infertility.

What can you say ?

If someone shares their infertility problem with you , it means they believe you. They believe that you won't hurt them. The best thing you can say to someone struggling with infertility is - " This too will pass , I am sending you my prayers and good wishes " More than saying something , show that you care by helping them in little ways, like ,  spending some quality time with them. It will help them forget their struggles for sometime.

Happy Mother's Day ! It doesn't matter whether you carry your child in your hand or heart , or in your memories - you are a beautiful mother ❤

How life style changes helped me to overcome premature ovarian failure ( POF ) - a real life infertility success story !

I got this very thoughtful email from my blog reader. Although , I do not support her view that eating organic food or doing yoga could help you conceive , I was really impressed by her detailed account. If it helps someone , inspires someone to make lifestyle changes , I would be very happy.

A word of caution - she is young and that could have made all the difference even if she is suffering from POF. Hope everyone gets lucky as she did.

Hi Manju,

I am an engineer by profession and work in the IT industry.  I am a long time follower of your blog. However,  haven’t gotten in touch with you before..The recent publication of  Sarah Marie’s post makes me write this to you. I have a tangential story to tell..

Me too a sufferer of infertility.  We have been searching for our baby luck for 9 long years and finally found our bundle of joy!. I had severe female factor infertility.  Premature ovarian failure was the diagnosis. I have had 8 failed IUI’s and 4 failed IVFs. At 28, I was told my menopause is  approaching. My AMH was very low.  I responded very poorly even to aggressive stimulation. Very few follicles . Even those follicles did not result in mature eggs. We  know very well, the pain of infertility is beyond anything that words can capture and the emotional trauma of giving up is bigger than continuing to try . Through my  struggles and fears, your blog had been a great moral support. Thank you so much!  I cried when you lost your twins, excited when you chose to have the embryo transfer yourself instead of the surrogate, delighted when you got pregnant and thanked God when beautiful Anisha was born. Indeed, I am so happy for you Manju!

 Coming back to my story, I had produced just 2 viable embryos in all those 4 IVFs combined! They too did not implant. For me, more than getting pregnant, producing a decent number of follicles itself was a huge challenge. I had one tube blocked and the other was clear. I was seriously advised to clip the other one too to prevent embryo implanting in the tubes.  

I came to know of Dr.Malpani through your blog.  I wrote to him, asking for a opinion before starting my 5th IVF. Even Doctors thought I was mad to go for one more IVF after the results I have had till then. But, I had come too far to go back. Dr.Malpani’s reply came back promptly with the treatment options ranging from aggressive stimulation to donor egg. Along with that he had prescribed some supplements and suggested to read the book “Inconceivable” by Julia Indichova. I least expected a book recommendation from an IVF specialist. I purchased the book and started reading it. It was the story of a woman who conceived naturally at the age of 42 after having been turned down by all IVF clinics. She had attributed her success to mind-body work, yoga practice, supplements,  some traditional medicines and a diet that included raw fruits and vegetables. The same list that was bashed and called as quackery in Sarah’s post. I too never took such unproven ways seriously because doctors have told me repeatedly there is nothing I can do to improve my egg quality.  Anyways, I liked the holistic approach. I  decided to try this keeping my next IVF attempt in suspension for a while. I had nothing to loose. I had already hit rock bottom 😃

I realized that I had totally started believing that my body is incapable of conceiving naturally because that’s what every Doctor  told me. I had to recover myself from that mindset first. The book helped me do that. I cannot exactly describe the process. It is about renewing one’s own connect with the body. IVF treatments had basically made me treat my body like a lifeless entity. I looked at it like an object - a place where  I let needles to be  punched in and then step aside to see if a  baby pops out. For five months I followed the suggestions in the book religiously. Grabbed every bit of information on diet that helped improve egg quality. Practiced yoga poses that  specifically help the pituitary glad.  Stopped all medications including DHEA. I saw my period length getting corrected. Getting closer to a 28 day cycle from 24 or 25 days and period blood looking healthier (It is only then, that I learnt how a healthy period blood should look like). On the sixth month I took acupuncture sessions for 20 days.I conceived my baby girl naturally the same month.  She was  born 2 months back. It was a normal delivery.  I  started approaching infertility specialists at the age of 28. I am 35 now :)

BTW, I did not pay for any other programs the author offered. It is easy to brush aside these alternative approaches  as unproven or not scientific. But, tell me  which pharma company is going to fund a research on yoga’s effect on harmonal balance. Who is going to make money  proving life style change can help in conception.  All the research happens only on the IVF drugs. It’s a race run by one man and no wonder he is the winner.  I am speaking from my experience.  My case may not stand scientific probing. I don’t have a  degree in biology. I am just an engineer. I am sharing my experience for  it might help someone out  there with a condition like mine. I just want to say there is hope even after multiple IVF failures.

What changes she did ?

1. Practiced yoga for 45 mins morning and evening (mainly the poses that help with pituitary functionality  Headstands and Shoulder stands).  I had a teacher come home and teach me.

2.Took a green juice every day (wheat grass power or goose berries)

3.Changed from cooked lunch to Raw vegetable salad. Eliminated Rice and Sugar. Switched to millet based diet and organic produce.

4.Took supplements Royal Jelly, Coq10, Shatavari, Wheatgerm oil.

5.Took acupuncture sessions for 20 days straight to correct ying-yang energy balance  (Dr.’s observation was that I had immunity disorder due to stress and male energy was dominant compared to female energy).

I leave it to you if you want to publish Julia’s name or even the letter itself. You built the blog . You are free to not publish content that you don’t agree with :)  I am totally fine with whatever you choose..

If anyone wants her email ID , I will be happy to provide.

Warm Regards,

Deepa

 

Warm Regards,

Deepa

How to regulate commercial surrogacy in India ?

There are now so many articles in favour of , and against , Indian government's move to ban commercial surrogacy. I do not want to get into that debate. I have gone through infertility and I know how hard it can be when you are denied the right to have your biological child because of a medical problem. On the other hand , surrogacy in India , in its present form , is definitely not ethical enough. The most exploited person in a surrogacy arrangement is the surrogate. When Indian doctors claim that this surrogacy arrangement is OK , and it's a win - win situation for all , I wonder whether they have ditched their conscience. In terms of benefit , in a surrogacy arrangement , the surrogate occupies the bottom rug of the ladder - but she does the most important and tedious job. The IVF patient and doctor are happy partners who are keen on getting their much needed baby and money , respectively. Although , intellectually speaking , this arrangement looks perfect - everyone gets what they want and no one is harmed - but the truth is , surrogate , who in majority of cases is uneducated and desperate for money ,  is exploited.

So , what can the Indian government do to regulate surrogacy rather than banning it ?

Step # 1

Does a patient really needs surrogacy ?

Government must set up a panel of doctors to decide whether a patient must be allowed to take up surrogacy or not.

If it is decided that a particular patient needs surrogacy to conceive , they must be first encouraged to find a relative who is willing to be their surrogate. If it fails , then they must be encouraged to pursue commercial surrogacy.

Step # 2

Examining the candidate who wants to be a surrogate.

Why shouldn't a surrogate's basic qualification be fixed ? A woman with a functional womb - is this qualification enough to be a surrogate ? Isn't it a profession which needs a bit of intelligence and understanding too - in order to safe guard their rights , their body ? Apart from medical tests , the woman who wants to be a surrogate must be tested for their basic knowledge regarding IVF procedure , pregnancy , the risk involved in surrogacy , surrogacy laws etc. They must be able to read and understand the surrogacy document - the documents must be available in local language. 

Step # 3

Surrogate banks must be set up by the government.

Women who wants to pursue as surrogate must register their details in the bank. Whenever a patient needs a surrogate , the bank must supply the surrogate in the order they are registered. Surrogate bank must fix a minimum fee for surrogacy - it must be the same nationwide. A surrogate must also be allowed to fix her rate - it can be anywhere above the minimal rate which is fixed by the surrogate bank. When doctors can fix their rate - why can't surrogates do the same ? If the intended parents agree to the rate , they can continue the surrogacy procedure with that particular surrogate , otherwise , they can try bargaining with the next surrogate in line. This kind of arrangement gives an upper - hand for the surrogates - and I believe it's extremely important to give power to the surrogates.

Step # 4

The IVF doctor will carry out the IVF procedure on the surrogate whom his / her patient has chosen. This kind of regulation , takes away the burden from the IVF doctors. They do not have to run behind agents for recruiting surrogates , they do not have to act as a middle - man between the patient and surrogate - this will give them lots of time to concentrate on their profession.

Step # 5

Once the surrogate gets pregnant she must be taken care of the intended parents. This will encourage patients to select an IVF clinic and surrogate bank which is situated in the proximity where they live. In this way , the stigma surrounding IVF procedure , including  surrogacy , can be removed. After all , the surrogate is carrying their baby - who else will take care of surrogate's need better than the intended parents ?

Banning surrogacy altogether , and telling patients who need surrogacy to adopt , is definitely against the citizens' right to freedom. Banning commercial surrogacy altogether can lead to many underground activities. The patients will definitely go to other countries where surrogacy is legal to fulfil their rightful wish. Why should the government loose the income ?

If foreign nationals are allowed to do surrogacy in India , the surrogates must be paid equal to what they would pay for a surrogate in their place ? Why should Indian wombs be a lot cheaper ? The care of foreign nationals' surrogate must be again taken care by a government agency.

I don't know whether I am intelligent enough to propose something like this. Might be there are many loop holes in this proposal which needs to be mended. My idea is to give a lot of power to surrogates so that they do not get exploited. This kind of arrangement also protects patients from unscrupulous IVF doctors.

I must mention about my surrogate here. If you are reading my blog for a long time now , you will know that I have attempted surrogacy once. Even though it didn't work out and I abandoned the option , I still have contact with my surrogate , Rita. Such a lovely soul she is. She keeps in touch with me via WhatsApp. She calls me didi ( sister ) and showers me with so much love and affection. On seeing the news about shootings in Germany , she was the first to enquire about our well being. She was so excited to see Anisha and loves her very much. She was so happy for me when I had Anisha. Her son talks to me too , especially when I and Rita couldn't communicate deeper because of the language barrier. Once I offered Rita to pay her children's education fees as long as they study. Do you know what her reply was - " thanks didi , I have enough ". What a rich woman she is ! I know her well. She was ready to carry my child for a mere 3500 dollars. Imagine how important is money for her. She gently refused to take money from me when I offered her. I am so gifted to come across her and she carried our embryo for six weeks :) 

Indian surrogates need to be paid better and they shouldn't be treated as cattles by hoarding them all in a small place when they become pregnant. Why should others earn more , and benefit more , at their expense ?

I would be very happy to hear reader's views and suggestions , please leave your comments below !

Infertility hurts - and you are not alone !

This post ,  I found in a IVF support group ,  written by Sarah Marie ( Sarah Wu ). She is an herbalist and permaculture teacher , living in Costa Rica .

This is how people who go through infertility feel. She has poured her heart out. This post will help others who are in a similar situation as her's to realize that they are not alone. May her infertility journey have a happy ending , and so be all yours !

" I am asking only for an open heart and an open mind...

I need to get this off my chest, it weighs so heavy...

My life is wonderful and I am beyond blessed.

And I have done everything I can think of... And now I want to share, with my friends, family, community, allies, acquaintances, connections and the world...

I have cast spells, prayed to the Mother, prayed to the Father, called to my ancestors, I have lit candles night after night, I have had akashic karmic healing, past life regressions and energy work. I work with crystal, plant and animal medicines. I read tarot, medicine cards, runes and pendulums. I have done mikvahs.  I have burned, buried, drowned and blown away that which doesn't serve me. I gaze at the moon, sun and stars. I have died and been reborn with Ayahuasca. I have used blood magik. I have chanted and prayed to the Virgin Mary, Durga, Kwan Yin, Juno, Inanna and Diana. I never stop reading and researching. I use western and Chinese herbs. I follow diets and eat what I want. I have had and regularly receive Acupuncture, massage, reiki, kinesiology, cranial sacral, abdominal massage and guided meditation. I have been hypnotized and I lucid dream. Have had my Vedic and Western astrological charts read. I have a therapist, Drs., friends and family.  I read my Basal Body Temperature daily, weekly, monthly.  I have taken handfuls of supplements. I try to keep my weight up. I manage stress and work hard. Have had endocrine tests, blood tests, and sperm tests. Have had my tubes checked, multiple ultrasounds and endometrial biopsies. I have given myself so many shots in the stomach, ass and thighs that it doesn't scare me anymore. I have felt my ovaries swell and lost my mind to hormone overload. I have had three rounds of IVF, two IUIs, intravenous immunoglobulin treatments and paternal lymphocyte therapies. I had a hysteroscopy and a polyp removed from my uterus. My ovaries sometimes have cysts.

I know my body, mind and heart better than most people will ever know and I still don't understand.

I have felt my heart break more times than I thought humanly possible. I have felt incompetent, insufficient, depleted, hopeless, scared, ashamed, useless, pitied and like I wanted to die. I have felt bad for myself, jealous of others, angry, sad, depressed, alone and numb. I have felt empowered, brave, healthy, loved, supported, nourished, held and faithful. I feel alive, I feel strong, well, confident, I love myself and I love all life.

I ask why almost every day. Why me? What did I do? Who did this to me? Why is this my karma? What is the lesson? Will this help me to be a better person? A better woman? A better mother? A better friend, lover and wife? A better teacher and better healer? Will this help me to help others? Will it happen? When?

This is my struggle and pain... These are my lessons, my inspirations and reflections.
With every month, comes the bleeding of disappointment and sadness, comes the blood of empowerment and gratitude.

Will I give up one day? Will it happen? Will my biological child be the ultimate gift from the Goddess? Will she help me? Will we adopt? Will we?

I still don't know...
I will stay my course...  listen to my heart and keep trying... I feel my baby near...

In gratitude... "

Sarah Marie

Dr.Malpani's Blog: Book Release - Patient Safety - Protect yourself f...

Dr.Malpani's Blog: Book Release - Patient Safety - Protect yourself f...: Please do come to our book release - Patient Safety - Protect yourself from Medical Errors on July 19 at KEM Hospital at 2 pm. This will...

Detox your way to IVF conception

I went through a website which is very popular among infertile women. They offer nutrition and exercise advice ; sell imagery CDs - which they claim , " they are as powerful as fertility drugs " ; and moreover , they offer emotional support. So , it's a complete package - and , it's completely natural ! They call it as natural fertility treatment. How I wish I could start something like that - who doesn't want to earn money !

Their website is full of word play - you get nothing useful from there until you pay money. And even if you pay , I wonder , what you will get out of it ! But nevertheless , they are very famous and have many glorious testimonies to their credit !

Let me come to the point - how to detox your body ? Before that , let me ask you some questions :

1. Do you have a very stressful life ?
2. Don't you eat organic food ?
3. Do you eat genetically modified food ?
4. Do you use lots of chemicals at home - shampoos , cleaning and washing lotions , soaps , etc., ?

If your answer is 'yes' for the above questions , it clearly shows you have poisoned your holy body ! This is the reason why so many diseases exist in modern world - from cancer to infertility ! It's a punishment imposed on humans for going against nature. Your body has accumulated so much of toxins - as a result , your ovaries have stopped functioning properly ; your embryos haven't implanted because your uterus is not embryo friendly as a result of all the toxins it has accumulated over the years ! If you could get rid of these toxins , you get your fertility back !

On reading the above , how many of you feel scared ? How many of you feel guilty ? How many of you are wondering what I can I do to get rid of the toxins ? This fear and guilt you feel is the raw material for many peoples' business - and unfortunately , many fall as prey for such scams , yes , scams !

Why do people believe such scams ? The foremost reason is , they lack knowledge about how human body works. Next comes the glorious advertisements and testimonials they see , read and hear - and ,  when it comes from a friend or doctor they trust , they easily fall for it.  The third is , when they meet a person who claims that treatments like detoxification works , and sells it too , they get carried away by their bedside manners - their promises , concern , care , consideration , reassurance and sympathy can feel like an oasis in their desperate attempt to hold on to hope and faith. As a result , many turn out to be loyal customers even if the treatment doesn't lead to what they wanted - they will find ways to suppress their rational part of the brain , because , all they remember is how emotionally pampered they are when going through such treatments. They stay loyal forever irrespective of the outcome !

Our body has amazing ability to remove any harmful substances that enters in. Organs like liver , kidney , skin , lungs , etc ., work to remove all the waste products that form in our body as a result of digestion and metabolism. The detoxification programmes claim that they help your body to eliminate wastes ( toxins ) better by making your liver and kidneys function better. They sell several herbs  and supplements for the same - and , what attracts people most is the word ' NATURAL .' Unfortunately people fail to understand that natural doesn't mean it is without unpleasant side - effects ; natural doesn't mean it's free of harmful chemicals ; natural doesn't mean it's safe. Actually , the herbs , herbal cocktails , vitamins and other supplements sold by them doesn't have FDA approval. This means ,  they are not checked for the ingredients they claim that it contains ; they are not checked for appropriate dosages - and hence there is no guarantee for their safety or efficacy. As a result , they can actually prove to be much harmful than you might imagine ! You are in danger of not only loosing your hard- earned money but also your precious health. You can't enhance your liver or kidney's ability to clear wastes. If your kidney and liver function tests are normal , they are working just fine. Just because your liver and kidney cleans your body's metabolic wastes , doesn't mean they accumulate toxins and slowdown in function  ! You do not have to detoxify  them regularly in order for them to work properly.

Organic food doesn't means it's pesticide free. Produce that are not organic is perfectly OK to consume after washing them ( of course you have to wash the organic produce , too ) . By consuming them you are not accumulating toxins in your body ! Organic food is definitely not more nutritious - it is just more costly ! Genetically modified food is not poison. No one will get cancer by consuming them , nor do they carry toxins ! Genetically modified foods don't deserve the negative propaganda they are receiving by the people who really don't care to understand how genetic engineering works ! I have learnt from some infertility forums that some patients' IVF doctors have insisted that they go organic and remove all chemicals from their lives ! How unreasonable such suggestions are ! How easily doctors too fall for cognitive biases ! Or , is it a strategy they ploy to blame their patients' life style for the IVF failure ?

Just like , you can't detox your way to IVF conception , you can't use your visualization power to bring on a powerful ovulation ; you can't use imagery CDs to make your egg quality better ; you can't make your embryo stick by imagining that they are doing so ! If it works so , majority of us don't need an infertility doctor.

So , why so many patients swear by the efficacy of such unscientific practices ? The answer is simple , those websites provide enormous emotional support. They give you so much personal attention and reassurance , provided , you pay them ! When we are going through a difficult journey , we all need someone to hold our hands and say that all will be well and we can get through it ; we need real life examples , real life success stories ;. and moreover ,  we need someone with whom we can can confide our fears , insecurities , hopes and dreams. They offer all this ,  and much more. I feel they work like a cult with their own unscientific doctrines and principles. They know how exactly to brainwash their customers. Since , infertility is an emotionally  stressful and tiring journey , we easily fall for their promises. Infertility makes us emotionally vulnerable. Many of us lack proper support system when infertility strikes - it is still a taboo in many parts of the world. All these factor earns a lot of customers for such quacks.

When you find yourself getting lost in the stress of infertility , please try to do the following :

Educate yourself about your problem scientifically - this will help you to build realistic expectations , it will also strengthen your hope and make you confident.
Have an open mind and have alternate plans  - don't get desperate for success !
Build proper support system - your family ,  online infertility forums and your doctor can play a major role in keeping you sane and hopeful , amidst the enormous stress.

Please do not waste your emotional and financial energy by believing in quackery ! You can ask me , " If , what they offer makes me feel better , if I find solace there , why not follow it ? "  The problem here is ,  people who sell such ' alternative therapies ' claim that it can make you conceive or make you fit for conception , which is totally false. They are promoting something which is not scientific and trying to make a business out of it by playing with your emotions.  I understand that we need to find a middle path - but , middle path doesn't mean you need to mix delusion and reality and end up with heart ache when the treatment doesn't work ! Mixing placebo sugar solution and real medicine isn't going to enhance the medicine's effect , it can even make the medicine ineffective - that's not the real middle -path ! Many a time , alternative therapies distracts you from your real goal.  The real middle path is , understanding your problem , working on what you can really improve scientifically and let go of things what is not in your hands ( for example , if your ovarian reserve is exhausted and your ovaries are no more responding to drugs ! ) - instead of repeatedly hitting the dead end and wasting your physical , financial and emotional energy. When you hold on to false promises and hopes for support , when you fall , you fall really hard - the pain will be enormous. When you hold on to reality , even if it is bitter to accept , when you fall , you do so gracefully - the pain will be lot lesser and you will spring back to action very soon.