Dear Friends,
Thank you all for your kind and encouraging words ! I cannot thank enough and you all will never know how much it has helped me.
Cervix is the mouth of the uterus. It has an internal opening and external opening called as internal and external os. The openings are tightly closed during pregnancy(external os will be bit open in women who have had previous pregnancy and delivery). It measures anywhere between 2.5-5 cms during pregnancy. It keeps the babies secured within the uterus and also prevents infections.
I am now 18 weeks pregnant. My cervix started at a length of 4 cm at 10 weeks and it was 3.5 cm at 13 weeks. But I read that any measurement earlier than 15 weeks are not reliable. The doctor measured my cervix at 17w1d and it was 1.9 cm. I was immediately sent to labor and delivery department. My uterus contraction was measured. There was no contractions. The doctor there checked for infections, the test results came back clear. They wanted to do a cerclage. Cerclage is a procedure where they would stitch the cervix at the place which is closest to the uterus. In this way, it is believed that, cervix becomes stronger and holds the babies safely inside until delivey. The risk with having short cervix is that, it might open prematurely and can lead to labor and premature expelling of the fetus. Scary right ? For twins, having a cerclage was found to cause more harm than good because the procedure itself could trigger preterm labor !
This is why I am so scared. This week is hell. I managed to get out of the hospital in an hour on Thursday. They wanted to give me antibiotic and magnesium orally, as prophylaxis, and I could take that from home too. I am sure lying down there, without my DH nearby, would have driven me mad and made me so insecure. So I decided against hospital stay. I read a lot this week about short cervix. A short cervix doesn't mean it is incompetent and will lead to premature labor but studies show that the risk of premature labor is high with short cervix. I was not even close to viability, which means, a fetus becomes viable or in other words a fetus can survive out of the womb only after 24 weeks. I had so many 'what ifs' in my mind all through the week. What if I go into preterm labor, what if my uterus gives up, what if I lose my precious little ones, what if they are born prematurely and suffer in front of my eyes, so many what ifs...... I was scared, I broke down several times. I limited my activity, I got up only to use toilet, I am in the recliner most of the time. My DH brought progesterone gel and insisted that I use it. Today, after 6 days, I went for another cervix check. My cervix measured 2.38 cm. Even though not a drastic improvement, it has improved a bit and the best thing about my sweet cervix is, its internal and external os is tightly closed. As labor gets nearby the cervix shortens and starts to open from inside. Imagine the stem of the funnel, that is how the cervix is. When it starts to open, the internal os of the cervix becomes 'v' or 'u' shape just like the mouth of the funnel. The baby's amniotic sac can bulge through it and it can also bulge outside the cervix too if the external os is open - very scary ! Having read all the information and scary stuffs, I was so shattered. But today's ultrasound has put our mind in peace. I do not want to have a cerclage because of the dangers involved (premature labor). My cervix condition as of now doesn't demand an emergency cerclage. I just pray God that it holds the same for many more weeks to come.
This journey is much scary, with moments of hope and desperation. I have to remain strong and sane until the day I hold my little ones in our hands. I am on bed rest as of now. If my cervix improves a bit more in the next visit I will be happy; atleast let it not shorten.
Another problem I face is regarding weight gain, whatever I eat, I am not gaining much. I lost 3 kgs during the first 14 weeks and I gained that back. I never thought eating could become such a problem. Any suggestions ?
Thank you so much for all the kindness, this blog helps me to be strong.
Manju
That's great, I am relieved to hear that your cervix is closed and not getting shorter. You're a strong woman and you're doing great. It is common for twins to be delivered prematurely, but this doesn't mean they will suffer. Its also normal to lose weight in first trimester due to morning sickness and digestion problems. What did your Dr advise? Perhaps if you can't stomach much food, you could take formula for pregnant women.
ReplyDeleteAriel, I agree premature babies are common with multiples but not at 24 weeks or, that's my fear. My doctor was not concerned about my weight. I think I must ask for high calorie, protein drink, let me see.
DeleteHow is your little one doing ? My love to him :)
Praying for you!
ReplyDeleteKandie, thank you so much !
DeleteDear Manju,
ReplyDeleteDo you know Sanskrit shlok ''Aham Brahmasmi' which means I am the creator. For this pregnancy please make yourself believe in this. Your will power, your ichha shakti matters 'the most'. You have to tell yourself, your God, your universe: that this time what you want (i.e. healthy twins, healthy family) is gonna happen. You refuse to accept anything else. Period. And you have to believe in this, that is the crux. It is very normal to have fear and concerns in pregnancy, as long as this stress is superficial it is ok, but deep down in your heart, in your soul you must have the faith that you are gonna play with your healthy twins. I don't know if you have read this famous book The Secret by Rhonda Byrne, if not please read it and browse other similar content on net and pratice all law of attraction techniques: gratitude, visualization, meditation, quantum physics. I find, browsing these topics help me reinforce my belief in Aham Brahmasmi theory.
As long as your doctor is not concerned about your weight, you should really be happy that you are gaining but not much :) But to allay your fears you can track your weight with online pregnancy weight gain calculator. Try to include protein shake , beans, milk, cheese, joghurt, colourful veggies and fruits and juices in your diet. I assume you take pre natal vitamins, Calcium and Magnesium supplements. You need only 100 kcal extra in firs trimester, 200 kcal in second and 300 kcal extra in third trimester.
You know when I lifted something heavy in my pregnancy and i was concerned , I mean really concerned: My grandma came in my dream. she did not particularly addressed my concern but next day I was fine and the worry was gone :) May be you also have some dear relative up above in the sky, I am sure they will help.
Everything is going to be fine. All the best!
Shakti
If you wish, you can recite Maha Mrityunjaya jaap for your twins. You can do this while lying on bed. I tell you it is a very powerful mantra and a very powerful tool to reinforce your faith that your twin are gonna be fine.
Dear Shakti,
DeleteI can't thank you enough for the wonderful suggestions. I sometimes feel I could be more positive but many fears haunt me from time to time. I feel I am still not bonding with my babies because of such fears.I promise that I will try hard to heed to your suggestions :) I will try my level best. I agree our thoughts have enormous impact on our body. I have felt it many a time. Thank you so much !
Lots of love,
Manju
I'm glad you like my suggestions Manju!
DeleteDon't worry about bonding. I could not bond with my daughter even after birth. I was numb and traumatized by labour and birth pain.
Every pregnancy has complications, complication has some solutions and every solution has pros and cons. You know how I deal with cons: I calmly read about all the cons and in the end I tell myself cons do not apply to me. I imagine them as a football and kick it out of my sight :) just focus on pros. Focus on main issue: cerclage or no cerclage, you are going to have healthy babies :)
I've read what all you have gone through, no wonder your mind is full of fear, but at the same time you come across as an incredibly strong person to me. This time dont let your fears haunt you, let your positive attitude shoo away all your fears instead. Cervix length from 1.9 to 2.38 is no small feat, 18 weeks pregnancy is no small feat. Every positive is a big positive and be immensly grateful and elated for it. This way you attract more of it. For every complication take necessary measures but dont be bogged down by it.
You need healthy food for not only for your body but also for your emotional and spiritual state. Reading about law of attraction or blogs where women gave birth to healthy babies despite short cervix is a type of food for a healthy emotional state. It diverts your mind from fearful world of pregnancy complications to positive attitude. It reminds mind of its own power about manifesting miraculous life.
All the very best!
Shakti
Shakti, you give me Shakti :) I will practice kicking out all negative thoughts and focus on the positives. Thanks for bring so kind and helping me out. Lots of love and blessings to your little one :)
DeleteShakti, your positive words will not only help me but many who read it. Thank you so much !
DeleteThanks Manju! That's very nice of you to say so :) Shakti
Deletegreat to know this manju....loads n loads of prayers for you guys.
ReplyDeleteI love what Shakti mentions here....pls try to put aside your fears however difficult they seem at the moment. There is no right way of saying this but I still feel I should say this...In our attempts to guard our feelings we often create a wall between us and these future babies and its sadly quite unfair on them. I, for sure know its not easy....but pls strive hard to keep your fears at bay and enjoy these babies...like they would have been if you had a clean slate in the fertility department. Its certainly not their fault if we've had to deal a few bad cards in our life....A very dear friend of mine recently delivered a healthy baby girl 3 months ago after a long battle of 10 years/3 miscarriages/1 tube....while she was asked to be on bed rest she just couldn't imagine sitting at home. All through the 9 months she worked harder at her job only to ensure that if this pregnancy doesn't workout she at least has a better job to go back to!! Her husband didn't allow for baby gifts/nursery etc to be given or setup before hte birth of the baby!! I used to keep their stuff at my house...they were so traumatized. Today they regret that and realize that she was very unfair to their baby that for a good length of their pregnancy they did believe that this baby might not be a reality for them.
There is no right way to feel about all this...but these babies need you now as much as they need you when they are here...and ohhhh they will be here :) ...pls make a conscious effort to bond with these babies...and thats your prescription :). These babies are blessed and blessed beyond what you could have ever envisioned for them...so many people are praying for their safety....all will be good manju! I truly honestly believe that for you guys....so whats stopping YOU! Get on the party bus Manju :)
Zeus, I too loved what Shakti meant and what you are trying to convey. I agree with you completely. Fearing some unknown pain, it is not good to neglect enjoying the present blessing. I will try my level best to be positive. Thanks a lot for helping me out ! Love you :)
DeleteLove you too manju...and your little munchkins. Some kids love drama....even before making their debut...you just happen to have 2 of them i guess...haha....enjoy dear!
DeleteHi Manju..I am Hema..SIL of sony..I heard a lot abt u..Appreciate ur patience & determination..Don't let urself down..Everything will be fine & u will deliver ur babies safely..Don't panic..Be happy n hope for the best..
ReplyDeleteDear Hema,
DeleteI am so happy to meet you via my blog. Thanks a lot for the kind and encouraging words ! Keep in touch !
Love,
Manju
Dear manju,
Deletei have been reading your blog for some time now and your story and mine are more similar than we can believe. i am going through my sixth IVF as i type this after a chemical last time..i did two of those with malpani,s. But since bombay is not my home town,it became difficult to go back. Usually i dont open up to anyone,but i felt like i wanted to cry and opened your blog after some time and saw the good news. I am so very ver happy for you and i have started feeling positive abt my cycle too.
Dont worry, enjoy your pregnancy and i am sure you will have your beautiful babies safely in your hand.
Janaki
Dear Janaki,
ReplyDeleteALL WILL BE WELL !
I know how difficult this journey is. You are such a strong woman, continue to be resilient, you will have your little one soon. I will pray for you and many more women who read this will definitely keep you in their prayers.
If you would like to, can you please write to me your treatment details and the nature of your problem. I would be happy to help as far as my knowledge allows.
manjupadmasekar@yahoo.com
Lots of love and prayers,
Manju
Delete